TRANSCRIPT: Brunch with Julie Goldman (Brunch With Bridget Episode 32)

Episode Transcribed by: illmatic

Bridget: Good morning. I’m Bridget. I didn’t get much sleep last night because my daughter baby Bridget was making sex all night with Julie Goldman.
Julie: Stop.
Bridget: Why do you make sex so loud?
Julie: We’re busy.
Bridget: Wait that’s disturbing. First of all you’re married. That’s messed up.
Julie: Well we have an agreement that when it comes to… oh God Baby Bridget.
Bridget: Baby Bridget’s really hairy.
Julie: When it comes to stuffed animals and…
Baby Bridget: Oh yeah, who’s a top baby? Yeah baby, right here, right here.
Julie: You are. I was a power bottom last night.
Baby Bridget: Yeah. It’s all good.
Julie: Between the two of you.
Bridget: What? Uh, Julie Goldman is a fabulous actress, comedian, wonderful human being, gives organs to children. Congratulations.
Julie: Thank you, harvesting my eggs.
Bridget: We were going to harvest eggs because apparently you get $8,000 per egg.
Julie: Per egg, you’re right.
Bridget: You might want to consider, except it’s major surgery.
Julie: Yes, because some lesbians told me that one of them did it and ittook her a really long time to recoup and she said she’d never do it again.
Bridget: But $8,000?
Julie: I know but think about it. $8,000 by the time you pay taxes on it and [bleep].
Bridget: You never actually did it. You have all your eggs intact?
Julie: Yeah, I have all my eggs. No, I’m not doing it. It’s not worth it; 8,000 bucks that’s like one month in New York.
Bridget: Oh, God. You live in New York? The smallest place in the world.
Julie: Yeah, but I’m trying to make the move to L.A.
Bridget: Come move here. You can sleep in this bed with Baby Bridget.
Baby Bridget: Yeah, Julie.
Julie: Not much sleeping going on in this bed.
Bridget: No, that’s true. Do you actually sleep with a hat on?
Julie: Um, sometimes if I’m very cold.
Bridget: Apparently, it brings all the heat in.
Julie: But then I don’t really get cold because I’m always hot.
Bridget: Is that because you can’t afford heat in New York because it’s so expensive?
Julie: Yeah. Totally.
Bridget: When I lived in New York, I lived on Avenue A and 12th next to The Cock, which is a gentleman club.
Julie: Oh, The Cock. I, the last time I went to The Cock…
Bridget: Baby Bridget’s one of the founders.
Baby Bridget: Yeah.
Julie: After I watched a guy eff a watermelon… I then…
Bridget: What? I’ve never seen that before.
Julie: Literally, literally… then I went… maybe I was drinking maybe doing other things and I was in the bathroom and then I came out of the bathroom and literally ended… passed out a series of multiple times trying to get out of the club. Like I would walk and then pass out and my friends would try to get me up.
Bridget: The club’s not even that big.
Julie: No, it’s tiny but it was packed.
Bridget: It’s like the size of this bed.
Julie: It was packed and I’m totally claustrophobic and I don’t like anyone touching me and I don’t really like small spaces and groups of people.
Bridget: You don’t?
Julie: So, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
Bridget: You could stop. Keep talking Julie.
Julie: I passed out like fifteen times trying to get out.
Bridget: Oh my God.
Julie: It was so embarrassing. It’s just like all these gay guys and there’s like [unidentifiable sound] I couldn’t get out.
Bridget: When I lived next to The Cock, I had a 7×7 apartment. Can you imagine? You walked in and the bed was lofted and I paid $1,400 a month and I was like yeah I live in Manhattan.
Julie: I don’t live in Manhattan. I live in Brooklyn.
Bridget: So you actually have space probably?
Julie: Yeah, not that much space. No, 750 square feet.
Bridget: That’s pretty rad.
Julie: Which is why I want to move to L.A.
Bridget: You should move to L.A.
Julie: I want the space and the car. The Courvoisier.
Bridget: When you come to L.A., you automatically get a car. Everybody gets a handshake, a key to the city, and a car.
Julie: I know, that’s what I want.
Bridget: So come here.
