TRANSCRIPT: We’re Getting Nowhere: “The L Word” Season 1, “Locked Up”

Episode Transcribed by: dannicanada

Dara: Hello.
Jill: Hello!
Karman: Hello.
Jill: Hello.
Karman: The clock is ticking.
Dara: Yeah.
Karman: We’re down to the second-to-last episode of season 1.
Dara: Only two more.
Karman: Of…
Dara/Jill/Karman: The L Word.
[Jill imitates the Season 1 theme music.]
Jill: L. Lust, lust, living, lying–
Dara: Liver.
Jill: Liver.
Karman: Lychee fruit.
Jill: Lychee fruit.
Dara: Lascivious.
Jill: Lightning.
Dara: Lichen.
Jill: Lee…
Karman: Lice.
Jill: Lice.
Karman: I don’t know. Can we stop with the L words?
Jill: Leaning.
Karman: I wish they had stopped. Leaning! Yeah. That’s good.
Jill: I don’t know, I don’t know.
Dara: Lecherous.
Jill: Lecherous.
Karman: Ooh.
Jill: Dolphin sex. Sorry, didn’t start with an L, but that’s how they opened the show.
Dara: Lolphin.
Jill: Did you notice all the rubbing? [makes gesture and squeaky rubbing noise] of the dolphins on each other. Did you notice that?
Dara: Dolphins are very sexual.
Jill: They are very sexual.
Karman: They get frisky with the people.
Jill: And they’re homosexual.
Karman: They get funky with the people.
Dara: They do.
Karman: As Shane would say.
Jill: I was specifically told — I had a dolphin experience. Not the kind you’re thinking of.
Dara: You had a dolphin relationship?
Jill: I did not have a relationship.
Karman: You had relations?
Jill: I did not have relations with the dolphin, although you all can start spreading that around.
Dara: Much to the dolphin’s dismay.
Karman: Not for lack of trying!
Jill: Yeah. Jill Bennett has sex with dolphins.
Dara: Not for lack…
Jill: And they said, you know, before we got to get in the tank with the dolphins, to not — like, when you rub their belly, to make sure you stop at their belly button. Because if you touch them, like any normal creature, they will respond and they will think that’s an invitation. So they said do not touch them below the belly button. How funny is that, that they warn you of that?
Karman: I love it.
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: They say they’re the smartest creatures.
Dara: Are you a dolphin?
Karman: Ha! [makes dolphin noise]
Jill: Don’t touch Karman below the belly button unless you want a reaction.
Karman: Or you’re gonna get exactly what you asked for.
Dara: She will take it as a sign.
Karman: I will take it as a green light and I’m not responsible for what happens after.
Dara: That’s right.
Jill: Dolphin belly buttons are cute.
Karman: I’ve never seen a dolphin belly button.
Dara: I’m sure they’re cute. Does it look like the blowhole?
Karman: You said blowhole.
Dara: I said blowhole.
Jill: No it doesn’t. It looks like a belly button.
Dara: Very cute.
Jill: It’s really cute. So yeah, so they’re very sexual, and they’re homosexual. They have homosexual relations.
Karman: Like I said, they’re supposed to be the smartest creatures.
Jill: Exactly. There you go.
Karman: More proof.
Dara: I think they’re just, um, loose. Dolphins are slutty.
Karman: Ah.
Jill: So are, like, chimps.
Dara: Yeah.
Karman: Chimps aren’t as cute to me as dolphins, though. They give me the creeps.
Dara: I think they’re both cute.
Jill: I think they’re adorable.
Karman: I don’t know. They’re too close. [silence] Too close to me. [Jill and Dara laugh] Not me personally, but me as a human.
Jill: We both went — [confused face]
Dara: They hit a little too close to home?
Karman: Little bit, yeah.
Dara: Okay.
Karman: Little bit. That’s my issue.
Dara: Shall we get started?
Karman: Shall we get it on?
Jill: We can. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go on and on. What was that?
Dara: Shall we get it on?
Karman: Just quoting one of my favorite movies. For Your Height Only. International man of mystery Weng Weng says to the woman in question, "Shall we get it on?"
Dara: Just like that, actually.
Karman: Just like that.
Jill: Shall we get it on?
Karman: Shall we get it on?
Dara: For Your Height Only is an awesome, um–
Karman: It’s a masterpiece of Filipino cinema.
Dara: –James Bond-esque Filipino film starring Weng Weng, who’s a very sexy little person.
Karman: You– We can’t do it justice. Just watch it.
Dara: No.
Jill: Technically?
Karman: Just watch it.
Jill: Is he technically a little person?
Karman: Oh yeah!
Dara: Yeah, yeah.
Jill: Or a very sexy little… Oh, you mean like a "little people" person.
Dara: He’s a real little person.
Karman: He’s a little person.
Jill: Oh, okay.
Karman: And he’s amazing.
Jill: That’s the PC, right?
Karman: Watch this film.
Dara: He’s a marksman, he’s a spy, he knows martial arts–
Karman: He’s a lover.
Dara: He’s a lover.
Jill: Well of course he is. You have to be all those things in order to be a star.
Dara: He kicks ass.
Karman: God, I just love that movie so much. I have to own it.
Jill: Okay. I’ll watch it.
Karman: You need to watch it like four times.
Dara: We love Weng Weng.
Karman: And then we can talk.
Jill: Okay.
Karman: I think I’ve watched it four times.
Dara: At least.
Jill: I need to catch up.
Dara: I think it played four times at your birthday party.
Karman: Yeah, I think it did.
Jill: So, Shane’s a slut.
Dara: Yeah. Shane–
Karman: I had no idea.
Dara: She’s trying– I think she’s trying to scare Clea off, by admitting that she’s slept with, like, 950 to 1200 people.
Jill: Yeah, I was like–
Dara: And how old is she supposed to be?
Jill: Twenty-five.
Karman: Well, how does she hold down a job? Like…
Jill: That was her job.
Karman: No, but– Well, yeah.
Jill: It was her job.
Karman: Count that, but…
Dara: I think she might be counting it, but…
Karman: Who has time for that number of conquests?
Dara: You’ve gotta make the time.
Jill: But I think her point was she was saying a lot of those were tricks.
Dara: Yeah.
Karman: Not treats.
Dara: In which case you could rack up, you know, five or six a night.
Karman: Why would you count those, though?
Jill: I don’t know.
Dara: She’s just using her best– It’s her best guesstimate.
Karman: I wouldn’t be excited about that. Oh, god.
Jill: That’s gross.
Karman: Well that girl, then — Doesn’t she get excited, like, that means you know what you’re doing, instead of going, like, "Uhh…"?
Dara: Because she doesn’t hear it.
Jill: That would make me go, "STD high possibility." Don’t mess with that.
Dara: NG. Yeah, genital warts? Not so much.
Karman: Little bit of everything, probably.
Jill: The herp.
Karman: Like the Long Island Iced Tea of STDs.
Jill: The Long Island Iced Tea of STDs.
Dara: Ew, yeah.
Karman: Dangerous!
Jill: Very dangerous.
Karman: Don’t do that.
Dara: You know you have it bad for somebody when they tell you something like that and you just think it’s cool.
Jill: Yeah. "That’s awesome!"
Karman: Or you know that you’re stupid.
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: One of those two things.
