“True Blood” Episode 403 Recap: “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”


It’s Good to Be the King

week, we get more of a sense of what a typical night of business as usual is
for King Bill …

2:15 a.m. Doling Out Royal Justice. We see
Bill holding court in his office, meeting with this scruffy hipster vamp with a
bad attitude. The guy had been caught on camera feeding off of a human, in a
hilariously hokey Facebook-posted video by two doofuses claiming they want to
expose vampires for the evil bloodsuckers they clearly are.

says it’s forbidden to be seen on film like this and the guy must now face the
ultimate punishment … the True Death.

The vamp
screeches that Bill is punishing him for being true to his nature, and Bill
responds that that’s not it; he’s punishing him for “being stupid.”
Wait, people can be punished for that now? Awesome. Because I know about
several hundred people I see on my daily commute who I’d like to bring up on stupidity
charges, starting with the morons who don’t realize you need to keep to the right when you’re coming up the
subway steps so the rest of us can freakin’ get down. Jeez!

2:30 a.m. Meeting with Old Acquaintances. Bill
comes out of his office to find Jessica
waiting for him. They warmly greet one another as old friends.

says she’s there looking for Advil for Hoyt,
since every place in town is closed. But Bill senses there’s more to her visit
than that and encourages her to speak freely. She admits she stepped out on Hoyt
and fed on someone else.

reassuring himself that she wasn’t photographed doing the deed, Bill offers his
kingly advice, which is something out of Ann
Landers … He tells her that if she really loves Hoyt, she’s got to tell him
what happened ASAP.

less than keen on doing this, but Bill pushes it, telling her to “Vamp
Up.” It will be better, he argues, for him to hear about it directly from
her than from somebody else. It’s pretty clear he’s thinking about himself and how
much worse it was for Sookie to learn about his connection with the Queen from
Eric than it would have been if he’d vamped up and told her himself.

4:15 a.m. Meeting with Michelle Obama to
discuss combating vampire obesity via blood-sugar-free True Blood.

5 a.m. Vampire Pilates Class.

8 p.m. Business Dinner with Portia
We’ve seen Portia before, during Bill’s senior
center dedication, and also acting as Sookie’s attorney when she tried to buy
back her house. She’s stunningly beautiful, stylish, sophisticated, and sharp –
basically the polar opposite of her brother Andy, one of those sibling pairs where you can’t believe they’re
actually related, like Alec Baldwin
and the one who’s a raving homophobe/Bible-banger.

dinner with Bill, she’s all business, even when she’s getting personal. She
pretty much makes a play for him, explaining why they should mingle their
assets, in the coital sense. She presents her case in terms that are so
methodical she might as well have supplied a Power Point presentation
illustrating the different ways their pie charts could fit together.

tells her that he can never love her. We all know it’s because he still loves
Sookie, but what he tells Portia is that his heart is too old for something
like falling in love. She says she can accept those terms, so he calls for the
check, and they go back to his place to commence their merger.

WTF Rating: 1. I’m
still digging the devious side of King Bill, who seems to be carrying a torch
for Sookie even while turning himself into the town’s biggest horndog (I guess somebody
had to do it, what with Jason being
out of commission).


What to Give the (Devil) Baby Who Has

goes home from her meeting with Bill and, per Bill’s advice, promptly comes
clean, telling Hoyt that she’d been with that fangbanger at Fangtasia. But she
did not have sex with that fangbanger! He only let her feed off of him just a
little bit, she swears! For Hoyt, that’s not exactly comforting, given in their
own relationship the biting and the sex part are all mixed together.

tells him to look her in the eye, but he quickly realizes that she’s trying to
glamour him and pulls away. So she glares at him a little more forcefully (and
maybe just maybe he sort of lets her
do it because he’d like to forget the heartache?). Then she starts in with full-force
glamming, telling him that he’ll forget all about this, it never happened, and
it will never happen again.

For me,
this brings back bad memories of early Torchwood
when Gwen would do horrible things
to poor Rhys then retcon him. Maybe
somebody can retcon me into forgetting this whole thing?

But it turns out that Jessica and Hoyt have
a bigger problem on their hands than their shaky relationship.
What sort of problem, you wonder? The FREAKY DOLL THAT PROBABLY COMES TO LIFE
AND KILL sort of problem, that’s what.

In my
recap of last year’s finale, I pointed out there was a creepy doll on the floor
of Hoyt and Jessica’s new place, but it seemed like such a random detail that I
wasn’t convinced it really meant anything. I’m glad to see now that my eyes
weren’t mistaken, and that this little detail wasn’t forgotten.

Jessica starts telling Hoyt about her night out, he’s holding this dirty old
doll that, if I’m not mistaken, is being played by Big Baby from Toy Story 3.
They argue over how Jessica was supposed to get rid of it, and she swears she
did get rid of it, by throwing it in the lake. Yet it showed up right back in
their house. Just like it did the time they dumped it at the town dump. Yikes.

So they
do the only reasonable thing to do in this sort of situation … pass the cursed
doll onto the nearest morons they know. AKA Arlene and Terry, to whom they bestow the doll as a belated baby
present for adorable demonic Mikey,
claiming it’s an old family heirloom.

they leave, we see Mikey happily clutching the doll, while Arlene stares at
both of them anxiously. Like me, Arlene has seen the Chucky movies, as well as Trilogy
of Terror
(the best TV movie ever made where Karen Black is chased around by a tiny devil doll), and the
Halloween episode of The Simpsons
with the Krusty doll set to “Evil.”

WTF Rating: 4. Just
when I thought the devil-baby storyline couldn’t get any more awesome, we have “When
Devil-Baby Met Devil-Doll.”

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