Julie: I’m going to.
Bridget: You should come now.
Julie: I… I… why are we fighting already? We’ve only been together one night.
Bridget: Baby Bridget and I have decided that you now belong to us.
Julie: What’s that? Wow.
Bridget: Isn’t it interesting that I just have this on hand.
Julie: Wow, why is that just here in the bed?
Bridget: I don’t know. Quiet child.
Julie: I feel like um… uh… oh master I can’t… like from a medieval thing you know.
Bridget: Sure, sure a medieval thing, whatever you want to call it.
Julie: I like castles and medieval things.
[Laughter]
Bridget: So you were on The Big Gay Sketch Show.
Julie: Yes.
Bridget: Going on to Season 3.
Julie: Which is kind of like this.
Bridget: You can buy DVD 1 & 2
Julie: Yes, which I know, which I love. Big Gay Sketch Show.
Bridget: Can I ask why the Liza Minnelli character? Where the hell that came from?
Julie: I never in a million years would have thought that I could do Liza Minnelli but Julie Klausner and um Jackie Clark wrote that sketch and then I don’t know why they thought I could do it because I never went to them and said, "You know what I can do? A killer Liza Minnelli."
Bridget: Can you do a little Liza now?
Julie: They don’t even think I can play women on that show.
Bridget: What? No.
Julie: I mean Season 1…
Bridget: Yeah, that’s true.
Julie: I was every kind of dyke and men.
Bridget: You were the stock dyke.
Julie: I was all dyke. I was like the dyke dyke. The cruise dyke.
Bridget: But we need you.
Julie: The Sappho dyke.
Bridget: You represent so much of the spectrum of lesbians.
Julie: I know.
Bridget: I’m so proud of you that I’m going to release you.
Julie: Thank you.
Bridget: You’re free from the castle.
Julie: Thank you. So then Season 2 they let me play women; which was exciting.
Bridget: Yeah, how’d that feel? Is it hard playing women?
[Laughter]
Julie: It was so liberating, I just felt like this new sense of self came out.
Bridget: You always touch yourself. Feel maternal.

Julie: I am a lady and there’s nothing wrong with appreciating and accepting those qualities. And Liza… I watched that Liza thing on Larry King and I was like oh my God.
Bridget: It’s amazing.
Julie: That’s what I have to do.
Bridget: Yeah. Bravo.
Julie: She’s amazing.
Bridget: Slow clap turns to the loud clap then applause.
Julie: It was so fun. I love The Big Gay Sketch Show, it’s so fun.
Bridget: Yeah, it’s good times. You should watch it; if you don’t or you’re dumb. But you’re also a fabulous standup comedian. I did a show with you at Dinah Shore. The Logo show.
Julie: Yeah, so were you. We had a good time.
Bridget: We had good times. One of my favorite jokes, I don’t know if you still talk about it it’s the dinosaur… it’s the lesbians-
Julie: Oh, Lezilla?
Bridget: Lezilla.
Julie: And getting a bra.
Bridget: Yeah, it’s about how you say butch women have huge breasts and that going to… I won’t even butcher it but going to Victoria’s Secret you’re like some sort of monster freak.
Julie: Yes I’m like Lezilla.
Bridget: See you touched a lot of people’s hearts with that joke. I just want to thank you very, very much.
Julie: Yes, I do still do that joke for sure.
Bridget: Do you love castles?
Julie: I do.
Bridget: Do not be ashamed of who you are.
Julie: No, I’m not. Believe me I love castles and comic books and I love-
Bridget: So if you were in medieval times what would your name be?
Julie: Sir–
Bridget: And before you answer that, here is your sword.
Julie: Oh yes.
Bridget: I also just happen to have that…
Julie: Why do you have this?
Bridget: I was just railing through a bunch of crap next to my bed today. Here, I’ll be-
Julie: I’d be like Sir Francelot.
Bridget: I’ll be a damsel in distress.
Julie: Okay.
Bridget: Because they wear one gold glove, kind of like Michael Jackson.
Julie: They do. They wear one gold glove. And I would say–
Bridget: You could be my knight. Help me. Help me, Julie Goldman.