Jill: She’s a kid.
Karman: You got it bad or you’re just stupid. Or you’re twelve.
Jill: She’s a kid.
Karman: She’s a kid.
Dara: And she’s under the Shane spell.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Oh right.
Jill: Which a lot of people have fallen under.
Dara: At least 950 of them.
Jill: You know what? I have to say–
Karman: Say it.
Jill: I’m gonna say this.
Karman: Just say it.
Jill: I got, like, kind of a crush on Kate Moennig, in this particular episode.
Karman: Yeah, she was three-dimensional.
Jill: These last two episodes, they utilized her skill as an actress.
Karman: And they gave her a soul. She had feelings.
Jill: And they gave her a soul. But I was like– And I’ve always thought she was beautiful, but like, I kinda was like, oh, okay, I’m starting to get the whole Shane– Not that I didn’t get it, but that I actually started to feel it myself. I was like, I’m falling.
Karman: Are you gonna start stalking and stuff now?
Jill: Um, maybe. Maybe I’ll start wearing T-shirts and put up billboards and stuff. I don’t know.
Dara: Are you gonna stand outside Trader Joe’s handing out flyers?
Jill: Yes, I might. I might.
Karman: "Shane is bad"?
Jill: I might start a campaign.
Karman: Or maybe "Shane is hot." I don’t know. Maybe you’re not disgruntled yet.
Jill: No, I’m not disgruntled by her, I just finally got the little, the little bit of, like, Shane crush that women seem, like, worldwide, women seem to have, and I got it myself.
Karman: Yeah. Interesting. Wow. Mission accomplished, as George Bush would say.
Jill: Yes, exactly.
Dara: Unfortunately, she’s in love.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: And not available.
Jill: And not available.
Karman: With someone who’s unavailable.
Dara: With someone who’s– Yeah. Um, Clea’s mom.
Jill: Cherie.
Karman: That’s awkward.
Jill: Yes. It’s very awkward.
Dara: Very awkward. Anyway. Then–
Karman: And disturbing.
Dara: Marina, it turns out, wants to buy Francesca out of the Planet, because her and Francesca, they’re– They’ve reached the end of their road together. And Marina has no money. None.
Jill: She’s poor.
Dara: Nothing.
Jill: She’s hot and poor.
Dara: Because that’s what happens when you let yourself be taken care of someone.
Jill: That’s right.
Dara: You stop taking care of yourself and suddenly you have no job–
Jill: Yes. Don’t ever do that.
Karman: Make a note.
Jill: Make a note, ladies. Do this. [mimes writing in her notebook]
Karman: [mimes writing in her notebook] Note to self, do not be supported by some hot rich chick.
Dara: For more than six months. Six months is okay.
Karman: Don’t give up your day job while it’s happening.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Sock her money away, and invest it in an IRA.
Dara: Steal it quietly until you can afford to leave on your own terms.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: I feel like this has become a really helpful vlog.
Dara: I think so.
Jill: This is.
Karman: This vlog is really about–
Jill: We’re Dr. Phil.
Dara: We’re like life coaches for kept women.
Karman: Suze Orman. What?
Dara: We’re life coaches.
Karman: Life coaches for kept women?
Jill: Yes we are.
Karman: Funny how we’ve never had the experience but…
Jill: Um, here’s another suggestion. If you are a writer, don’t write short stories about how a woman can start to speak the language of the manatees, because that’s just stupid.
Karman: Unless you want to be laughed at by jackasses like us. Because we laugh.
Dara: And the rest of the world.
Karman: Oh yeah, that too.
Jill: Yeah. Sorry.
Dara: Because she was mute.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: And then she learned that she only spoke the language of the manatees. Which is what? French?
Karman: I think they have, like, five words. It’s really limited.
Jill: And don’t they only live in Florida? Isn’t that where all the–
Dara: Yes.
Jill: You know, it’s like Boca? Like all the Jews go to Boca to retire and all the manatees go to… where…
Dara: Maybe manatees are Jewish.
Jill: Maybe they are Jewish.
Dara: They’re the Jewish whales.
Jill: No, they eat shellfish. They’re not Jewish.
Dara: Oh. Well, good point. Good point.
Karman: Good point.
Jill: Okay.
Dara: Maybe they’re Reform Jews and they’re not strictly kosher.
Jill: Oh, hey! Who knew?
Karman: There’s so many possibilities.
Jill: Manatees are Reform Jews. I didn’t know.
Karman: You heard it here first.
Jill: You heard it here first. We discovered something. Just like Jenny discovered the languages of manatees.
Dara: So wrong…
Jill: The drag show! That brought back memories.
Dara: Wait, are we gonna show Jenny with the manatees?
Jill: Oh wait, isn’t that down– This scene, here?
Dara: I don’t know.
Jill: That’s after…
Dara: Okay.
Karman: That’s at the tank.
Dara: Jenny hits on the idea that the manatee language is a romance language.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: And she’ll be expanding on that later.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Great.
Jill: I can’t wait.
Karman: Can’t wait for that to happen.
Dara: Okay, yeah, there’s a drag show at the Planet.
Karman: Here’s what I have written down. "Meet Ivan. Eek."
Jill: Eek.
Karman: He looks like Lyle Lovett.
Jill: Yep.
Dara: Totally. But a good-looking Lyle Lovett, because it’s Kelly Lynch.
Karman: I just– Why?
Dara: I don’t know, was it stunt casting or–?
Karman: Why? I don’t know.
Jill: And it was another one of those– I feel like– Forced storylines that they felt they had to, like–
Karman: Yeah.
Jill: They need to fit it in.
Dara: Cover every facet of lesbian life.
Jill: Yeah. Yeah.
Karman: Yeah…
Jill: I like that they showed drag kings.
Karman: That was fine.
Dara: That might be true because later, we meet a trans man.
Jill: Yes. And I felt like, yet another… ish, forced storyline.
Dara: Yeah.
Jill: Well, it became forced.
Karman: I was like, Kelly Lynch, what are you doing?
Dara: Ivan, um– Ivan, to me, is– He’s supposed to be, like, old school, and crap. He’s just corny. He’s corny. Like, you practically expect him to, like, kiss every woman’s hand he meets.
Karman: Right.
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: I like how Kit’s like– [cringes] Through the whole thing, she’s like, "He’s awesome." [cringes]
Dara: "He’s singing to me. I don’t know what to do with that."
Jill: When he’s out of– When he’s out of official drag, I’m like, he– she– Then I think later it gets, like, really confusing, because I’m like, if they’re trying to assert that he is wanting to be considered a man, he would not have a long flowing mane of blonde hair.
Dara: No. He’s got that Nascar ape drape hairdo.
Jill: Ape drape.
Karman: Well, it’s like that– There’s a sci-fi show, I think it was Deep Space Nine — I don’t know because I don’t know these shows, but there was a character that had that space-age hairdo? [gesturing] You know the one. Right? No? Where it’s like piled on top and–
Jill: Space age?
Dara: Space age?
Karman: I don’t know. Whenever I see starlets at premieres with that hair that’s like pointy on top and then it’s long, I’m like, aw, why are you doing that?
Jill: Oh, the big poof in the front?
Karman: Yeah, the poof in the front. I hate the poof in the front, I loathe the poof in the front. Why?
