Previously on Torchwood, Three Families — The A-b-l-e-m-a-r-c-h-e-s, the C-o-s-t-e-r-d-a-n-e-s, and the F-r-i-n-e-s — flipped the switch on death for everyone except Captain Jack and Captain Jack’s long lost boyfriend/repeated murderer Angelo Colesanto. Too bad Jack accidentally killed ol’ Angelo when he took him off of life support. Also too bad: Jack got himself shot in the gut. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for the good Captain, is what I am saying.
TWO MONTHS LATER
Robin Hood: [Smashes her car into the chemist, nearly killing an elderly man and his fluffy little dog.]
Elderly Man and His Fluffy Little Dog: Could it be? Is it she?
Robin Hood: Yes, old man! It is I! Robbing pharmaceuticals from the rich to give to the poor! Here, have some! And take some to your friends! Pharmaceuticals for everyone!
Elderly Man and His Fluffy Little Dog: Thank you.
Robin Hood: You’re welcome. Now take your drugs and get out of here before I shoot you in your grandpa-looking face. Once I get going with a handgun, I find it hard to stop.
Robin Hood: [Is actually Gwen Cooper.]
CARDIFF HOME FOR WAYWARD COOPERS
Gwen: It’s so cute how that Three Families surveillance guy across the street thinks we eat like sixty takeaway pizzas a day.
Rhys: More drugs. Brilliant. Obviously I have arranged a delivery service for all the people we know who need medicinal supplies.
Gwen: And obviously I want to charge them money for it.
Rhys: Sometimes I’m not sure you know how lucky you are to be married to the nicest guy on earth.
THE DIARY OF ANN COOPER
Mama Cooper: Even though I never knew how to explain it to the ladies at church, I’m glad you grew up into a ninja vigilante.
Gwen Cooper: Yeah. It’s easier when it’s not your own dad who’s dying on a cot in a dank cellar, though. It makes me really sad. Anyway, I’ve got to go polish my grenades.
SCOTLAND, ORIGINAL HOME OF THE BARROWBUM
Captain Jack: Thanks for healing my gunshot wound and nursing me back to health. If it didn’t mean instant death for you, I’d probably sleep with you, due to our chemistry.
Esther: That seems like something I’d be up for, except I’ve seen the first three seasons of this show and everyone you sleep with dies a horrific death. Now, hold still. I’ve only got to draw two more quarts of your blood to have enough to fill up an elephant-sized body.
Captain Jack: My blood’s not special, you know.
Esther: The last episode of this series is called “The Blood Line,” so I’m guessing you’re wrong.
WALES, HOME OF THE RHYSBUM
Gwen: Torchwood’s mighty software couldn’t find anything about the Three Families, and neither can the CIA, so I figured maybe Google could help me crack the case wide open.
Rhys: Another idea is that we could make out.
Gwen: OK, but let’s not get too happy, or one of us will end up dead for sure.
Rex: Charlotte Wills, remember when you used to have a girlfriend?
Charlotte Wills: Yeah, she broke up with me because I haven’t left this building in three months because of having to monitor your every move.
Rex: Hi, chief. Let’s talk ambiguously about the catastrophic economic ramifications of The Miracle.
Agent Shapiro: They are ambiguously catastrophic, it’s true, especially in terms of insurance and oil.
Rex: If anyone is interested in being ridiculed/seeing me show off, I will now be making a presentation about The Miracle. Yes, the Ablemarches, the Costderdanes, and the Frines disappeared and took all the actual facts with them, but I think I’ve found a pulp fiction roman à clef written about the night Jack Harkness was repeatedly mauled to death in that butcher shop, which, mixed with some of the author’s brother’s crusty murder blood, will lead us to the Three Families by dinner time!
Charlotte: I’ll handle the DNA profile just in case that wasn’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.