Julie: No, Sir Francelot. I would be Sir Francelot.
Bridget: I’m stuck in this tower and I can’t get down. It’s such a big sword, Julie Goldman.
Julie: First I would say. First I would be all… the dragon. No I wouldn’t kill the dragon.
Bridget: This is the dragon.
Julie: No, I’d kill all the bad guys.
Baby Bridget/Dragon: Why are you here?
Julie: I’d be French. (In French accent) I am here to save… what’s your name? Princess–
Bridget: Princess Princess.
Julie: Princess… I am here to save…
Bridget: A little redundant.
Julie: To save Princess Princess from the tower.
Bridget: Not until you get past me.
Julie: (fighting noises)
Bridget: Oh no! The dragon.
Julie: Ha ha ha. I have to do this again. Now I’am going to climb up the wall.
Bridget: Careful don’t fall.
Julie: Then I’All climb up or I would fly up because I have a magical spell.
Bridget: You should have a stunt person do it. You shouldn’t do it yourself. Here I’ll be your stunt person.
Julie: But I want to do it.
Bridget: Okay you do it. But we don’t have insurance for you.
Julie: Then I would do it. I would climb up.
Bridget: Hurry up, I’m getting hungry. I’ve been here for quite a while.
Julie: Climb up the thing or I would or just magically go like this-
Bridget: Get your ass up here. I’m tired.
Julie: Princess, (unintelligible) and then you would magically evaporate to the bottom down here and then you would go ch, ch and then you would appear.
Bridget: Forget it I’m dead already. I died. I rotted to death during your monologue. That was ridiculous. You saved nobody and you injured Baby Bridget. She’s very upset. It’s all good times. Can I ask how you started in comedy?
Julie: Yes. Yes, when I was in high school… I saw. No, I was 14 in eighth grade. So when I was in eighth grade I saw a comedian and I wanted to…
Bridget: Can you say which comedian?
Julie: Yeah, Tony V. It was Tony V and Mike Bent. It was in Boston. I was at a Jewish youth group convention. I was just like (gasp) and then I talked to him afterwards and I said, "How do you do that, I want to do that, how do you do that?" Then he’s like, "Well, you got to do stand up and then a show and why don’t you come down to the club and I’ll give you five minutes."
Bridget: That’s awesome.
Julie: And so by the time they got there it was six or nine months later so I was 15. So I started when I was 15.
Bridget: And you were allowed to perform at the age of 15?
Julie: Yeah.
Bridget: Wow, I thought it was 18 or older. All the clubs I did it was 18 or older. I started doing stand up when I was 17 and then I stopped abruptly.
Julie: Why?
Bridget: Because I thought I was terrible and I didn’t do it again for another ten years.
Julie: Oh.
Bridget: I took a standup class when I was 17 and I was like I don’t know what I was talking about. I was talking about like some weird sweater my grandmother gave me. So I was like my grandmother gave me a sweater.
Julie: You were 17. I didn’t know what I was (bleep) talking about. I was talking about…
Bridget: Did you always know you were funny?
Julie: No, I didn’t know that I was funny, I just wanted to do it. I just liked it.
Bridget: Are you a fan of The L Word?
Julie: Sure.
Bridget: Sure. Would you ever be on The L Word?
Julie: I would do anything for money.
Bridget: Okay, interesting. If you could create your own character on The L Word what would your name be?
Julie: Sflane.
Bridget: Sflane. Would you be a boy or a girl?
Julie: Oh, I would be a transgender boy/girl. I would be gender fluid.
Bridget: Who would you have a love interest? Who would your love interest be on the show?
Julie: Bette.
Bridget: Really? Wow. Causing controversy. Would you babysit the kid?
Julie: No, I would ship the kid off.
Bridget: Oh that’s a good storyline.
Julie: To be adopted.
Bridget: So you just come in, sweep Bette off her feet, and then…
Julie: I would be like, "If you’re going to be with me, then you need to get rid of your kid because I’m the only one that’s important."
Bridget: You’re going to be on for two episodes, my friend, and that is it. I don’t think she’s going to get rid of her kid.
Julie: That’s true. I guess to be on The L Word you’d have to be like "I love you and your child. Everything about you is important."
