“True Blood” Episode 402 Recap: “You Smell Like Dinner”

 
 

BRING YOUR (DEVIL) BABY TO WORK DAY

Arlene and Terry show up for work at Merlotte’s
with baby Mikey adorably bjorned to
Terry’s chest. Sookie meets him for the first time and coo-coo’s over him, but
makes the mistake of saying she thinks he has an “old soul.”

This
freaks Arelene out, who screeches that his soul is new! She worries Sookie can
read his thoughts (she can’t) and says she’d better not try to read hers
because her thoughts are “f–king” pure. She loves her baby! She
f–king does!

I love
how Arlene drops f-bombs around her baby the way other parents do Wiggles
songs. It’s like Arlene would buy that book Go
the F–k to Sleep
and read it to Mikey without any sense of irony
whatsoever. Heck, she could have written
that book, along with other classics Goonight
F–king Moon
and Where the Wild
Things F–k
.

Later, Arlene stares into Mikey’s eyes trying
to see if he’s got a soul inside. He stares back, blankly and blackly, until
Arlene pops a blood vessel in her eye. This sets her off screaming, pointing a
finger at Mikey and insisting he is a “rotten” baby, bad to the core.

After
she’s gone, Terry assures Mikey he’s not rotten. He’s just got a crazypants
mom.

WTF Rating: 5. Folks,
I think we have devil baby!

SAMMY AND THE SHIFTERS

After
their galloping through the woods, Sam
sits outside with fellow shifter Luna,
the hot teacher from his little naked angry book club. He says he doesn’t mind “bringing
up the rear” when they run, which is really just a way of saying he’s
really an ass man, even if it is horse ass.

I
always marvel with these shifter scenes how after they’ve been together in
animal form they can be so nonchalant about it, like, “Oh, I just saw
horsey-you take a dump in the woods the size of a football helmet … Now tell me
about your childhood.” So Sam and Luna comfortably manage to make chit
chat and get all flirty. But when Sam moves in to plant one on her, she pulls
back and dashes off.

Fortunately, the next day, Sam comes into
his office to find her waiting there to seduce him. She says she’s
ready to “let him inside,” probably meaning emotionally but
definitely meaning physically.

BTW, I
really like the actress who plays Luna, Janina
Gavankar
(aka Papi on The L Word). In her scenes with Sam, she
manages to project intelligence as well as sex appeal, something that 99% of Hollywood still hasn’t
figured out how to do. Plus she and Sam
Trammell
have great chemistry, and if you’re going to have characters be
shifters and therefore naked all the time, it might as well be people as easy
on the eyes as these two, right?

That night, Luna tells her shifter friends a
campfire story that makes your typical “People Can Lick Too!” summer
camp horror tales sound as tame as The
Family Circus
.

She
recounts a Navajo myth that came courtesy of her father. (Sigh. Why do the poor
Native Americans always have to get dragged into supernatural nonsense?). He
used to tell her about “skinwalkers,” who were powerful shape
shifters who could turn into any animal or person. But to become one, they had
to kill another skinwalker in their own family. That was a tough story for
little Luna to hear, given her mother died giving birth to her – but Luna
gained solace later on by shifting into her mother. (Paging Dr. Freud.)

This
charming little anecdote is interrupted by the nearby stench of Twerpy Tommy, spying on them from the
woods. Sam takes off after him, they both morph into birds, then Sam tackles
him and they morph back.

Sam is
pissed that Tommy’s been lying – his leg is actually fine! Tommy is pissed that
Sam’s been lying – that’s no anger management group, he’s been hanging with his
shifter friends having fun! Still they both want to try to be better brothers.
They agree that they don’t trust each other at all, but also decide to work at
trying to distrust each other a little less each day.

WTF Rating: 2. I’ve
got a bad feeling that Luna spells big trouble for Sam.

JASON JUST CAN’T GET OUT OF BED TODAY

Post
head-bonk, a groggy Jason awakens to
find himself tied to a bed. And a tongue is licking away at his forehead with
all the enthusiasm and intensity of a toddler with a double-scoop Haagen Dazs
cone.

The
tongue belongs to Timbo, the Hot
Shot carnival freak who had bonked Jason to begin with. Now he helpfully
explains that he’s using his tongue to clean out a gash on Jason’s head. Jason’s
response is priceless: “I’m more of a Band-Aid kind of guy.” I’m glad
to see head trauma hasn’t interfered with his ability to coin inadvertently
hilarious one-liners.

Jason
persuades Timbo to release him, arguing the licking is evidence of how much he
and his fellow Hot Shot freaks actually love Jason. But then Felton comes in, guns ablazing, and we
learn he’s the one who ordered Jason imprisoned.

Later on, Felton has to run out to deal
with a disturbance, courtesy of Andy
Bellefleur
, who shows up pretending to be conducting a police search but really
looking for another V fix.

While
Felton’s gone, Crystal comes in and gags and straddles
Jason, telling him that she’s got a plan that will let them be together
forever. Jason would have good reason to worry over whatever brilliant plan Crystal’s come up with,
given that the combined brain intellect of the entire Hot Shot community isn’t
enough to power an Easybake Oven.

When
Felton comes back, he and Crystal both start undressing, and she explains that Jason’s
going to make a baby. Jason looks at Felton in horror and confusion, saying,
“With him?”

Crystal laughs
and says that it’s with her, dummy! But she needs to fulfill her duty to their
family to propagate, and Felton’s been shooting blanks, so they want Jason to
be their secret sperm donor. The only trouble is that in order to have a
panther baby for the pack, they first need to turn Jason into a panther-daddy.

And
with that, she and Felton strip, morph into panthers, and start CHOMPING AWAY
AT JASON’S TORSO! HOLY CRAP!

WTF Rating: 5. Like Lorena‘s head twist last season, this
is another one of those bed-set shockers True
Blood
is famous for. And the CGI nature of the panthers doesn’t detract
from the horror. If anything it makes it seem even more eerie and unreal. It’s
like if Jumanji had been directed by Rob Zombie.

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