TRANSCRIPT: Jennie McNulty Presents: Walking Funny With… Erin Foley

Episode Transcribed by: clonchi

Jenny: Hi, this is Jenny McNulty and welcome to another episode of Walking Funny With… Sometimes I have to make concessions to get my guests to agree to come on the show and although she’s a dear friend, Erin Foley said she’d only come on the show if… if she could wear one of my outfits, so welcome to "Walking Funny With…". 2-85, 2-85 HUT!

Erin: GO GIANTS!

[Intro]

Jenny: Hi, this is Jenny McNulty and welcome to another episode of Walking Funny With… Today my guest is the fantastic Erin Foley.

Erin: Hello!

Jenny: Comedian extraordinaire and good buddy of mine. You will have probably seen her, she’s going to be on Comedy Central, she’s on Logo, she’s done it all. She’s here with us tonight, we’re going to take a walk. We’re here in beautiful sunny California. We hope that you download this and walk along with us, you’ll find that you’ll really enjoy it if you do and you might not even notice you’re doing it. If you really hate exercise you won’t even know you’re doing it and you’ll be laughing, because Erin Foley is hysterical.

Erin: And I walk!

Jenny: Look! How much talent in one body can there be?

Erin: Right? I’ve been walking for years!

[Break]

Jenny: Erin’s taking Walking Funny very seriously. See? You should’ve seen her an hour ago.

Erin: This is how I walk.

Jenny: She’s a phenomenal athlete. Oh, hey! She’s breaking out all the stops now. I believe that is the lunar eclipse walk.

Erin: It is…

Jenny: Some people know it as the moon walk, but it’s not all there.

Erin: Lunar rover walk.

Jenny: That’d be more like this… You should’ve heard her talk before we got all juiced up on the caffeine that shall remain nameless because, quite frankly, they’re not sponsoring us, so we’re not going to give them any plugs, no we’re not! But if you’re interested…

Erin: It doesn’t rhyme with farlucks!

Jenny: So anyway, we were just enjoying our stroll here… Now, actually, Erin, you do quite a bit of exercise, don’t you? I mean, you’re a fairly fit gal, basketball player and all…

Erin: I do, I like physical fitness.

Jenny: Were you a member of the Monkey Muscle club?

Erin: The what??? The Monkey Muscle Club??

Jenny: You don’t remember? When I was growing up in Detroit, they had this thing, it was like the President’s Council, Fitness Council or whatever, and I think JFK started it years ago. But I think they called it the Monkey Muscle Club, it reminds – you had to, like, climb up a rope and you had to run around…

Erin: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We had that, like, testing, but I don’t think it was called the Monkey Muscle Club. I don’t know where you grew up… is Detroit in the United States?

Jenny: It used to be, I’m not sure anymore…

Erin: I remember there being like- when you hanged on the bar as long as you could with your chin right above the bar…

Jenny: Yeah.

Erin: And I used to kick butt at that when I was younger, because I could just hang up there for hours, because I had, like, superhuman arm strength when I was little.

Jenny: Well you do have superhuman hands…

Erin: I do… I have large football-playing…

Jenny: Look at that! I’ve got large beefy hands, and look at that! She’s got… I’m telling you, that is one…

Erin: I catch a lot of things with my hand. Oh my god! Look!

[Break]

Jenny: But you played basketball, right? Yes?

Erin: I played basketball, —

Jenny: Did you play in college?

Erin: I played in college until I hurt my back; I have two herniated disks in my back.

Jenny: Ouch.

Erin: Don’t want to start up the interview bragging. I’ve got some lower back pain… But I run, I swim, I play some croquet, I played a mean set of croquet game two weeks ago.

Jenny: Are you serious?

Erin: Yeah, it’s super fun.

Jenny: Where do you play croquet?

Erin: In my friend’s backyard. It was actually in New Jersey. I was back at home in NYC and we have friends that bought a house in New Jersey and they have this awesome backyard and we played croquet for like four hours.

Jenny: You know what? You can’t make fun of the Monkey Muscle Club when you play croquet, all right? That’s just a proper game one plays.

Erin: Well, you can play it with beer, which is awesome!

Jenny: Oh, well all right then, that loses the properness right there!

Erin: Where the hell is my wicket! And then you’d be like throwing up on yourself. It’s really fun.