Bridget: You should give her a puppy.
Julie: Every woman is beautiful. And here’s a puppy.
Bridget: And here’s a puppy. Are you dog person, cat person?
Julie: Both.
Bridget: Do you have dogs and cats?
Julie: I do. I had a cat that died two weeks ago.
Bridget: So sorry.
Julie: Yeah I know.
Bridget: What was your cat’s name?
Julie: Levi.
Bridget: How old was he?
Julie: Seventeen.
Bridget: Seventeen? I didn’t know cats lived that long.
Julie: Yeah, he was amazing. So, yeah that was sad but I do also have a dog. I have a pug named Russell.
Bridget: Hi Russell. Does Russell watch your shows?
Julie: Yes, he loves seeing mommy on TV.
Bridget: Hi, Russell. Go to bed.
Julie: I tape them. Yes, he loves that. Go to bed. Mom will be home in a little bit.
Bridget: Hi Russell.
Julie: Momma loves you.
Bridget: So when you started doing standup you probably weren’t able to do it full time at the beginning, right?
Julie: No, no.
Bridget: So what was the worst job you ever had?
Julie: Oh God, I’ve had every job.
Bridget: Really? Anything you can talk about?
Julie: Um, I did everything. I’ve been a nanny, I’ve attempted offices.
Bridget: I hate nanny-ing.
Julie: I didn’t mind at the beginning and then towards the… it’s like every job I’ve ever had I was okay with it at the beginning for like a day and then I would start to be filled with hate. And they would all know it and then I would get fired because they would feel the hatred seeping out of me.
Bridget: I had to file charts…
Julie: I did that too.
Bridget: At a gynecologist’s office and all the girls in my school went to that gynecologist.
Julie: Did you get to see who had STDs and (bleep)?
Bridget: And I checked out everybody’s chart.
Julie: And was there anything good? Were there any perks?
Bridget: There was so much good stuff. Some people came in to get rid of their problems. It was amazing. And then one time I was reading and laughing and they told me I had to leave because I was laughing really loud. They were like "What’s going on back here." And I was like "Oh my God I know her. She lives on my street."
Julie: Marissa (bleep) just had the third abortion.
Bridget: I know I was like mom, guess what? Guess who’s a skank on our street?
Julie: That’s amazing.
Bridget: Apparently that’s like supposed to be confidential whatever. And I was losing too many files and blah blah blah.
Julie: I would do that too. I filed at an office and it got to the point where they would hand me like it was like hundreds of files and I got so annoyed like I’d file one and then just throw the rest away.
Bridget: That’s wrong. I should’ve done that, I would’ve been out of the office sooner.
Julie: I was like file, garbage. I’m done. See you guys in a little bit.
Bridget: I’m going out for lunch.
Julie: Oh God, I just couldn’t deal with it. I hated one time… let me tell you a story.
Bridget: But you’re free now.
Julie: This is a good one. I temped… wait I’m gonna perform for you. I temped at this office and it was like a temp agency at a law office agency so it was really like corporate. Very corporate.
Bridget: As a law office should be.
Julie: Exactly. So the president’s wife came in to help with this big project we had to do. It was all about filing admin stuff. I don’t know what was going on. I was so like, my stomach was crazy and it was just awful. My pants were too tight. I don’t know what it was. And she was sitting right here and she was like so proper and all these girls and girls and I was like yeah okay. And she gave me this thing to file and I was like "no problem I’ll get it." And then literally it was like this… (fart sound).
Bridget: Lovely. Very classy. Good job.
Julie: It was amazing.
Bridget: Well it happens. You’re not the only one.
Julie: Thank you.
Bridget: Gas flows through all of us. Don’t judge Julie.
Julie: It was that loud.
Bridget: It was that loud?
Julie: Yeah I was like (loud fart sound).
Bridget: Did you get a raise?
Julie: Yeah, a raise if you mean fired.
Bridget: Do you get fired by farting?
Julie: No, but I got fired from that job.
Bridget: If you’ve ever gotten fired from farting please write in to Afterellen.com and tell us your story.
Julie: Yeah please.
