If we’ve learned anything about True Blood over the course of its
first three seasons, it’s this … whenever it’s on the air, it can be counted onto be just about the craziest thing you’ll see on your TV, barring the occasional
Real Housewives reunion or GOP
To keep on
top of all the batsh*t insanity that’s certain to be coming our way this
season, I’m going to add a new feature to the recaps … each storyline will now receive
a “WTF? Rating” — WTF standing, of course, for “What the Fang?”
Let’s count all the WTF? crazy-goodness in the season premiere, shall we?
Sookie In Fairyland
picks up right where Season 3′s finale ended, when Sookie zapped away in a puff of light.
Now we see
her zap into Fairyland, although not the Summer’s Eve glowy pond part we saw last year. Instead, this seems to be
a combination of the movie Xanadu and
every sci-fi show that’s ever had an episode on the Ancient Rome Planet. Which
is to say it’s totally awesome and I pretty much want to move there.
any given week that Game of Thrones
manages to look gorgeous on its limited budget, I’m assuming the cheese-tastic look
of this sequence is wholly intentional and I fully approve. Fairyland is
exactly how I imagine Heaven to be – everybody’s all angelic looking, you run
into your beloved dead relatives, and it’s populated mostly by pagans.
sees Claudine, who explains she’s
Sookie’s “fairy godmother.” Sookie hilariously replies that if
Claudine’s job is to keep her safe, then she pretty much sucks at it.
fairy godmothers come in boy versions too, since Sookie also sees Barry, the telepathic bellhop from two
seasons ago, who introduces his fairy godmother, “Lloyd,” a Stepford-gay whose chest is so waxed even vampires
can see their reflections in it.
Sookie sees her beloved Granddaddy,
played by Gary Cole, who immediately
increases the awesomeness level of anything he’s in by about a thousand. Love
him, mmm ‘kay? Grandaddy says he only just saw Sookie a week ago but she was
just a little girl. Sookie responds that was 20 years ago.
Something’s hinky in Fairyland.
Then she notices that everyone around her is really into eating
these radioactive pieces of fruit they refer to as “light fruit.” She warns
Barry that it’s a trap, a warning confirmed by the arrival of the Fairy Queen, Mab. Mab announces that she had Sookie
brought to her because she’s pissed Sookie led a vampire to their realm, since
vampires like to suck fairies dry. Oh, also? The fairies are harvesting humans (although
for reasons that remain unclear).
tries to force Sookie to have a piece of fruit, she throws it to the ground,
and all of a sudden everything transforms. It’s like when I’ve made the mistake
of staying too late at some bar, and all of a sudden all the happy shiny
dancing people are gone and it’s just me and some drag queen with runny mascara
and a barfing college student. Oh, wait … that wasn’t at some bar. That was my
So Sookie and Grandaddy run away, and find themselves in
footage from The Walking Dead, as
they’re pursued through this desert landscape by zombie-like fairy goons while
the camera shakes vérité-style. They get help
from Claude, Claudine’s brother, who
is on the side of the humans and doesn’t want Fairyland sealed off from the human
Sookie and Granddaddy to the portal to our world – which is about to disappear –
and warns that only those who haven’t eaten glowy fruit can return. She and
Granddaddy jump in anyway – and Granddaddy promptly dies.
Cole! Go bring your awesomeness to another TV show in need!
Sookie goes home to find her house has
been all fixed up. Then she sees Jason who reveals she’s been gone for over a
year. (Nitpicky question #1: How come the other times Sookie went to Fairyland,
there was no time shift?) Thinking she’d been killed by a vampire, everybody
pretty much moved on with their lives. Oh, and he sold the house.
WTF Rating: 4. So the fairies are baddies? Huh. Didn’t
see that coming.
Tara: Portrait of a Kickass Runaway
season, I kept bemoaning that we’d lost kickass Tara. As if to make up for
it, we meet up with Tara this year totally
kicking ass. In fact, she’s in some sort of all-girl fightclub in New Orleans.
not beating the crap out of her sparring partner, she’s going to bed with her. Tara’s girlfriend is also kickass but also seems really
nice, and it’s good to see her finally happy. Plus it’s refreshing to finally
have a TV show with a bisexual character who isn’t a sexually voracious vampire and/or evil.
problem is that Tara is totally lying to her
girlfriend about who she is and where she’s from – not exactly a foundation for
a strong LTR. When Lafayette
texts her that Sookie is back, she lies to her GF and says her grandfather back
home in Atlanta
WTF Rating: 0. There were all sorts of spoilers last
week about a character having a same-sex relationship this season. Everybody
guessed Tara and … yep, it’s Tara.
Sam’s (Naked) Anger Management Support Group
at Merlotte’s is of course happy to have Sookie back from the dead, but they’re
also sort of pissed at her. Especially since Jason convinces her not to tell
everyone she was in Fairyland, since they’ll only think she’s (even more) bonkers.
So instead she has the brilliant idea of telling everybody she was away on Top
Secret Vampire Business. This hardly wins people over, especially Sam, who
agrees to give her old job back to her but is clearly annoyed by the whole
But Sam is
angry about lots of things these days! Especially about his twerpy little
remember last year how Tommy stole from Sam, and Sam chased after him and fired
a gun at him? Well, turns out he shot Tommy in the leg. Now he has to pay for
Tommy’s physical therapy and attend
anger management classes.
Twerpy Tommy is as twerpy as ever, and has been taken in by none other than Maxine Fortenberry, who is only too happy to have a boy to (s)mother now
that Hoyt has forsaken her for a certain
red-headed vampire harlot.
Later on, we see Sam having dinner with his
anger management buddies, but it’s not like how I’d imagine your typical anger
management group. They’re all stunningly good looking, and they’re eating a
nice meal and getting drunk on fine wine.
get up and start taking their clothes off. I guess an impromptu orgy is one way
of working off anger issues!
it’s not orgy time. They strip, and shape shift into horses, who happily gallop
off into the night.
WTF Rating: 2. Burning question: if they were drunk
when they shifted, are the horses drunk too? Because that would be hilarious.