Jill: Yeah, I don’t know.
Dara: It’s like it was pulled back and somebody, like, yanked you from behind and ruined it.
Karman: Yeah!
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: I don’t like it.
Jill: I don’t either.
Karman: On a drag king or anybody else. It’s weird, freaks me out.
Jill: And I like stories with my drag king. I’m sorry, this is just me, but when people just get up and lip sync something… I’m sorry, I know I’m a little, like–
Karman: You want a little story.
Jill: I want a little story.
Karman: A little act.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: A little schtick.
Jill: A little schtick. It’s boring otherwise.
Dara: There’s a drag king in New York named Murray Hill…
Karman: Yes, we know Murray Hill.
Jill: We know Murray Hill.
Karman: We know of. I don’t know Murray Hill personally but I know of Murray Hill.
Dara: If you’re in that area check it out. Anyway.
Jill: Okay.
Dara: Um, what happens? Oh. Dana has to go, I guess, on tour or something? She has a tournament and she leaves Mr. Piddles with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Jill: Mmhmm.
Karman: What do we think happened there?
Dara: She totally–
Jill: Killed him.
Dara: She killed him.
Karman: I know, but how?
Jill: She just didn’t give him the meds, she didn’t give him all of his medication.
Dara: Feline-icide.
Jill: Did you hear all of the things that had to be done for Piddles? I was like, put the cat to sleep. And I– You know what? I love my animals, but when, like–
Dara: What did he have?
Karman: Steroids…
Dara: He had, like, liquid thyroid medicine?
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: Prednisone and…
Jill: When your cat is that sick, it’s not okay.
Karman: Aww…
Dara: Cialis.
Karman: I’ve been Dana.
Dara: Boniva. He’s on everything.
Jill: Yes, I know you’ve been Dana.
Karman: Boniva! I never gave my cat Boniva, for the record. Never.
Jill: Piddles is losing bone density. So he needs Boniva.
Dara: I don’t know, I think she gave him a little, uh, catnip roofie or something.
Karman: He seemed fine, though. I mean, yes, he was on a lot of meds, but a lot of old people are on a lot of meds. He seemed okay.
Jill: Kill them! No. Jesus, I’m kidding.
Karman: He seemed okay. He seemed okay.
Jill: You think?
Karman: Yeah, he was fine. He was good when she left him. He was all purring and happy.
Dara: Yeah. Tanya, Tanya totally…
Karman: Think she smothered him?
Dara: Yeah, in his sleep.
Jill: With, like, a pillow? He’s going, "Rreeerr!" [waves arms]
Dara: I could see it.
Karman: Oh.
Dara: The arms are sticking out, and she’s, like– [pushing motion, demonic face]
Karman: If only he were Toonces, then he could have driven himself away.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: He could have gone to get help.
Jill: By the way, we’re not laughing about her cat being killed. We’re just–
Karman: No, I’m outraged. And incensed.
Jill: You know how much I love cats.
Dara: It’s an outrage.
Karman: It is an outrage. It’s a double outrage.
Jill: Toxic Tanya strikes again.
Karman: That’s really bad. That’s demented.
Dara: And that’s how deluded Dana is. She doesn’t see that Tanya is not gonna be, um–
Jill: Supportive.
Dara: Piddles’s best friend.
Karman: Unh-unh.
Dara: And it’s really sad. Anyway.
Karman: Really sad.
Jill: Um, do you notice, the next scene– Whenever the– The guy who plays Bette’s assistant, every time he comes into her office–
Dara: James.
Jill: He has bad news. Like, he’s always coming in, he’s like, "Bette, you better see this." "Bette, you better take this phone call. No, you really better take this phone call."
Dara: I know. Every time he opens the door– "Your car’s getting ticketed."
Jill: Yes. "There’s a bomb dropping."
Dara: "We just got a bomb threat."
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Why doesn’t he ever come in and say, "There’s a hot blonde here to see you"?
Jill: He never does that. He always has bad news. I’m like– That’s his entire– The entire season, he walks in to tell Bette that something horrible has happened.
Karman: She should fire him. Screw him.
Jill: Yes. He’s bad, he’s bad–
Karman: Feng shui.
Jill: He’s bad feng shui. I don’t know.
Dara: The arbiter of doom. James.
Jill: He is! Every time he opens the door, something bad happens, and he’s coming to tell her about the protesters.
Dara: "The show’s never gonna win an Emmy."
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Oh, snap!
Jill: Um… something that– This whole point of, like– Okay. An art gallery’s greatest hope, in my opinion, would be to get protesters. Don’t you think?
Dara: Yeah, because it brings camera crews.
Karman: Stimulate conversation.
Jill: Thank you.
Dara: Huge publicity.
Jill: The fact that they’re upset by the idea of protesters, especially given that the showing, this entire art show’s called Provocations, to me, was a really stupid plot point. You want there to be press, you want there to be protests, because it brings people to the show. It sells newspapers.
Karman: It sells tickets.
Jill: It sells tickets. So the fact that they’re all upset about it was a little weird to me. I was like–
Karman: Well, Bette’s always indignant.
Jill: Yeah, you’re right.
Karman: That’s why.
Dara: Always.
Karman: Always indignant.
Dara: She doesn’t have a marketing mind, where she doesn’t see that this is good news for the museum.
Karman: "The Philistines don’t understand."
Dara: She gets, uh, she gets very put upon and upset and can’t believe it’s happening and–
Jill: But she still has time to flirt with Candace. Even though she’s upset and indignant and–
Karman: And a homosexual pornographer.
Jill: And a homosexual pornographer, thank the lord.
Dara: The Philistines are at the gate and she’s eyeing Candace’s ass.
Karman: And, like, rubbing up against her butch watch.
Jill: Yeah.
[Jill makes rubbing/sex noises]
Dara: They do, they have pinkie sex, it’s like–
[Karman and Dara rub their pinkies together and make panting noises]
Dara: And then, "Oh, no, we can’t do that."
[Jill pants and wiggles her fingers]
Jill: I’m sorry, do you think these protesters would exist in the city of Los Angeles? Do you think these types of– Do you see this happening?
Dara: There might be two crazy people with one sign?
Karman: A couple of them, maybe, but not scores.
Jill: But that group of people? I’m like, this is L.A. I hate to– This is the capital of filth and degradation. There’s not gonna be those kinds of protesters for anything.
Karman: Hello, we live in Sodom for a reason!
Jill: Hell-ooo!
Karman: Jealous?
Jill: Jealous?
Dara: Just south of Gomorrah.
Karman: Just south of Gomorrah.
Jill: Anyway, I just thought that whole thing was– [makes retching noise]
Dara: Candace has a good suggestion. They’ll do abortion defense.
Jill: Yes. To get the art in. Because they’ve apparently blocked the doors, so they have to do something in order to–
Karman: Isn’t that illegal?
Jill: Yes!
Dara: It’s totally illegal. The cops should’ve… They have a permit, whatever.
Jill: You can protest, but you can’t block the–
Dara: You can’t block it.
Jill: And then Bette’s like, "No, they have the right. What are we gonna do?" And I was like, um, it’s not legal for them to block the doors.
Dara: It’s called, go to the cop and–
Karman: Get an injunction!
Jill: Get an injunction!
Karman: Is that what it is? I don’t– It’s not that? Sounded good, though, right?