Bridget: And you’ll win Julie’s fart in a jar. Julie’s going to fart in a jar and we’re going to keep it and send it to you and we’re going to sign the jar.
Julie: Yes, seriously.
Bridget: It’s going to be awesome.
Julie: I’ve got so many jobs.
Bridget: I’ve had a zillion jobs and so many of them have sucked.
Julie: They all suck because we’re not supposed to be doing that.
Bridget: So all like the young people at home. All the people that should be out and about that are still closeted can you tell them your out story? Like when you finally came out.
Julie: To my parents?
Bridget: Well, what do you count… See this is the thing. I came out when I was 14 to my sister but I didn’t tell my parents until I was like 19. So when I say when I came out, it’s like when I told my parents. That’s like the last person. How old were you? What would you consider being out?
Julie: I was like 19 when I came out because that’s when I realized that I was gay. So between 18 and 19 that’s when I was with my first girl and we became girlfriends.
Bridget: How’d you realize that you were gay? Was it like one thing you were like wait a minute…?
Julie: When I had sex with a girl.
Bridget: Really? I heard that might give you a hint.
Julie: That was it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that’s when I knew because it was like I had had sex with a boy.
Bridget: I’m sorry. Are you okay?
Julie: And um [fake sobbing].
Bridget: It happens to some people. Let it go.
Julie: You know what, everything we do makes us ourselves. I — and then I was with her and I was like oh well, that’s different.
[Laughing]
Bridget: Were you freaked out in telling people? Were your friends and family really supportive?
Julie: I was freaked out but they all knew. Everybody knew.
Bridget: So they weren’t surprised?
Julie: Everybody knew since I was…
Bridget: I didn’t know you were gay when I first met you. I had no idea.
Julie: Really? That’s interesting. When I was like when I look at the pictures of myself as a kid now it’s like oh my God who is this like the little tomboy with the soccer shirt like this?
Bridget: Were you good at sports?
Julie: Like at 10. Yes I was like soccer obsessed.
Bridget: Were you a softball girl?
Julie: No. Soccer.
Bridget: No, okay good. I love softball players, don’t get mad.
Bridget: I was a volleyball, cheerleader, tennis girl.
Julie: That’s very like classy.
Bridget: Is it classy?
Julie: I was like a dirty, rough…
Bridget: I don’t know, I was like looking up the cheerleader girls skirts when I was cheering. I don’t know how classy I was.
Julie: Good for you. But those sports are like classy sports. They’re like with nice outfits and costumes.
Bridget: We definitely had costumes. I’m so gay just for having costumes in sports. I’m like a gay man instead.
Julie: But soccer is dirty and when I was like running they called me The Growler.
Bridget: Why would they call you The Growler?
Julie: Because I was stupid. I would scare the (bleep) out of everybody.
Bridget: You were just kicking balls like aargh. Did you ever hurt anybody?
Julie: I don’t know if I hurt anybody.
Bridget: Did you ever hurt yourself?
Julie: Yeah I did hurt myself. I got bad knees now.
Bridget: Are you sure it’s from soccer? I always pop my ankle out of socket. It’s an old volleyball injury and I’m double jointed. You doing okay? It’s all good. So you weren’t scared coming out? There wasn’t anybody that you were like (sigh) I’m gay?
Julie: Yeah, my friend Kelly I was afraid to tell. My parents I was afraid to tell. I was afraid to tell everybody but everybody seemed to know because when I told Kelly she was like "Oh finally. Congratulations. We all knew." But then when I told my mom, she — you know — my parents were upset.
Bridget: They were.
Julie: Oh yeah. My dad felt guilty. He thought it was his fault.
Bridget: Why do parents feel like they’re guilty?
Julie: He felt he turned me against men and I just want to say "It wasn’t totally your fault."
Bridget: Ah, my mom always says that because my sister’s gay too. My mom’s always like "What did I do? Did I do something wrong?" I always tease her like "Yes, mom you did." Because we’re all just big gay people and we love it.
Julie: That’s hilarious. Wow, you’re sister’s gay too? And were you always gay, like was she gay early on? Or did you know?
