“True Blood” Episode 404 Recap: “I’m Alive and On Fire”

 
 

ESCAPE FROM HOT SHOT

Ugh. Hot Shot.

I just … I can’t.

And yet… sigh. I did take my Recapping
Vows. So I guess I have no choice but abide by the Recapper’s Code and proceed
with the retelling, no matter how abhorrent I might find it.

But if I have to go ahead and do this,
I’m going to make it super-quick. Here it goes, set on fast-forward:

“This is the best sex I ever
had.”

“Ugh. I want to die.”

“My turn!”

“You’re just a kid. I even saw you
on The Middle! Help me escape.”

“Okay.”

[Running,
running. Panting, panting
.]

“Hey, Felton. Look up here! Ha! You’re totally panther shish-kebob
now!”

“Oh Jason, you killed him. Now we
can be together forever! Did I mention I’m topless?”

“If I never see you again Crystal Norris, it will be too
soon!”

“Eh, they all say that. You’ll be
back at the full moon, Pantherboy!”

[Running,
running. Panting, panting
.]

“Oh my God, Hoyt! It’s Jason! Passed out by the side of the road!”

“Let’s help him, Jessica. It’s the only thing we’ll get
to do this week.”

“Jason, drink my blood. It’s a
great disinfectant and takes just like Jägermeister.”

(h/t Heather Hogan for inspiring this superfast recapping style with her
sublime Torchwood recaps. Heather —
I hope you take this as a testament to my admiration and not outright
plagiarism.)

WTF Rating: Nurple. This whole storyline has left any
semblance of a normal WTF rating in the dust, so why bother? Can we just move
past Hot Shot forever, please? Pleeeeease?


THE WITCHES AND PAM FACE OFF

Moon Goddess Emporium, after hours. Marnie lies around
moaning and talking gibberish before slipping into a trance …

It’s the Spanish Inquisition. Ha!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

A bunch of Church Asshats are hosting a
4th of July barbecue. On the menu: grilled sandwitches.

One witch in particular is about to be
burned alive. She’s the dark-haired woman we’ve seen morphing into Marnie, the
one who Eric seemed to recognize. Marnie, who has somehow found herself in this
scene, rushes through the crowd trying to put a stop to the burning, but to no
avail.

As they set her on fire, the
dark-haired witch curses them all and Marnie repeats her words as if memorizing
them. She awakens from her trance with flames in her eyes.

Later on, Marnie receives a visit from Lafayette, Jesus and
Tara. After last week, I figured they were going to bonk her on
the head and bring her to Pam as a sacrificial offering to get the vamps off
their backs. It would have been morally questionable but at least sort of
interesting. Instead, they’re there just to ask for Marnie’s help.

Yawn! Those three really need more to
do this season, because it’s getting tiring seeing the three of them act as
dopey witches sidekicks. Why not just make them wear tall fuzzy hats and chant
“oh-wee-oh” outside the wicked witch’s castle?

Anyway, they beg Marnie to figure out
how to reverse Eric’s amnesia and thereby get Pam off their backs. The only
trouble is that Marnie can’t even remember how she cast the spell in the first
place, since it wasn’t even really her who did it. She mentions a certain
“her” – the powerful entity who possessed her during the spell – who
hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with details.

Lafayette
tells her she better get the Goddess on the effing Goddess line to help them,
and Marnie agrees to give it the old college try. While she implores the spirit
world for aid, Lafayette
prays they’ll save their asses, but to no avail. The spirits, Marnie explains,
aren’t like pets who simply come when you call.

So they decide to hit the books.
Marnie holds her hands above each book before rejecting it, something Jesus
explains as “assessing the energy of each book,” that I call for what
it is: judging a book by its cover.

They’re about to give up in despair,
when one particular book falls off the shelf all on its own. Eureka! That one must have the spell. Either
that, or Marnie’s got a serious vermin problem brewing behind those
bookshelves.

That night, out in the woods, Marnie stands in a circle
trying to perform a spell to reverse Eric’s memory loss – something tricky to
do given Eric’s not even there.

Pam is on the outside of the circle
threatening them about how this effing better effing work or she’ll effing eff
them all up. Marnie tells her to stop with the eff word because it’s effing
distracting. (This scene brought to you courtesy of David Mamet).

Marnie starts reading the memory
restoration spell from the book, but nothing happens. Pam calls “B.S.,” but
then things get all windy and Marnie makes with the Latin and the dark-lady
face. Great, this looks like it’s going to work! Won’t Pam be relieved.

Except Pam does not look relieved, not
at all. Instead, she starts gasping as her face starts showing these blotchy
patches. Then, a la the infamous medicine cabinet scene in Poltergeist, she pulls off a hunk of her face. Gross.

The witch lady inside Marnie gets off
on this, mocking how it reveals the corpse underneath the vampire, and teasing
that Pam should run on home and get a good look at herself. So Pam runs off
screaming into the night.

WTF Rating: 4. Oh no they dihn’t! They dihn’t just
mess with Pam’s face? Because that is one face you don’t want to mess with or
there’s going to be a lot of unhappy viewers. All I can say is there better be
a decent vampire plastic surgeon over in Shreveport.

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