Jill: You sounded so, like–
Karman: Injunction.
Jill: Injunction!
Karman: Conjunction, injunction, what’s your function? Uh, what was your– What was the line you guys liked about Bette when she was saying "Have you ever done abortion protest?"
Dara: Oh yeah, Bette goes, "No, I’ve only written checks."
Jill: But I pointed out that I thought she said it rather like, like she was like, Candace was sort of saying, "Well, haven’t you ever done this?"
Karman: Been in the trenches?
Jill: And Bette’s like, "I’ve written checks." Like–
Karman: "So shut it."
Jill: "So shut it." Like, "I’ve done my part. I may not get in there with the people, but I give money."
Karman: "My checks get in there with the people."
Dara: "I write checks to buy ladles, but I would never really show my face in a soup kitchen."
Jill: Exactly.
Karman: I was like, "Ladles? Why do they need ladles at an abortion protest?" Then I saw where you were going with it. Now I’m with you. Sorry.
Dara: [makes scooping motion] For the fetuses.
Jill: [groans] Oh, no…
Karman: It’s kind of funny, though. I don’t care. Whatever.
Jill: I’m pro-choice, but… that is kind of funny. Or no, wait. That didn’t make sense. I’m not even gonna get into this. Because we’re gonna cause, you know, a stir.
Karman: An outrage?
Jill: A stir!
Karman: A stir. With the ladle.
Jill: Get it? With a ladle? Oh my god! Okay.
Karman: That was so good.
Jill: Okay.
Karman: Could we just talk about Marina and the trapeze artist?
Dara: Oh my god. When did she get so evil? See, this is the thing I have about the way they write her character.
Karman: When did she lose her game?
Dara: Like, she was supposed to be all that, and then suddenly she’s just some manipulative, toxic…
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: Weirdo A-hole.
Karman: With no game!
Dara: With no game.
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: Well, you know what? She’s trying to pull that "Oh, Eros the Bittersweet" and Robin’s like, "What?" She couldn’t care less. It’s awesome.
Karman: "Did you ever see Fellini film blahblahblahblahblah?" "Uh, no."
Jill: "No. I’m not that fancy, okay?"
Dara: "Can I speak a foreign language to you in an accent?"
Karman: "No. Can I get another Diet Coke?"
Dara: I know. Robin’s like, "Um…"
Jill: "I need a Velveeta sandwich."
Dara: "I just want a normal person."
Karman: Ooh, pimento cheese with Velveeta.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: Eww.
Karman: Don’t judge!
Jill: I like how Robin–
Dara: Eww!
Karman: With Miracle Whip.
Dara: Eww!!
Jill: I don’t like pimento, I’m not there with you.
Dara: Virginian.
Karman: It’s just peppers.
Jill: I like how Robin wasn’t impressed with her Europeanness.
Karman: Me too.
Dara: She doesn’t fall for that schtick.
Karman: You knew she wasn’t going to be long for this show.
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: She’s too unimpressed with B.S.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: She’s like, "Uh, she needs to get out of here."
[Cut]
Karman: Too bad they didn’t write Anne Ramsay’s character in a little more.
Jill: Yeah, she’s great.
Karman: She was sort of likeable and sane.
Jill: She was likeable.
Dara: That’s why they don’t want her.
Karman: Yes, that means she had to go.
Jill: So now we get to the scene where they’re attacking the art, and the guy– Okay, the woman who plays the Mary Magdalene character–
Dara: The artist.
Jill: Did you notice the way the guy said it? It was like– It was supposed to be that he was disgusted but he seemed utterly turned on.
Karman: I know.
Jill: "You’re the woman that was having sex on your knees in front of Jesus." Like, he had this lascivious, like–
Dara: Yes.
Jill: Did you feel that?
Dara: I think that was on purpose. Because a lot of them are just those repressed people who are alarmed at their feelings and they turn it against whatever.
Karman: Well, the best part was the cop actually dragged her off for it.
Dara: The cop was like "Oh my god, really?" And then her arrested her. Based on this idiot.
Karman: I know! I was like, what?
Jill: Yeah. And then they all got arrested.
Karman: That’s fine.
Dara: I love how in the police van, Alice comes on to the chick.
Jill: That was great. That was awesome.
Karman: I loved it. That was a good call.
Dara: "Hey sexy."
Jill: "Hey sexy."
Karman: "Hey sexy Republican. I’m gonna knot your pearls, baby."
Dara: I think that was Leisha.
Jill: Mmhmm. Yeah, I’m guessing that was a little improv.
Karman: Will we ever know? I don’t know.
Jill: Okay, now…
Dara: So they all get driven to the pokey.
Jill: They’re getting driven to the pokey but this is the scene where Jenny decides that because she’s writing a short story about the manatees that she’s going to visit the aquarium. And Jenny has–
Dara: To interview them?
Jill: To interview them. And here’s what happens when Jenny goes to the aquarium. In our head, anyway.
[Cut to reenactment.]
[Jill, as Jenny, writes in notebook amidst packaged fish. Dolphin noises sound.]
[Cut back to the couch.]
Jill: We now cut to the ladies in the big house.
Dara: In the slammer.
Karman: In the pokey.
Jill: The pokey.
Dara: L.A.P.D.
Karman: What?
Jill: What? So you know every one has their phone call to make.
Dara: The one call they get.
Jill: The one phone call that you get.
Karman: How will you use it? Who will you call?
Jill: How will you use it? Well, here’s how we think… Someone else say something.
Karman: Now.
Dara: Here’s how we think they would have… Um, who they would have called.
[Cut to reenactment.]
["Candace" (the hammer) dials.]
Dara: Hey, Yolanda? It’s Candace… Hey, what are you wearing? Other than your anger, I mean… Ooh, that’s hot… Yeah? Yeah? Are you in bed? … Oh, you’re in the bath? Nice… What are you doing? … Tell me about it…. Oh, I gotta go. [hangs up]
["Alice" sock puppet dials]
Karman: Um, hi, is your refrigerator running? … Maybe you should go catch it. Haha.
["Dana" sock puppet dials.]
Dara: Yeah, hi, I’d like to order a pizza? Large pie? … Uh, ham and pineapple and, oh, garlic butter and extra marinara… Delivery? Yeah, to, um, the L.A. county jail… Twenty minutes? Great. Thanks.
["Bette" sock puppet dials.]
Jill: Yeah, hi, this is Bette Porter and– What? Ten cents a minute? No, wait, wait wait wait a minute, nononononono, I– Wait… Including the Internet? That sounds like a great deal. No, I always love to save money. Do you have any corporate packages? You know what, I thought I was calling my lawyer. [hangs up in a huff] Damn.
["Shane" sock puppet dials.]
Karman: Hello, Cherie? Uh, Cherie? … Dude, I think I called China. What the hell?
[Cut back to couch.]
Dara: That was messed up.
Jill: That was messed up.
Karman: Who would you call?
Jill: I would call…
Dara: Uh…
Jill: I would call…
Karman: Oprah.
Dara: [to Karman] I might call you.
Karman: Really?
Jill: I don’t know who I would call.
Dara: You’re my emergency contact.
Karman: Thank you. I so would be there for you. [pats Dara’s leg] I would take the money from somebody to get you out. I’d make it happened, it’d be cool.