Jenny: Do you get extra points for that?

Erin: You do. If you barf on the wicket, you get a free pass. No, it’s fun.

Jenny: We’re not recommending drinking heavily.

Erin: No.

Jenny: Just for the record.

Erin: No!

Jenny: We’re saying it’s a lot of fun, but we’re not recommending doing it.

Erin: And don’t get in the car if you’ve been playing croquet for hours! That’s really bad… It’s against the state law.

Jenny: Never wicket and drive! Isn’t that the saying?

Erin: Never wicket and drive!

Jenny: Wicket or ticket!

[Break, stand-up performance]

Erin: So I live in LA, and it’s super fun too – you know the climate is so awesome that you can hike and do all kinds of fun things outside. I hate going to the gym. I hate working out at the gym. There’s always some sort of unnecessary stress at the gym and of course, it’s LA, so… I go to use the bike, and of course, you know, there’s this hot LA femme-bot next to me with her little stunning track suit and her little iPod Nano and I lumber up with the largest CD Walkman ever erected. I think it was built in ’86. Basically, I brought a Victrola to the gym, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I was like: "Do you guys have some 3-point adapters and extension chords? The little piece that plays in the middle for some 45’s? No? All right…" I look over and she’s using the shuffle feature. I’m like: "Oh! The shuffle feature! That’s awesome. I like to take the needle and just jump it up three or four songs. You want to go out? No? All right…"

[Break]

Jenny: Anyway… so, my point is…

Erin: Am I supposed to be looking at the camera?

Jenny: You can look at the camera, it’s fine. The peeps out there want to see your beautiful face. Smile for them! Do you know any goofy, fun faces to make?

Erin: Oh, I have a horrible face. When I do the face, people are like "Stop!" You ready?

Jenny: Ok.

Erin: It’s a horrible, horrible face. Sometimes I cross my eyes and people throw up in their mouths.

Jenny: Oh god…

[Break]

Erin: I just taped a half-hour Comedy Central special in Manhattan a month ago.

Jenny: Exciting?

Erin: It was awesome. It was like, my favorite thing I’ve ever done in comedy, I think.

Jenny: That’s really good. Good for you.

Erin: It was great. It was a beautiful theater and tons of friends and family and drank a lot of champagne after. It was great, it was like just a culmination of, you know, all those bad sets that you do for so long, so it was, it was so great. And the Comedy Central people were just amazing and the whole experience was… thumbs up. So that’s going to air, I think December, maybe. December-January.

Jenny: Make sure you watch for that. This woman is hysterical. She’s also one of my "Queer On Their Feet" feet, she’s one of my feet. I do an improv called "Queer On Their Feet". It’s a really fun show, again, I’ve got a thing with feet. I don’t know why, it’s some sort of weird fetish. I never realized before. But she’s a really amazing improviser as well, because you’re just weird and wild and goofy.

[Break, "Queer On Their Feet"]

Guy: I’m going to introduce this game. This game is called "sentences". Jenny and Erin are going to be in the scene and they’re going to use your sentences that you wrote. I need a relationship between Jenny and Erin. Any relationship.

Woman in the crowd: Psychotic Exes!

Guy: Psychotic exes! Ok, Jenny and Erin: psychotic exes! And, scene!

Jenny: I can’t believe you’re here.

Erin: I love you and hate you at the same time! But you know, it’s good to see you again.

Jenny: I don’t know that I feel the same way. After what you did to me with the girl and…

Erin: I’m sorry, it just kind of happened, you know?

Jenny: It just happens 74 times?

Erin: I had a lot of energy. And I felt like I needed to get it out, you know? I wanted to be a better partner to you.

Jenny: You know what? I felt, I felt… "A 22-year old demanded to know today why are you doing that?" and I had to say I am crying, because my ex-girlfriend cheated on me 74 times and then we got back together, and then we broke up, and then we got back together, and then we broke up.

Erin: Well, I mean… It’s a lot. I mean, it wasn’t 74 times…

Jenny: I was following you!!

Erin: Oh my god!

Jenny: What, you didn’t see my car driving back and forth day and night??! Me peering into your window?! Checking your caller ID?!

