“True Blood” Episode 403 Recap: “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”


Throw Momma from Her Natural Gas Lease

Just in
case you think this show is too light on freaky devil dolls, we get another one! It’s something called a
“Marie Osmond Adora Belle
Freida Fright” doll, and we see Mama
Hoyt happily ordering one as seen on TV. Sitting by her side is her new
adoring son-by-proxy Tommy, who
she’s teaching to read, starting with the letters Q… V… C.

Marie Osmond monstrosity is probably the most terrifying thing we’ve ever seen
on this show. Because while I’m certain things like vampires and werewolves and
fairies don’t really exist, these dolls are a real thing that people willingly
purchase for their homes. For real! Words fail me.

Maxine is happily mothering Tommy,
who she insists should remember to call her Mama. And perhaps let her call him
Hoyt in return, as she swaddles and tries to breast feed him just for old
times’ sake.

goes to answer the door and finds this shady door-to-door salesman-type guy who
wants to buy up leasing rights to the natural gas on Maxine’s property at a
huge profit for her. Tommy’s eyes fill with dollar signs, as he pretends to be
Maxine’s son and negotiates a deal behind her back. Then he goes running to
tell Sam …

Sam, meanwhile, is having quite the busy
what with two unexpected visitors. First he has a minor run-in with Sherriff Andy, who is totally strung
out on V, and wildly accuses Sam of a variety of crazy business violations.

Later on, Sam meets up with Tara, who you might remember he’d been
somewhat intimate with in the past.

After a
year apart, they break the ice through their shared fondness for getting
s–tfaced, as they down tequila shots and toast to old friends. Sam points out
that it hurt him when Tara took off right
after he told her he was a shifter. She responds that it wasn’t about that, it
was about her trying to get her own life on track.

are awfully flirty between the two of them, but then they each admit they’re
seeing someone else. Now that’s a
double date I’m looking forward to seeing sometime soon on this show,
especially since it’s a bummer that we haven’t seen Naomi much at all, and neither she nor Luna are even around this week.

also hoping this Tara-Sam scene here is meant to clear the air and have them
move on without any residual sexual tension or awkwardness. I never really saw
these two together and I’d rather see how things go with these new women in
their lives.

Anyway, after all that, Sam has to deal
with Tommy. Who, to his credit, doesn’t keep all his
scheming to himself but tries to pull his brother into it.

shows up at Merlotte’s and tells Sam about the pot of gassy money Maxine is
sitting on. He suggests they buy her house from her on the cheap, then seize
all those gas proceeds for themselves. Sam is appalled that Tommy would do something
so clearly wrong, especially to a woman who has been nothing but kind to him.

argue, and Tommy runs out all, “I hate you Sam Merlotte! I hate you, I
hate you, I hate you!”

two are so Jan and Marcia.

WTF Rating: 3.
Granted the Sam-Tommy battles are getting old. But I had to upgrade the WTF
rating here solely because of the Marie Osmond doll, which I’m still shuddering
over. It’s certainly interesting that we learn that Maxine is an avid doll
collector – and wasn’t Summer,
Hoyt’s old biscuit-baking girlfriend, into dolls as well? – and that Jessica
and Hoyt are now being haunted by a possibly bewitched doll. Could Maxine or
Summer have paid a visit to the Moon Goddess Emporium, perhaps during their
annual “Devil Dolls Half-Price Fall Sale”?


Jason’s Worst. Sexytime. Ever.

Jason is still tied to the bed over in Hot
Shot, moaning in pain and feverish, which No Worries! – it’s all
just part of the horrifically painful, ungodly process of becoming a

Meanwhile, outside, it’s time for more True
Blood Campfire Tails! This week, it’s something to do with Ghost
Daddy and Ghost Mama, who descended from the sky and mated with panthers and
created the first were-panthers, or something.

I don’t
know for sure because I was bored out of my skull. This whole bit was much less
eloquent and interesting than the Skinwalkers thing last week. While I
appreciate efforts made to provide mythological backgrounds for the various
creatures populating this show, I’m starting to feel like I should be getting
college credit for sitting through this stuff.

I did
glean, though, that this all has something to do with a Big Theme: Nature vs. Humanity.
And Nature is pissed at us.

not scarfing down s’mores and raw possum with her kin, Crystal
helpfully administers to Jason’s wounds, no doubt raising his spirits
considerably with talk of the litters and litters of cubs they’ll soon be
popping out. (At least Jason won’t have to worry about paying for college for
all those little critters, since no one from Hot Shot has ever graduated from
home school).

talks about how important Jason is, how Jason is saving them from extinction,
since lately all their cubs seem to be born dead or seriously not right. At one
point, she offers Jason a pill, which he pops down, asking, “Is that
medicine?” and she’s all, “Yeah. Sure. Why not?” Then she tells
him it’s actually Viagra, not that he’ll need it.

Later on, a woozy Jason opens
his eyes to find Crystal
straddling him and initiating sexytime. She repeatedly says how much she loves
him and how now they’ll be together always, while he says he rues the day he
met her.

the Hot Shot freaks all come into the room and watch. Ugh. I guess that’s what
happens when you’re too poor to afford cable.

WTF Rating: 1. After
an interesting turn of events last week, I’m back to finding the whole Hot Shot
thing as tedious as it is unsanitary. At least Jason and I can agree that
meeting Crystal
is the worst thing to ever happen to him. Hopefully things will get more interesting
when Jason becomes Pantherman.

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