Bridget: I knew or at least I voiced it at a younger age. I was 14 and I was like "Audrey, I’m gay." And she was like "Okay." She was like fine with it and then someone told me that I should be ashamed and I was like "Oh." So then I didn’t officially be like I’m gay to anybody else until like 5 years later. But my sister came out in college so it was like the same time. But my family, everybody always blames themselves.
Julie: They do.
Bridget: I think being gay is awesome.
Julie: No, well now, in the last ten years, after finally you know how you sort of come full circle with it all. I’m like oh my God I would never… if there was a cure I would never take it.
Bridget: Why would you want be cured? Women are so hot.
Julie: So hot.
Bridget: That’s why there’s no boys allowed in this bedroom. That’s why the signs here.
Julie: I would never; if there was a pill or whatever no thanks. Everyone should be gay.
Bridget: She’s happy the way she is. I have some questions for you Ms. Julie Goldman.
Julie: Yes.
Bridget: That you must answer. It’s a fill in the blank question.
Julie: Oh like Mad Libs?
Bridget: It’s like Mad Libs exactly.
Julie: I love Mad Libs.
Bridget: And I think you should take me seriously. I’m going to put my mustache on so you take me seriously.
Julie: You have a lot of odd toys lying around your porn set.
Bridget: This is stuff I just have. I wish I could say that I bought this for the show but I didn’t.
Julie: Is that from your last shoot? Pirates of… I can’t say it.
Bridget: Lesbian pirates.
Julie: Lesbian pirates.
Bridget: There is a show called Lesbian Pirates that I just found out about.
Julie: Where?
Bridget: I don’t know. I heard about it. I was at a friend’s house and she was talking about lesbian pirates and I was like "what a great idea."
Julie: A real show? I want to be on that show.
Bridget: I do, too. I think they should cast us. You have your own sword but you’re not good at swimming.
Julie: No.
Bridget: You have to surf to be part of the cast.
Julie: Oh no, I can’t.
Bridget: Yeah, you have to surf.
Julie: I don’t — maybe I could surf.
Bridget: Maybe you could try it out.
Julie: For money I would do it.
Bridget: You’d do anything for money except harvest your eggs.
Julie: But I won’t wear bare feet.
Bridget: You won’t wear bare feet?
Julie: I mean, I will have to be — I mean I want to wear water shoes.
Bridget: Why do you need water shoes?
Julie: Because I don’t want my feet touching the sand.
Bridget: Okay lesbian pirate who’s a germaphobe. Whatever.
Julie: I don’t want fish touching my feet and all that weird sand on my feet.
Bridget: I am pro fish. Okay the first question. Fill in the blank.
Julie: Clearly.
Bridget: Excuse me? When no one else is around, I like to ________.
Julie: Cry.
Bridget: Oh, Julie.
[Laughter]
Julie: I like to-
Bridget: Cry is perfect. I’ll never forget my first girl kiss. It was —
Julie: Scary.
Bridget: Ah. This is depressing. This is therapy. I always feel like a rock star when I —
Julie: Um, I always feel like a rock star when I…
Bridget: Cry.
Julie: There’s so many different roads to go down with that. When I’m onstage. When I’m onstage.
Bridget: You feel like a rock star?
Julie: Yeah.
Bridget: You are a rock star.
Julie: I feel like that’s yes. I could have also, yes.
Bridget: It’s been me the whole time.
Julie: Oh I didn’t know.
Bridget: I know this is why you had trouble answering the questions because you thought it was somebody else.
Julie: No it’s funny to be put on the spot with these questions.
Bridget: Oh is it funny?
Julie: I’m the one who usually gets to ask the questions.
Bridget: Oh really, that’s weird? Okay, the world would be a better place if _______?
Julie: Everyone was gay.
Bridget: Duh. That’s all I wanted you to say.
Julie: If women ruled the world.
Bridget: I think women really do rule the world because if we decided to stop making them-
Julie: They don’t rule the world.
Bridget: Well if we stop making babies then what do they do? Men can’t do it.
Julie: That’s true but then-
Bridget: I learned that in anatomy class.
Julie: That’s true but women don’t seem to have any power.
Bridget: Why?