Erin: I thought it was kind of fun. You know, I just wanted to tell you, listen: "Orange shoes are very bright", ok? I could see you with your orange shoes on through the car window and I was like: "That’s crazy Jenny with her f*****g crazy shoes." Now, Jenny, listen, ok? "How did she get here? Oh my god I’m f*****g someone else", but, listen, the point is, it happened and whatever. Sh*t happens.

Jenny: Sh*t happens?

Erin: Yeah.

Jenny: Sh*t happens??? "If I were you, I would catch an earlier plane home, sister." I have had it with you. You know what? I wore out the soles of my orange shoes chasing your ass around.

Erin: I also wanted to let you know this. I killed your—I killed all your cats. It was me. It was me. And I just wanted to look in their little cat eyes and say: "I’ll eat the raisins, you eat the almonds!"

[Break]

Erin: We’re still walking!

Jenny: So, in addition to our passion for comedy and exercise, we also share, Erin and I do, a passion for the football game.

Erin: Best sport on the face of the planet.

Jenny: This is one crazy Giants fan right here.

Erin: You mean the world champion New York Giants? Is that what you’re referring to, Jenny?

Jenny: I was. And have you noticed that I’m donning my not-so-world-champion Detroit Lions earrings because we’re going to get them next year man! And this just got two games.

Erin: Drew Stanton is going to have a good year this year.

Jenny: He’s going to come back and Bobby Lane, the guy that used to throw in the 50’s, he was a good quarterback, we’re going to be great.

Erin: Yes.

Jenny: But we watched a playoff game in Erin’s house last year, and I must admit, I thought she was just going to – I thought her head was going to explode. I mean, I knew she loved football, but she’s got a ritual.

Erin: Yeah.

Jenny: She’s got the clothes…

Erin: Something comes over me when I watch the New York Giants. First of all, I only can watch games with a select few, so, good to have you there.

Jenny: Haven’t been back, either.

Erin: For the Superbowl I had basically watched it in solidarity.

[Break]

Erin: You know what we should discuss?

Jenny: What?

Erin: We should discuss this: I have this thing where – it’s so stupid, but – I can wear like Giant’s shirts, but I feel like I can’t really don the jersey as a gay lady. I have trouble donning the big old jerseys, because I feel like I’m going to be walking down the street and someone’s going to be like: "You are the gayest lady alive!" So I never bought a jersey. But I’ve been in so many stores in front of jerseys and I’m like: "Can I buy it? I want to buy it."

[Break]

Erin: There’s something in my head, I should just get the jersey, because I could wear a football helmet and I’m just going to get the jersey and embrace the gay.

Jenny: What if you wore the jersey and pumps?

Erin: What if I get like a huge jersey and like a sash and pumps and be like: "What’s up ladies?"

Jenny: Then you’d look like a Fox Sports reporter.  Whoops! Did I just slam Fox Sports right here?

Erin: I hate when that happens… wear a lot of rouge and some lipstick.

[Break]

Erin: You know you have – you get attached to players and then you have to let them go. I’m a Yankee fan, and you get attached to a player for about 3 months and then they get automatically traded, so I’ve had my heart broken so many times by the Yankees that, you know…

Jenny: I think you ought to get – when they trade the player, you ought to be able to trade in the jersey and get another jersey, you know?

Erin: Yes!

Jenny: You spent all that money on those jerseys with the name and everything, and then they trade them…

Erin: I also, at this point, really, really need to be best friends with Derek Jeter, I mean I’ve watched every game he’s ever been in. Last night, I’m like downloading footage, because he broke Lou Gehrig’s number of hits in the Yankees’ Stadium, I’m crying, it’s one in the morning.

Jenny: Did he really? Wow!

Erin: I’m like: "Why aren’t we friends? This is absolutely ridiculous! I mean, it’s getting annoying! So, Derek Jeter…"

Jenny: Now, you’ve been to a game at Yankees’ Stadium, I would think…

Erin: Have I what?

Jenny: Have you been to a game at Yankees’ Stadium?

Erin: Oh, yeah, I’ve been to like hundreds, yes. It’s – well, I moved to Manhattan in ’96, I’ve watched them since I was like 5, but ’96 was the first year I actually went to the stadium. So when I left in 2006 – so, 10 years of ball games, and then I just went back in August for two weeks and I got 4 games in, so I said goodbye to the stadium.

Jenny: Oh, ok.

Erin: Yeah… or 3 games, 2 night games and a day game. So…

Jenny: Did you steal anything from the stadium?

