Last week I was a very bad recapper. I
was so busy viewing the world through my rose-colored glasses, clutching my
pearls, and hugging my Care Bears that I naively didn’t appreciate the
implications of what was about to happen with Jason and that line-up of Hot Shot freaks.
Then you good people went ahead and
pointed it out to me. Um, thanks, I guess? So I got to spend the week Purelling
my eyeballs and bleaching my brain all in an effort to try to forget any of
that ever happened.
But now comes this week’s episode and
confirmation that what you all suspected was indeed what went down with poor
Jason. And I don’t think we’ve got enough cutesy WTF fang icons around here to
communicate just how fanged up this whole storyline has become. So let’s first
turn to more pleasing storylines …
ERIC GETS TOTALLY FIT-SHACED
Having chugged Claudine down as avidly as a fratboy at a
kegger, Eric looks to
follow it up with a Sookie chaser.
She screams he’d better stop or he’s going to kill her. Grievously offended, he
retracts his fangs and responds, “I could never hurt you.” Then he
pinches her ass.
It quickly becomes apparent (both to
Sookie and to us) that Eric is completely hammered.
And it’s the sloppy, pervy kind of
plastered too, like Hasselhoff-burger
levels of falling-down, slurry drunkenness. As opposed to me, who only becomes
even more witty and urbane, sort of like Dorothy
Parker or that couple in The Thin Man.
[Editorial note from Steven's partner:
"No, no he doesn't … Last night he tried to drunk-dial Ron Weasley."]
Throughout this episode, the more Eric
acts out, the more Sookie tries to mother him, and it’s just adorable. Like she
tells him the sun’s about to come up, which means it’s curfew time so he’d
better march himself off to bed. And he’s all, “Don’t care. Tag, you’re
it!” and takes off into the woods.
Later that morning, Sookie asks Alcide
to come over to her place to help track Eric. This is an ingenious move on her
part. Because even if they don’t find Eric, at least she’ll get to see Alcide
Alcide’s not happy to hear Sookie’s
been harboring Eric, but he agrees to help her because that’s what friends are
for. So he takes off his shirt, unzips his pants, and poof! He’s a wolf.
It was here that my wise, wonderful
partner Mark pointed out something about the way the whole shifting thing works
on this show … All the shifters take
their time taking off their shirts — giving us plenty of time to drool over
their physiques (not that I’m complaining!) — but then lose all patience when
it gets to their pants. Like they unzip just enough for us to see they’re going
commando (shifters seem to hate underwear) and then they’re like, “Oh
screw it, I’m just gonna shift right now and let the pants fall where they
may.” It’s like they’re all following some weird standard that was set by
the Incredible Hulk.
Where was I? Oh, right. So Sookie and
wolf-Alcide go on an Eric hunt, and it’s fairly hilarious seeing Sookie just
carrying on her conversation even though she’s talking to a doggie. But then
again, when you’re Anna Paquin and
you cut your acting teeth chattering away opposite a mute Holly Hunter, this sort of thing is a piece of cake.
Alcide leads her to water, where Eric is
happily skinny-dipping. She keeps cautioning him that he’d better come out
quickly, because either the sun is going to singe his skin OR shrinkage is
going to set in, and none of us wants to see that.
Eric refuses to leave the pond, and
then Alcide morphs into human form, leading to this pretty hilarious alpha-dog
confrontation with Eric showing fang and hissing while Alcide literally growls
back. Woof indeed. Unfortunately it’s all just posturing and they don’t
actually start in on the naked wrestling (this isn’t Spartacus).
Then Eric’s skin starts steaming like a
dim sum dumpling cart, as the magical fairy-blood sunscreen wears off. Sookie
puts a blanket over him and gets him home.
Sookie tenderly tucks Eric in bed,
presumably after having him floss his fangs, giving him a warm glass of blood,
and having him change into his Star Wars jammies.
Upstairs, she hugs Alcide goodbye. He’s
not happy she’s harboring such a dangerous, potentially unstable entity in her
home, and she’s all, “Um, you’re one to talk.” They agree they’ll remain
friends and have each other’s backs.
Alcide goes home to find his devoted significant other,
Debbie Pelt, waiting for him,
lounging around reading the Marquis de
Sade‘s autobiography for her Psychopath Book Club.
She takes a good sniff of Alcide and asks if he
shifted today. He comes clean and admits he did it to help Sookie.
“Sookie?” Debbie asks, while a vein starts throbbing behind her left
eye and her arm starts making stabby motions. “How is dear old
Sadly, Debbie doesn’t blow a gasket
just yet and takes this news rather well. But I just adore this actress who
plays her because even with the most innocuous lines of dialogue you can see
the searing rage and lunacy that’s just waiting to burst out. She’s awesome.
Meanwhile, Sookie goes to check on Eric after his nap. He’s
all wistful about how he’ll never get to see the sun – or see her in the sun.
She observes that the new Eric is kind of mopey, and he suggests she kiss him
to cheer him up. “No,” she says, totally meaning, “Sure, why not?” They put
their heads into pre-kissing position and start moving in.
Then he tells her there’s someone at
her door … It’s Bill. And he’s
searching for Eric (more on that in a second).
WTF Rating: 2. I am just love, love, loving Eric the
out-of-control teen and his inappropriate crush on Sookie his babysitter.
And also enjoying how unsure I am where
this all going – the way of all-out Eric-Sookie coupledom? Or Eric deciding he
needs a midnight Sookie snack?
IT’S NOT SO GOOD TO BE THE KING
Sookie and Alcide aren’t the only ones
spending this episode on an Eric hunt. It turns out Bill is desperate to find
him as well.
First, we see him at Fangtasia
questioning Pam. He’s all pissed
that she didn’t report Eric missing the second she realized it. She responds
that she figured it was hardly necessary, given she thought Bill had set him up
to be killed in the first place.
Bill commands that she’d better pass on
any news of Eric as soon as she gets it. She says, “Yes, Sire.” But in true Pam
fashion she can barely mask her contempt for him, basically pointing out that
Bill is so into his newfound power trip he’s practically getting off on it.
Next Bill receives a visit from Nan Flanagan,
who’s no happier with him than Pam was. (Am I the only one who thinks a Pam-Nan
union would be the greatest power couple this show’s ever seen?)
is worried that with all the negative PR surrounding Edgington they hardly need news to leak out to the public that Bill
sent Eric, a vampire, after a bunch of humans, meaning the Wiccans. I’d tell
her that, unless it involves a Kardashian
or contestants on The Bachelor, I’d
venture the majority of the American public could care less about this sort of
Bill tells her he had no choice but to
sic Eric on the witches, what with them being necromancers and all. But she
pooh-poohs the threat saying he over-reacted.
Then she’s all, “Oh, wait. I have
to throw in this crucial backstory here … there was that time during the
Spanish Massacre with that one powerful witch who had a serious ax to grind
against vampires, I’ll give you that.” But since then, she argues, all
worries over witches have been over nothing, like that whole Salem thing. And also that time they
possessed the cast of The Facts of Life –
you know, as documented in The Blair
Witch Project. [God that was a terrible joke. Yeeesh. Who writes this
Bill says he’s not going to ignore the
local coven, and Nan cautions that if a single
drop of human blood is shed she’ll have his heart on a stake.