Julie: I don’t know.
Bridget: How do we get power? I feel so submissive.
Julie: We have to take back the night. We have to give all the women guns.
Bridget: I don’t agree with this at all. Give women guns and what, they just go out and kill all the guys?
Julie: They don’t have to kill all the guys.
Bridget: Keep some to open jars. The gay men.
Julie: Open jars.
Bridget: They can decorate for us.
Julie: I don’t know like, but I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like —
Bridget: Just give them guns. We do not need any other plan. Just guns so we can loot. Alright, if I was stranded on a deserted island, I couldn’t live without _________?
Julie: A razor.
Bridget: That’s exactly what I put in there because this mustache was actually my mustache from this morning that I just tried to put back on. I’m Sicilian; I have problems. The one thing that’s always in my refrigerator is ________.
Julie: Orange juice.
Bridget: Really? Have you always been an orange juice drinker?
Julie: I love orange juice. Love it.
Bridget: I hate orange juice.
Julie: And I drink it out of the thing. I don’t even like to put it in a cup.
Bridget: You shouldn’t have to. You’re wasting water and it’s good for the environment.
Julie: Exactly. I love drinking things out of bottles and whatever they come in. I don’t like cups.
Bridget: Really?
Julie: Uh huh.
Bridget: I like sitting on the kitchen counter and eating my meals.
Julie: Yes, I like that too.
Bridget: But I can use a cup. I’m pro cup.
Julie: I’m not anti-cup.
Bridget: You’re not anti-cup?
Julie: I mean but-
Bridget: But like on an airplane if they’re like can I give you the cup and the can you go just the can.
Julie: I want the can or the bottle.
Bridget: Okay.
Julie: Or the bottle. And if it’s in the fridge I’ll drink the OJ right out of the thing. Or the 2 liter.
Bridget: Is that rude to anybody else in the house?
Julie: Well, that’s probably not the best if you’re at someone else’s house like I went into your fridge and I was like mmm. But I do so love it. And I like to drink water out of bottles.
Bridget: Bottles.
Julie: I get a lot of bottled water because I won’t drink water if it’s in a cup. It’s so stupid.
Bridget: I tried to do the straw thing but then I always end up missing my mouth. Coordination. I should be better with my mouth by now.
Julie: That’s weird.
Bridget: If I was an animal, I’d be a __________.
Julie: If I was an animal, um, that’s a good question. I want to say dog but then I think at the same time like-
Bridget: Too submissive?
Julie: Yeah. You know what I mean.
Bridget: Too powerless?
Julie: Too powerless.
Bridget: That’s not you at all.
Julie: Then I feel-
Bridget: You take back the night Julie. You are not a dog.
Julie: But then I think I’m trying to think of the right animal. Like a gorilla.
Bridget: Yeah, I was thinking gorilla. Why would you think gorilla?
Julie: Because they’re…
Bridget: Yeah, they are, you’re right.
Julie: But then they’re also sweet. They’re like human kind of but they’re not. You know what I mean? They’re big and furry.
Bridget: Like Gorillas in the Mist with Sigourney Weaver.

Julie: Oh, yes.
Bridget: They were in the mist. Would you live in the mist?
Julie: If it was a hotel in the mist I would live there. I would live in a hotel in the mist.
Bridget: You’re like some kind of diva gorilla?
Julie: Yes.
Bridget: Oh, okay.
Julie: I love cable and AC.
Bridget: Could you imagine if you checked into the Hyatt or Four Seasons and there was a gorilla like next to you with bags. My room is not big enough.
Julie: I don’t know why they’re afraid of me.
Bridget: I need more toilet paper in Suite 202.
Julie: Housekeeping. I don’t like camping and all that (bleep).
Bridget: You don’t like camping?
Julie: No!
Bridget: You’re not really a lesbian.
Julie: I don’t want to (bleep) in a hole in the dirt.
Bridget: You don’t like (bleep) holes?
Julie: I want to go in my toilet and have a shower.
Bridget: Alright we won’t go camping if you don’t want to go camping.
Julie: Don’t make me go camping.
Bridget: I just… I don’t feel really safe when I camp. I feel dirty.