Erin: Just… just memories!

[Break]

Jenny: So how is Peanut?

Erin: Aw, Peanut! My extra-large tabby…  

Jenny: Extra-large… it’s the size of a horse. You can ride Peanut!

Erin: Peanut, the quick story of Peanut is… I moved out here 2 summers ago and got a sublet, friend of a friend, moved in, and it was this chick’s cat. And she didn’t really take care of him, so I started sort of like feeding him and taking care of him and then she moved out, and she was like: "I’ll be in New York for a month. I’ll be back for the cat." And she never came back. So, now I have a cat named Peanut. He’s been with me for 2 years and I’m obsessed with him. He blogs! He actually hasn’t blogged in a while. He knocks over everything, he’s destroyed most of the house. I also had to buy – because the vet – he literally just breaks everything and the vet was like: "Go out and buy anti-anxiety spray, because the cat might be anxious." So I’d buy like, 40-dollar – it’s called like "Feliway," and you spray it on your furniture to calm down the cat. Meanwhile the cat could give a crap, you know? I’m like, spraying that in my own hair, to calm down my own anxiety, because everything would – it looked like you got robbed. You get up in the morning and there’s just – everywhere. He’s calmed down now, but…

Jenny: Well, you’ve been drugging him, so…

Erin: Yeah… I’ve been slipping him some Xanax in the kitty food.

[Break]

Erin: I get volatile and I break out in facial sweats when I think about Sarah Palin. I mean like, just – just experience alone. She just does not have enough experience to be president. And I say president because McCain is about to drop dead in about 30 days. He’s like 89 with 17 bouts of melanoma. But Palin – oh my God – the only thing is like, you watch those like, MSNBC and CNN shows where they split the screen and you get two Democrats screaming at two Republicans?

Jenny: Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Erin: And – so, I was watching this show the other day, that, the Republicans were like: "She lowered taxes, she did this, she did that." And the Democrats screamed back, and I’m like – my friend and I were watching and we’re like, all we have to do, as a Democrat, like, you just have to pause and go: "In Alaska!". Like, you know, there’s your trump card. We’re like, what’s in Alaska? Like 900 people and some baby harp seals.

[Break]

Jenny: So this is what cracks me up. Now, Erin, I know her, and we’re good pals, and she is an immensely smart individual and she watches MSNBC, and the fancy shows, you just heard her say that. But what I don’t get…

Erin: All the time… I’m very intelligent. Very intelligent. I read all the time.

Jenny: She does!

Erin: Backwards, forwards…

Jenny: She’s got Brazilian books, she reads in Chinese. They’re not even Chinese books, she just reads them upside down and backwards. She’s amazing. But, in all seriousness, very intelligent woman, what I don’t get: Project Runway. I don’t get that. I just don’t get that!

Erin: I love that show! I love it! I eat it up, it’s like a bowl of New York Giants. Yum! Eat it up…

[Break, stand-up performance]

Erin: Any Project Runway fans? You’re not alone. I, seriously, I love that show more than anything. It’s like, it’s just so fun, the competition is fantastic and the design element and I love Heidi Klum. I love her so much, I’m extremely attracted to Heidi and I have like a visceral straight male reaction when she comes on my television set, it’s pathetic. She’ll walk down the runway and she’d be like: "Hello, designers." I’m like: "Take your top off!! I want to make out with your face!" I love her. She also has the best sound bites on the show, by far, you know? You got these fashion icons and fashion editors, you know, deconstructing the dress and the hemming; and there’s Heidi, there’s cameras on her and she’s like: "Hmmm… you had so many fun things to work with. Yet all you came up with was this sad brown dress". Good point, Heidi! Good eye. I love you. Granted, she’s not the brightest bulb, I have to say. Because if you listen closely, she has like a lot of long pauses when it comes to numbers. Like, she’d be like: "There are 9 designers in front of me. 1 of you will go home. Leaving only… 13 designers."

[Break]

Erin: I don’t know what it is, also, because I’m like, so not, like, handy. I can’t sew, I can’t cook… I love Top Chef and I love Project Runway. I don’t know what – maybe it’s like aspire, like, these are my aspirations. When I really have no aspirations. I failed Home Ec… I need more skills.

Jenny: You need more skills…

Erin: Not really. Not really.