Jill: I don’t know who I’d call.
Karman: I’d get a bail bond. Chico’s Bail Bonds.
Jill: I would probably want to call and brag to one of my friends. "Guess where I am."
Dara: "Guess where I am."
Jill: "I’m in prison!"
Karman: Ooh, I wouldn’t.
Dara: That’s so cool.
Karman: Can you imagine how germy it would be there?
Dara: Oh, yeah.
Jill: Forgot to turn my phone off. Okay.
Dara: Actually, I’ve been in the New York City jail down at, uh, Police Plaza–
Jill: What for?
Dara: Because we were shooting–
Karman/Jill: Because. [mocking Dara’s accent]
[Dara rolls her eyes]
Karman: About time.
Jill: It’s about time.
Karman: It’s about time we talked, because.
Dara: Because [pronounces it like they do]. Actually, no, I was working on a film and we had a bunch of scenes in the jail, so–
Jill: Don’t lie.
Dara: No, we were, we were shooting upstairs–
Karman: [making air quotes] Film.
Dara: And we had to go past the real cells to…
Karman: Did somebody throw something unmentionable at you?
Dara: There were– Ew.
Karman: I didn’t mention it.
Jill: Like a bra?
Dara: It’s wasn’t– She’s– You’re talking about Silence of the Lambs. I know where you’re going.
Karman: Yeah.
Jill: Ew.
Dara: They had a holding cell. One was packed shoulder-to-shoulder with prostitutes and whatever, and then right next to it was this cell where there was just one girl in it. And we asked them, why are there, like– They’re like sardines over here and she’s alone? And they said that they weren’t sure she was eighteen, so legally they had to put her separated, separate.
Karman: So remember that, if you ever get put in the pokey, say that–
Dara: Tell them you’re seventeen.
Karman: –You’re seventeen.
Jill: "No, really, I am."
Dara: Really.
Karman: Hide your crow’s feet and go, "I’m seventeen."
Jill: "I have progeria."
Dara: "I have progeria."
Karman: Did you really?
Dara: Life on the street, life on the street will age you.
Jill: Now the lesbians with progeria are gonna get mad at me.
Karman: Hope your address is unlisted. Because there’s gonna be some protests.
Jill: I’m sorry, I’m trying to figure out a way to help people.
Dara: Anyway, um, jail is creepy. Don’t end up in jail.
Karman: No, jail is whack.
Dara: I thought crack is whack?
Karman: That’s what Shane said. No, she said jail is whack. I laughed out loud.
Jill: She did say that.
Karman: I was like, that is one of the funniest lines I have ever heard on the show. "Jail is whack."
Dara: Like, all those years on the street, she’s never been in jail, really? Really?
Karman: She was good at what she did.
Jill: Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought that same thing. I was like, you never got caught.
Karman: I’m so naive I never thought about that.
Dara: She’s very swift of foot.
[cut]
Jill: Here’s what I have to say about Jenny and Gene. It seems as though Jenny will go on a date with anyone. At any time. And anywhere.
Dara: Pretty much anyone who talks, anyone who strikes up a conversation that has more than two sentences exchanged.
Jill: She’s like, "Let’s have sex."
Karman: Did you think he was a girl?
Dara: "What are you doing for dinner?"
Jill: I thought he was just… I thought he talked like a robot.
Dara: You thought Lisa was a male-identified…? Yeah, he was, um…
Jill: Did you notice that their speech patterns together– They were like, [monotone] "Yeah, and this and this" and she was like, "Yeah, and this and this."
Dara: I think Gene might be medicated.
Karman: I thought he was actually a good match for her. I thought they were kind of, like, perfect for each other. More so than all the nice, sane people she went out with.
Jill: Yeah. I didn’t like her with Robin because Robin should be with someone else.
Karman: God, no.
Dara: Robin…
Jill: Robin’s too hot and funny and cool.
Dara: Robin’s too cool. Gene is just like Jenny, a little, kind of, soft-spoken but a little insane. Overly sensitive and too observant.
Karman: He had the cuckoo eyes.
Dara: Way too much navel gazing.
Jill: Yes. I agree.
Karman: I thought they were a good match, personally. But whatevs.
Dara: And he has a stupid haircut.
Karman: Yes he does.
Jill: Meanwhile…
Dara: Meanwhile. Back at the ranch.
Jill: Kit and– Er, Kit. No. I was gonna talk about Kit in the station but who cares. Bette and Candace are doing everything in the world to not have sex. Including math.
Dara: And alphabet games.
Jill: And alphabet games.
Dara: I’m surprised they didn’t play I Spy and, um, Twenty Questions.
Karman: Punch buggy.
Jill: They were seriously doing everything to not–
Dara: What?
Karman: Punch buggy.
Dara: What’s that?
Jill: What’s that?
Karman: When you spot a Volkswagen bug, you punch. [fakes punching Dara]
Jill: Oh, I used to do that.
Karman: It’s– I didn’t do it. It’s alright.
Jill: A yellow one. Slug bug. [fakes punching Dara]
[Cut.]
Jill: So Jenny and Robin are at dinner, and–
Karman: Are we done with this episode yet?
Jill: No, and we’re at 32 minutes.
Dara: Wait, did we talk about, um, what Candace was doing?
Jill: We’re getting there.
Karman: Jenny talks…
Jill: They talk about, first, their embarrassing moment, and then–
Karman: Oh my god!
Dara: What is it? Handbags?
Karman: [reading her notes] Jenny talks about hand jobs on her first date with a woman!
Jill: Yes.
Karman: [throws down notebook] Okay, you know what?
Jill: It sucks. And that she just pulled her underwear aside. And got… done.
Karman: I have two words for this. Check please.
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: Inappropriate dinner conversation.
Jill: I agree.
Karman: No. [picks up notebook] Why do I wanna hear that?
Dara: Because she has no boundaries, she has no filter, and she doesn’t–
Karman: She has no freakin’ sense in her head.
Jill: In her head. [mocking Karman’s accent]
Dara: To her it’s all just…
Karman: She’s a spew.
Dara: It’s truth.
Karman: She emotes ad nauseum.
Dara: Yeah.
Karman: And by ad nauseum, I mean [vomiting noise].
Jill: But then, what’s funny is that it made Robin like her even more.
Dara: That is the Latin term for that.
Jill: Because Robin realized that she lost her virginity at thirteen and it wasn’t a good experience for her, and Robin kinda went, "Oh, Jenny" and then that’s when she should have said "Check please! Too many issues for me to deal with."
Karman: No, but the thing is, honestly, you’re dealing with women. Every woman has issues around sexuality.
Jill: What do you mean?
Karman: Because we live in a patriarchal culture and B.S. happens to women all the time.
[Cut.]
Karman: I’m just saying that when you’re dealing with a pool of females, there’s always issues around sexuality, because that’s the culture we live in.
Dara: Or manatees.
Karman: Or Beluga whales, if you wanna get real technical.
Dara: Or porpoises and seals–
Karman: Or chimps! Apparently. Or sea otters.
Dara: Because those are not manatees.
Jill: Yes. Okay. Anyway. So you were saying.
Karman: I don’t even know. I just feel like, it’s one thing for a chick to have issues around sexuality because in our culture–
Jill: On the first date, though.