Julie: It’s dirty because it’s dirty.
Bridget: Yeah it’s outside.
Julie: You’re in dirt.
Bridget: It’s kind of like running — you should get a car. If you’re camping, then you’re homeless kind of thing. Don’t you think?
Julie: Exactly. Right. You know I can go for a hike and enjoy the nature but then I want to go back to the hotel and take a shower.
Bridget: Okay we will never camp, Julie, calm down.
Julie: In the AC.
Bridget: I’ll give you lots of bottled things, lot of bottled liquids and we’ll never camp.
Julie: I really do sound like a lot of fun.
Bridget: No you’re a good time.
Bridget: This is my last question then I’ll leave you alone.
Julie: I like these questions.
Bridget: Oh good. The most important thing all lesbians must do is ________.
Julie: Cut their nails.
Bridget: Cut their nails. There you go. Take her advice.
Julie: I mean I don’t know what else to say really about that.
Bridget: You don’t have to say anything. Mine are short.
Julie: I want to say cut nails. How about just the general word trim and I’ll use that for all parts of the bod.
Bridget: Trim. File.
Julie: Nails, mullet, and this you know what I mean?
Bridget: No what do you mean?
Julie: You know what I mean. You know natural… au naturale. Do what you will but…
Bridget: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Julie: Trim.
Bridget: Do you know what she’s talking about?
Julie: That’s all I’m saying.
Bridget: Do you want to pimp any shows?
Julie: You’re going to get a letter. People are going to be so pissed.
Bridget: One letter?
Julie: "I am not… don’t oppress me with your trim trimming of your hair."
Bridget: So do you want to pimp shows or not?
Julie: Sorry, yes.
Bridget: So what shows do you have coming up?
Julie: Um, let’s see…
Bridget: You have something in December don’t you?
Julie: Right. December 5th and 6th at The Zipper Factory I am doing a show called Julie Goldman’s Offensive Women.
Bridget: I’ve already heard there’s a show entitled that. I don’t think you should steal someone else’s bit.
Julie: Yes there is.
Bridget: (unintelligible) Rebecca Drysdale.
Julie: What?
Bridget: Rebecca’s doing your act. Julie Goldman.
Julie: No she’s not.
Bridget: No she’s not.
Julie: That would be funny if she was. I’m doing this thing called Offensive Women and I’m just trying to do a monthly show and get a big thing.
Bridget: Offensive women but you’re not offensive.
Julie: But we are because why? Because we’re alive.
Bridget: Yes.
Julie: You know what I’m saying? You feel me with that?
Bridget: Yes. If you’re not angry that means you’re not paying attention.
Julie: That’s right. Just look at women in comedy there’s never more than one on a show. There’s always this weird segregatory bull (bleep). You know so I want to do this show and put all different levels of comics and monthly and do this online thing and just get a whole network of female comedians together.
Bridget: Are you ready for a pillow fight?
Julie: Oh yeah.
Bridget: So you want to wrestle fight… oh… alright we’re ready.
Julie: I’am ready.
Bridget: So the rule is the winner is the one that knocks the other person off the bed. You think that just because you played soccer… are you stretching?
Julie: Oh yeah.
Bridget: I’am gonna use the little girl fluffy pillow because I don’t need a big pillow. It’s not about size, it’s what you do with it, Julie.
Julie: Alright.
Bridget: Tell me when you’re ready.
Julie: I’am ready.
Bridget: On your mark…
Julie: Yep.
Bridget: Get set…
Julie: Yep.
Bridget: Begin!
(Pillow fight ensues)
Bridget: Oh my God! Stay close to the ground.
Julie: (fighting noises)
Bridget: My shirt’s off. (gasp). Oh my God!
Julie: (grunting)
Bridget: Will you… what’s all the noise?
Julie: That’s it.
Bridget: Let me adjust my wear. Look, my bras out. That’s the heaviest pillow.
Julie: (grunting)
Bridget: I think I just had sex with you with my foot.
(Laughing)
Bridget: Oh my God! Alright, Julie won and raped me at the same time. Thanks for watching. I love Julie Goldman; so should you.
[end]

Watch the episode here.

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