Jenny: They have places that sew, and restaurants that deliver. You don’t need no skills.

Erin: Exactly.

Jenny: Just work on bringing jokes to the people. We are the court jesters of our day.

Erin: Yes.

Jenny: Without having to worry about getting killed by the king for bringing…

Erin: That’s why I think I’m a big fan of socialism and bartering system, because it’s like, I’ll go to like, some top designer and I’ll be like: "Hey, are you down in the dumps? Here’s an hour of comedy!" And then they can be like: "I’m going to sew all your clothes!" And then you trade… And then I’d go to like, a cobbler and I’d be like: "Hey, I need some shoes! Here’s a pie…"

Jenny: Cobbler…

Erin: And then it all works itself out. And we share salaries and everyone has health insurance. And everyone just makes out with each other.

Jenny: Wow.

Erin: That’s my new ring on socialism.

Jenny: I want to live in Foleyland!

Erin: It’s my new commune.

Jenny: The Erin K. Foley Commune for the unskilled.

Erin: With one cobbler, Heidi Klum and a lot of making out.

Jenny: All right! Well, we hope that you’re enjoying those thoughts. And we hope you haven’t stopped walking altogether with the thought of making out with Heimi Klum – Heidi Klum – I can’t even say her name, I’m all verklemmt…

Erin: Poor Heidi!

Jenny: Heimi Klum… Heimi Klum, not quite as cute as Heidi, but, you know… he’s got his moments!

Erin: That’s her grandfather…

Jenny: Is it?

Erin: No…

Jenny: Well, I thought you might know. You might be part of a fan club or something. Because as smart as she is…

[Break]

Jenny: So, as we are the court jesters of our age, we don’t have to get killed by the king.

[End]

Erin: Yeah.

Jenny: Fortunately, that’s a good thing. But we do have to have our own share of drunken people and obnoxious things and…

Erin: Oh yeah… Gosh… we have to put up with so much crap! It’s so ridiculous. Just to tell jokes, but what we have to do to tell jokes is ridiculous. I was on stage literally two nights ago and – a small room, just like working at new material and I just look out and this guy has his iPod on. Both—both—not, you know, subtle, with one earphone in… full set of earphones, white cord going down. And I looked at him, I was like, are you listening to your iPod? And he goes: "What?"

Jenny: Are you serious?

Erin: I was like, am I being punk’d? Like, this is – this is ridiculous! He’s in the second row and then I go: "What’s up buddy? You got your iPod on, you know, this is like, a live show." And he’s like: "Oh, just – just for emergencies." And I was like, emergencies? I was like, is it a phone? And he wouldn’t – he was like, holding it like this. And I asked him another question and he said what, again. And I was like, all right… you’re a complete a-hole. I mean, can you imagine?

Jenny: I did a show once in a retirement home back in – when I was back in Detroit.

Erin: Stop bragging…

Jenny: I swear to God, no, I am quite the superstar. There was – first of all, I was being heckled by this old woman who was like, you know, half way out there, not making any sense, so it wasn’t even heckling, she was just yelling out weird stuff.

Erin: Where’s my pee?!

Jenny: Exactly. Then like, ten minutes later I look over and she’s asleep on the table, drooling. I’m like, all right. I’m going to make it in this business, yes I am!

Erin: Next stop: Hollywood! Oh God… it’s so depressing…

Jenny: Well, you’re not depressing. You are a fantastic, funny comedian. Make sure you check out her Comedy Central special. She’s also been on Logo, she’s been everywhere. I want to thank my lovely wonderful guest Erin K. Foley.

Erin: Thank you so much Jenny.

Jenny: You were hysterical, as always. ErinKFoley.com, check it out. Make sure you keep in touch with her, because she’s in – and you get Peanut’s blog if you go on ErinKFoley.com. [transcriber’s note: try www.erinkfoley.blogspot.com instead.]

Erin: She’s got to start writing.

Jenny: It’s worth logging on for that right there. So, we hope you walked along with us, I’m bringing you the best in sports and comedic personalities and both all wrapped up in one body today.

Erin: Hike!

Jenny: So, I hope you walked along with us, we hope you enjoyed it, thanks very much. Stay tuned! Catch on another Jenny McNulty presents: Walking Funny With…

[End]

Watch the episode here.

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