Karman: I don’t know, whatever. I’m not offended by that.
Dara: That is not… Those are not topics for your first date.
Karman: It’s just that she’s got so many other issues on top of it all, you know?
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: Her issues have issues.
Karman: And she was sort of bragging about it, I thought. Like, she was sort of enamored of her own pathos.
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: And that’s not cool.
Dara: Because she’s a writer, she thinks everything that happens to her is, um…
Karman: Alright.
Jill: Fodder for…
Dara: Interesting and true.
Karman: Okay, jump back, though. You’re a writer.
Dara: Allegedly.
Karman: You haven’t told me about your bad hand job experiences on our first writers’ meeting. Why am I doing this? It’s just editing. It’s stupid.
Jill: No, you’re making sense.
Karman: Anyway. I am just saying that you’re a writer and you’re not like that.
Dara: Because I am not… As normal people, we are not like Jenny. Jenny is like that hit of acid you didn’t ask for.
Karman: Ah, that brings us to a great point. Share with the people what you said about Jenny. You said Jenny is like–
Dara: Yeah. She’s a hit of acid that nobody asked for. You meet her and suddenly you find yourself acting insane and you have no idea why, and the only way you can get back to where you were is to get her out of your life.
Karman: But with acid, it only takes about 24 hours for that crap to get out of your system.
Jill: And with Jenny, she lives in your back house.
Dara: With her, it’s permanent brain damage.
Karman: Not a symbolic back house, the actual back house.
Jill: Yeah. She won’t leave.
Karman: She won’t leave.
Jill: Okay.
Dara: And she’ll ask to borrow your salad bowl.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: You know what we didn’t even talk about?
Jill: What?
Karman: Jenny asking Tim if she could have a date at the house.
Dara: Right.
Karman: "Can I use the kitchen?"
Dara: That’s the salad bowl.
Karman: "I wanna make her a Nicoise salad." I’m like, "You know what, go shove it up your ass. Are you kidding me?
Dara: She only cares about what she wants.
Karman: Are you kidding me?
Jill: And then he was nice enough to let her do it!
Dara: He said yes, I won’t be home, go ahead.
Jill: He said yes, and then– And we’re skipping ahead a bit–
Dara: "Don’t use all my balsamic."
Jill: He, he brings his group of– He brings his friends back from their, whatever, football night or whatever–
Dara: Basketball and beer.
Jill: Whatever. And she then makes out in front of them.
Karman: Compulsively. Not with any real feeling. Like, "Oh, you’re walking– I just gotta grab you and force myself on you."
Jill: Yes!
Karman: So compulsive.
Dara: And they’re all sitting there like "Woohoo!"
Karman: "Woo! Yeah!"
Dara: And she doesn’t stop.
Karman: "You must not’ve been able to have satisfied her!" [punches Dara] And I’m like, why didn’t anybody kick that guy in the teeth?
Jill: You know what?
Karman: [rubs Dara’s arm] Sorry.
Jill: These guys are jerks, but out of respect to your ex-husband–
Karman: You don’t do that.
Jill: Not even ex yet, your husband–
Karman: Don’t do that.
Jill: Don’t make out with your date in front of him and his friends! Like, that was so– I was like– And if I’d have been Robin, I would have been like, "Excu– Oh gross!" I would have been like, "I’m sorry, I’m not to be put on display."
Karman: Oh, no. "I’m not porn for straight guys."
Jill: Exactly. "I’m not porn for straight–" Thank you.
Dara: Are we supposed to be led to believe that they were so into each other, that they…
Jill: No, no, because–
Dara: The rest of the world fell away, and–
Jill: I feel like the camera– The way that they edited, they made it like it was very much a…
Dara: Statement?
Jill: She looked at them and looked at her and thought…
Karman: "How can I use this moment?"
Jill: "How can I use this?" And then kissed her.
Karman: To provoke somebody.
Jill: She could have kissed her inside–
Dara: Right.
Jill: But she waited until they walked outside to do it.
Karman: You know what, Robin? Good for you. You got out. You dodged a bullet.
Dara: She could have put an extra shift in at the grocery store and made some money and taken her to a restaurant.
Jill: Yes, exactly.
Karman: Even, like, a fast-food restaurant.
Jill: Yeah. "Let’s go to the Taco Bell." You can get a meal there for four bucks.
Dara: Why didn’t they just go to Robin’s house?
Karman: Let me tell you something. I didn’t like Tim at the beginning of this episode, but I liked it better.
Dara: You know why? Robin lives in a circus trailer.
Karman: Perfect place for Jenny. That’s not an excuse. She belongs there.
Jill: Have you seen When Night is Falling?
Karman: Yeah! That’s actually a really good movie.
Dara: [to Jill] Don’t be clicking your pen at me.
Jill: Sorry. I like that movie.
Karman: I love that movie. It’s gorgeous.
Dara: Yeah, it’s good.
Jill: But what I liked even more was Candace and Bette… Sorry. You know my transitions are gonna happen. You know it’s my job, it’s what I have to do.
Dara: This was the scene of the season.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: Strange as it is.
Karman: Not in a good way. Not in a good way.
Dara: Anyway, should we just show it?
Jill: Let’s just show our version of it.
Karman: Just do it.
[Cut to reenactment.]
[Candace the hammer is lying down.]
Dara: Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. I spy with my little eye something made of metal.
["Bette" kisses a wall and pants.]
Jill: Oh… Candace…
[Back to Candace.]
Dara: The square root of nine is three!
[Back to Bette climbing the wall.]
Jill: Candace! Oh. Yes. Candace.
[Back to Candace.]
Dara: A, E, I, O, Uuuuuuu!
[Back to Bette.]
Jill: Candace! I can’t do this. I must have you!
[Back to Candace.]
Dara: Yeah… yeah… yeah… yeah… Oh, yeah. Pound me, baby, pound me.
[Back to Bette.]
Jill: Oh… oh… oh, yes…
[Back to Candace.]
Dara: Yeah.. yeah… yeah.. yeah… Nail me! Nail me! Oh my god!
[Back to Bette.]
Jill: Yeah… I never wanna leave prison.
[Cut back to the couch.]
Jill: Okay. So…
Dara: Was it good for you?
Jill: It was. It was great for me.
Karman: I feel like I need, like—
Dara: A shower?
Karman: A shower and some anti-bacterial hand wash.
Jill: Yeah. Me too.
Dara: And a mint?
Karman: Not necessarily in that order.
Jill: For my tongue.
Karman: And a mint.
Dara: And a delousing.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: And a cavity search.
Karman: And a catheter.
Jill: I have to say, their chemistry was really good.
Dara: Palpable?
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: In a no-palping way?
Jill: No? I know you [pointing to Karman] want to disagree but think ahead, though, to the next episode. The hotel.
Karman: No, I know. I’m taking it all in.
Jill: Okay. Anyway.
Karman: I just…
Dara: She’s reminiscing.
Karman: I think my problem is that chick Candace reminds me of our friend Bunny.
Jill: She does a little bit.
Dara: She does.
Jill: A little bit.
Karman: And I’m like, Bunny, don’t do that.
Jill: Why? You wouldn’t make out with Bette Porter?
Dara: No, Bunny, no.
Karman: I– Bunny is so sensible. She wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t get involved with a married woman.
Dara: Hell no.
