THE PARENT TRAP
Sam is lounging around the house when a
van pulls in front. Special Delivery! The dead parents you ordered are here. A
little gift from your dear, dumb brother.
went down was this … remember how Papa
Mickens had Tommy in that choke
collar? And he was all, “Tommy, can you hear me? You’re mine sucka!” After
that, Tommy collapsed, and even though Papa and Mama Mickens have spent all
that time around animals, they were too stupid to recognize someone obviously
before you know it, Tommy leaped up and attacked Joe Lee. And Mama Mickens actually came to his defense and tried to
attack Tommy. In the ensuing scuffle, Tommy deliberately clobbered Joe Lee to
death, and sort of “accidentally” offed Mama too. Oops.
So now Tommy is at Sam’s for help, and to
his credit Sam agrees. Because what better way for two feuding brothers to bury
the hatchet than to bury their murdered parents?
take the van that Tommy stole with the bodies in the back and go for a drive to
dump them. The only trouble is that Andy
Bellefleur is out on patrol. Well, actually, he’s hopped up on V and fast
asleep, but when the van speeds by he decides it would be fun to pretend he’s
on Cops and goes after it.
pulls them over. Sam sends Tommy to hide in the back of the van, and Tommy
assures him he’ll kill to protect him if he has to. Sam says that won’t be
goes to talk to Sam and sees a splotch of blood on car door. Sam tries to make
nothing out of it, all, “Oh that? That’s nothing. That’s just from the
blood pouring out my eyes after I saw that Sarah
Sam to step out of the car and demands he open the back of the van. Sam says
he’s not going to do that, and Andy says, “Fine! I’ll do it myself.”
So Andy slowly approaches the van, and we see Tommy in back waiting with a
shovel in his hand. Sam just stands there, so we figure that Sam is just going
to let Tommy go ahead and kill Andy. Andy puts his hand on the handle, opens
the door, and …
FREAKING ALLIGATOR LURCHES OUT AT HIM!
Hamster I was not expecting that! I think Andy and I both just about crap our
pants at the sight.
never have given him credit for it, but Tommy actually did something smart.
Rather than kill Andy, he thought to shift into a gator and scare him off. And
scare him off it does, as Sam improvises that he was merely taking the poor
lost creature back to the swamp.
Later on, at the swamp, Sam and Tommy dump
the Mickens parental corpses into the sludgy water. Tommy is all down in the
dumps over how he’s broken at least two commandments and is certainly hell
bound. But Sam surprises him, admitting that he’d killed a couple of people
himself, and then by reassuring him that sometimes it’s OK to kill, like when
you’re at war or in self-defense.
Tommy gets all whiny that the bodies aren’t sinking. Sam is all, “No
problemo,” and he whips out a baggie of marshmallows. At first I thought
to myself, “This is a really dumb time for s’mores.” Then I realized
I was totally wrong. There’s never a dumb time for s’mores.
isn’t making s’mores. He throws the marshmallows into the water, where they
garnish the bodies just like on a sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving. Before
you know it, the bodies are being happily munched on. “Gators love
marshmallows,” Sam explains. Huh. Good to know.
WTF Rating: 3. I’d
say it was worth sitting through all the tedious Tommy and Ma & Pa Mickens
stuff we’ve had to endure just for that gator in the van scene. That was
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO
Jesus and Lafayette –
having seen how Marnie’s latest spell only resulted in some really sorry
facetime for Pam – are not exactly happy to realize they’ve got two powerful
vampires wanting to eat and/or kill their asses. So they decide to hightail it
out of town. Which just might be the smartest thing anyone’s ever done on this
they’re loading up the car, Jesus remarks that two suitcases seems a bit
overzealous on packing, and Lafayette
snarks, “Packing light and being me don’t mix.” Ha! I guess mesh
shirts and silk scarves take up a lot of space.
they’re not going to hole up in some B&B in Provincetown. No, they’re heading to Mexico to get
help from Jesus’ abuelo the brujo (look at me with all the Spanish –
my 8th grade teacher would be so proud). Lafayette
wonders why they’re going to visit somebody Jesus despises. His answers comes
in the form of a flashback …
It was 1985, when a young Joe Piscopo was
heading down to Mexico to appear in the all-new Spanish language version of SNL (h/t, once again, to Marge Simpson).
Jesus came home to find an adorable little goat waiting for him. All his life
he’d been waiting for his very own My Pretty Goaty, and now he’s finally got
one to call his own! He can’t wait to brush its soft purple fur and buff its
sparkly horns and dress it in all those wonderful My Pretty Goaty outfits. But
surprise! It’s not a pet! It’s a blood sacrifice courtesy of Pop Pop Brujo!
hands him a knife and makes him stab the goat. (Sorry PETA!). Then he makes him
lick the blood off. Gee, gramps, some sour candy or gum drops would have been
explains to Lafayette
that while it made him hate Grandpa, at the same time, he felt a surge of power
when he took in the goat’s spirit. He thinks if they can restore that sort of
power, then the Force will be with them. Which might come in handy in battling
vampires back home.
actually buys into this (Don’t do it! Go to P-Town instead, trust me!), even
trying out “goatkiller” as some sort of affectionate nickname for
drive down to Mexico
and watch Grandpa Brujo’s compound from a distance. Naturally, Grandpa Brujo
pops up right behind them and says he was expecting them.
WTF Rating: 1. Things
are still way too snooze-ville in Jesus-Lafayette-land for my taste. But if
this Mexican jaunt yields them some gnarly magic powers they can bring to
battle with the vampires, then maybe things will pick up.