Jill: No.
Karman: Very sensible.
Jill: Yeah, but would you get involved with Bette Porter?
Karman: No! She’s a married woman. I’ve learned.
Jill: Yeah, you have, haven’t you?
Karman: The stupid way. I mean, the hard way. That that isn’t a good idea. It’s not a good life choice.
Dara: It’s a life lesson.
Jill: That is true.
Dara: Everyone’s allowed to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them and you don’t keep repeating your pattern.
Karman: Exactamundo. Learn. Just learn.
Dara: Live and learn.
Jill: But Bette Porter’s damn hot. I’m sorry. If Bette Porter were interested in me, I’d have a hard time–
Dara: I know she’s not, but I’m not so sure she’s any less crazy–
Karman: She’s not my type anyway.
Dara: She’s almost… I don’t know if she’s any less crazy than Jenny.
Jill: She’s not your type?
Dara: She’s tortured, she’s drama–
Jill: She is.
Karman: No, she’s not my type.
Jill: Oh, okay.
Dara: Bette?
Karman: No.
Dara: No.
Karman: I mean, I get it. She’s gorgeous and everything.
Jill: Who’s your type?
Karman: On the show?
Jill: Yeah, on the show. I wouldn’t ask you– And quit fluffing her hair.
Karman: From this season? I am not doing that to her.
Jill: Oh, god. Don’t protest too much.
Karman: Well… I would say Alice, but Alice —
Jill: Do you want me to sit in between you so that you feel okay? Do I need to be in the middle.
Karman: We’re comfortable with our lack of sexuality with each other. Whatever. There’s not really–
Dara: Wait, wait, let me guess, ’cause I think I know you. Your type this season? Has been…
Karman: See?
Dara: Something like Alice’s personality in Dana.
Karman: You’re half right.
Jill: What’s the other half?
Dara: Alice’s personality in…
Karman: Tina.
Dara: Tina?
Karman: She’s girly. I don’t know, she’s cute and girly.
Dara: She’s a doormat. She’s a doormat.
Jill: But you kinda look like her.
Karman: Oh, I do not.
Dara: That’s a double homo.
Jill: She– Okay, does Karman not look like the slightly more androg version of Laurel Holloman?
Karman: No, no.
Dara: You don’t look like Laurel Holloman. You do a great Laurel Holloman impression.
Karman: Acting. It’s acting.
Dara: Acting.
Jill: No, there are some similarities there.
Karman: Whatever. She– You know what? Not everybody can have a weak chin but that’s fine. Let me tell you something. Alice– the kook factor?
Dara: Yeah?
Karman: I dig it, and she’s got a great sense of humor–
Dara: And she’s smart.
Karman: She’s mouthy.
Dara: She’s smart.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: She’s smart and mouthy. I like all that. Some of her other issues wouldn’t work for me.
Jill: Like her bisexuality?
Karman: Just some of her other issues. But, um–
Jill: Like her bisexuality?
Karman: Just issues.
Jill: Okay. [mouths and mimes writing "bisexuality", winks]
Karman: But if we were talking about fast-forwarding into future season time?
Jill: Carmen!
Karman: Hello.
Jill: Hello.
Karman: That is my type.
Jill: Not Karman, but Carmen de la Pica Morales Riveria, whatever the hell her name is.
Karman: Yum yum.
Jill: Yes, I agree. She’s everyone’s type!
Dara: Caliente.
Karman: She’s fiery, she’s passionate, she’s smart, she’s outspoken–
Jill: She’s Latina.
Dara: She looks awesome in Daisy Dukes.
Karman: She’s gorgeous!
Dara: Yes. Great teeth.
Karman: She’s all those things.
Jill: Notice how we have to bring her in even though she’s not even in this season?
Karman: I think we’ve talked about her, like, ten times and she’s not been on the show yet.
Dara: Have you? Get her.
Karman: Huh?
Dara: Go get her. Tiger.
Karman: No. It’s just a show.
Jill: Right. Okay, um…
Karman: Why are we talking about this?
Dara: Oh, I don’t know.
Karman: Jail is whack.
Jill: Okay, so they make bail, and making bail was never so sad, as Bette Porter found out.
Karman: Oh, god.
Jill: ‘Cause they were about to… have… an…
Karman: Relations?
Jill: Jailhouse experience, which would be hot, by the way.
Dara: They were gonna…
Jill: I would– Don’t you think?
Dara: Give it to each other family style?
Jill: Family style.
Dara: I still don’t know what that means.
Karman: No, you know why I don’t think? Because I saw Alcatraz, and like, you have to poop in a hole. I’m sorry, that’s gross. That is not a hot environment.
Jill: No, not– Okay.
Dara: I don’t remember seeing that they even had a toilet in their cell.
Karman: Although their jail jumpers were, like, by Gap.
Jill: That’s what I was gonna say!
Karman: Did you see that? Little white tees–
Jill: Yes, little white, really well-fitting–
Dara: A nice little white–
Jill: And I was like, wait a minute.
Karman: This is TV jail.
Jill: This is TV jail.
Dara: Flannel pajama bottoms.
Karman: They want Holly Hunter to come up and go, "Turn to the left!"
Jill: "Turn to the left!"
Karman: "Turn to the right!"
Jill: "Turn to the right!"
Karman: That would have been awesome.
Jill: That would have been great.
Dara: Just because it says "inmate" on the back, doesn’t make it a real prison uniform. Just, you know–
Jill: It was white. It was hysterical.
Dara: You in costume department.
Jill: Well, they were about to do it, and I’m sorry, but I– Prison sex to me is hot. I’ve seen a lot of porn in prison and I’m all about it.
Karman: You watched a lot of porn while you were in prison?
Jill: Yes. And you can quote me on that. Um, so they get out of jail–
Dara: Movie night. Every Thursday.
Karman: I thought they just showed John Travolta movies but okay. Whatever.
Jill: I’m not gonna get into it. I’ll tell you all about that later.
Karman: That’s what she said.
Jill: So, so Bette introduces Candace to Tina as "my cellmate"–
Karman: Let me tell you something. [throws down notebook]
Dara: And by "cellmate"–
Jill: Is that the second time you threw your–
Karman: I am disgusted by Bette’s duplicity.
Dara: It’s outrageous.
Jill: Yes, it’s outrageous.
Karman: I’m like, you know what? I lose respect for you as a person. That is lower than low.
Jill: It is an outrage.
Karman: It is– Maybe just because I’ve had the experience myself, and been on the other end of it. You do not fob off your love interest as a "friend" to your partner and go, "Look at my friend."
Jill: Yeah. "This is my cellmate."
[Karman mimes hitting someone twice.]
Karman: No! You don’t do that.
Jill: Wait! Let me give you Bette Porter and you can smack her.
Karman: Gimme that bitch.
Jill: Is this Bette? This is Bette. Give her a smack. [puts the Bette sock puppet on her hand] Ready? This is how Karman feels about Bette Porter. "Hi, I’m Bette Porter."
Karman: Come up her. [slaps the puppet]
Jill: Ow!
Dara: Hey, now.
Karman: You know what? [slaps it again] No!
Jill: Candace!
Karman: No! [slaps it again] I’m not Candace, I’m me!
Jill: I like it!
Dara: You duplicitous, lying bitch!
Karman: You know what? [chokes the puppet] If you like it, then I’m not going to do it. Rrrrr! Have some principles!
Jill: I’ve been with Tina for seven years and she’s been cold! Sorry!
Karman: [smacks the puppet] Get over yourself.
Jill: Okay, alright. [takes the puppet off]
Karman: No!
Dara: This episode of puppet therapy has been brought to you by…
Karman: How much do I owe you?
Jill: Oh god. Okay.
Karman: That felt good. I feel like I worked through some stuff.
Jill: So Shane…
Dara: Was that cathartic?
Karman: Actually–
Jill: Feel better? Did that get out some of your anger?
Dara: Wow.
Karman: Strangely enough, yeah. I don’t have to, like, drive by the Magic Castle and flip it off anymore. I just worked some stuff out there. It was awesome.
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: I think a lot of people do that just because.
Jill: I hate the Magic Castle for you, Karman.
Karman: Thanks.
Jill: Everyone should hate the Magic Castle. Just for Karman.
Dara: Magicians are stupid.
Jill: And not White Castle, because that’s awesome. But Magic Castle.
Karman: That’s a separate issue.
Dara: Steamed meat. Can’t beat it.
Jill: I love White Castle.
Karman: What? It’s steamed?
Dara: It’s steamed. They don’t cook– they don’t grill it.
Karman: Why?
Jill: Don’t even– Let’s not– I love White Castle. I don’t–
Dara: Why?
Karman: No, but isn’t it sort of, like, weird for them to steam it?
Dara: It’s, like, autoclaved. Autoclaved meat and onions.
Karman: Okay.
Jill: Love it.
Dara: But it’s good.
Karman: I’ve never had that before.
Dara: You’ve never had White Castle?
Karman: They don’t have that where I’m from.
Dara: Are you not from Virginia?
Karman: Yeah, but they don’t have that there. We only got Taco Bell, like, four years ago where I’m from.
Dara: You know, I think we only had one White Castle in all of New Jersey. And I was like– I only had it, like, maybe in the last three years. First time ever.
Jill: Every time I’m home…
Karman: I think it’s like a northish thing.
Dara: No, it’s not a north– I think it’s a midwest thing, ’cause we don’t have it in the northeast.
Jill: It is midwest, but it’s southern midwest, ’cause, like northern Indiana doesn’t have it.
Dara: It’s square… Little tiny square patties about the size–
Jill: They’re sliders. Sliders.
Dara: The size and shape and thickness of a playing card.
Jill: Yeah.
Dara: And they have holes in them, so the steam can–
Karman: Why?
Dara: So the steam can pass through.
Jill: And there’s a ton of onion.
Karman: But isn’t it a weird color if it’s just steamed? Not brown?
Jill: There’s also a lot of soy, there’s a lot of soy in them.
Dara: They autoclave the whole mess and then they put it on a cute little bun.
Karman: Is it like elementary school lunch burgers?
Jill: Yes.
Karman: I love those.
Jill: That’s exactly what they’re like, but with a ton of onion on it.
Karman: They’re just, like, half plastic.
Dara: But really good, sweet onions.
Jill: Oh, it’s… mwah!
Karman: Like vidalia?
Jill: Yes.
Dara: But, like, the best vidalia, vidalias from nirvana.
Jill: I’ll eat them for breakfast.
Karman: Farmed by Kurt Cobain. I love it.
Dara: Before he killed himself.
Jill: I will eat them for breakfast. If I’m going home and I haven’t had White Castle, on the way to the airport at seven A.M. I will stop at a White Castle and get six.
Karman: They have them frozen at Target. Do they taste okay?
Jill: No, they don’t taste– You can’t even– Not frozen.
Karman: Alright.
Jill: This whole thing about White Castle–
Dara: They have T.G.I.F. poppers in the freezer section. It’s not the same.
Jill: It’s not the same.
Karman: They’re not the same?
Dara: I don’t like poppers anyway.
Karman: Then why the hell are you talking about something you know nothing about?
Dara: Hell if I know.
Karman: Alright.
Jill: Okay.
Karman: It’s fine.
Dara: Why are you asking me now after all this time?
Karman: That’s true.
Jill: We’re almost at fifty minutes and we’ve just got a little bit left to go. Um, Shane is on the phone and she decides– Everyone is leaving and figuring out who’s gonna drive who and Shane’s gonna wait for Cherie–
Karman: All your freakin’ life, man.
Dara: "No, I don’t need a ride, Godot is picking me up."
Jill: Yes.
Karman: Okay, you know what? You know what I say to that? [kneels and worships Dara]
Jill: Yes, that was good.
Karman: I’m not worthy.
Jill: Yes, that was good.
[Dara touches Karman’s head. Karman gets back up.]
Karman: That was amazing.
Jill: Yes. Did you write that down before?
Karman: Ow! I hurt myself for you.
Dara: Uh, I don’t know.
Karman: I died for your sins.
Jill: Okay, so now Tim comes and asks Jenny if he was inadequate as a man, which is–
Dara: That’s almost inconceivable.
Karman: Inconceivable.
Dara: I found it inconceivable. Because Tim’s a good guy.
Jill: He’s a good guy.
Dara: He’s good-looking, he’s a nice guy, he’s normal–
Karman: Good muscle tone.
Dara: He works out.
Jill: And Jenny reassures him that if there was any guy it would be him, which then comes back to haunt her later.
Karman: Uh, yeah. Five minutes later, later.
Dara: Because she chose some kind of wood nymph–
Karman: Crispin Glover.
Dara: Some kind of wood nymph marine biologist as her boyfriend.
Jill: And then now the episode ends on Shane at, what, 3:15? Still sitting at the station and I’m going, honey–
Dara: How long do you wait before you decide, I’m just gonna call a cab?
Jill: About twenty minutes for me, and then I’m done.
Dara: And literally, they showed her– She waited for four hours or more?
Jill: Shane does not wait. But that’s the point. They’re trying to show–
Karman: It humanizes her.
Jill: Yes.
Karman: For Cherie.
Jill: She does want to wait for Cherie.
Dara: This is the one instance where she actually has real feelings for another human being.
Jill: Yes.
Dara: And that’s how far she’s willing to go, because of those feelings.
Karman: Don’t you hate it when you finally fall in love and it’s with the person you shouldn’t?
Jill: Yeah.
Karman: That sucks.
Jill: It does suck.
Karman: Sucks to be Shane.
Jill: And a married woman with kids who’s rich and doesn’t want to leave her life is the wrong person.
Karman: Whose kids want to bonk you.
Jill: Yeah. Even worse. That happens to Karman all the time.
Dara: Maybe she should move into their guest home.
Karman: Who, me? That does not happen to me. There are never any kids involved. To hell with that.
Jill: But everything else is right. Alright, that’s the end of this episode.
[Cut to title screen.]
[Cut back to the couch.]
Jill: Whatever!
Dara: Whatev.
Jill: We hope you enjoyed this episode.
Karman: Yeah!
Jill: Why am I doing this all of a sudden?
Karman: Why you going like this?
Jill: I don’t know.
Dara: Yeah, what is this?
Jill: I don’t know.
Dara: Let’s do jazz hands.
Karman: Okay.
[They do.]
Jill: Bye!
[Fade to black.]

Watch the episode here.

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