“Torchwood Miracle Day” Recap: The Earth’s Vagina Giveth, and the Earth’s Vagina Taketh Away

 
 

Gwen: Right, there are only sixteen minutes left of this whole mini-series. Does anyone want to finally explain what the hell the Miracle actually is?

Captain Jack: Um, wibbly … wobbly …. timey … wimey … 

Gwen: You’ve got no idea, have you? 

Captain Jack: Not even a little bit. 

 

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: Amateurs. It’s like this: The earth’s vagina has the whole world wrapped up in a hug, and we poisoned it. But this is only phase one. First comes the poisoned vagina hug of eternal life, then comes the collapse of the economy, then comes The Three Families stepping in and going Brave New World all over everyone. 

Jilly Kitzinger: [Air punch]

 

Captain Jack: No one poisons the earth’s hug on my watch! No one! I’m going to throw myself into the Miracle and make the hug right again! 

Mr. and Mrs. Miracle-Maker, in a nifty bit of editing that actually sells it: You’d have to throw yourself into the Miracle at both ends of the world for your plan to work. And even the Mighty Jack Harkness isn’t capable of being in two places at once. 

Rex: Wrong! Captain Jack Harkness is inside me! 

Crickets: [Chirp, chirp, chirp]

Rex: Good grief, does it always have to be a gay thing with you people?

Us people: [Nod] 

Rex: What I mean is, I transfused Jack’s blood into my body. It was Esther’s idea. I … I … I love her. 

Esther: Nooooooo!

Mr. Miracle-Maker: [Shoots Esther right in the heart]

 

INFINITY AND BEYOND 

Owen Harper: Hahaha! I knew it! Everybody pay up! 

Toshiko Sato: Sit down, you twat! It’s not over yet! 

Owen Harper: Dibs on Esther, by the way! 

Ianto Jones: There’s still ten minutes left! Eat a piece of cake and shut up. 

VAGINA STATIONS UNITE

Mr. Miracle-Maker: Now what, assholes? You jump in the vagina and reverse the Miracle and Esther dies. Or you come work with us and she can live forever. 

Rex: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! 

Captain Jack: ME EITHER! 

Gwen: I do. I woke up this morning with an itch to pull a trigger and by God, I’m going to do it. Turn around, Jack. 

Mr. Miracle-Maker: You’re going to kill your entire Torchwood team, you raving wackadoodle! 

Gwen: Yep. It’s a Tuesday, isn’t it? 

 

Mrs. and Mrs. Miracle-Maker: [Stand idly by stomping their feet and whining while Jack and Rex destroy the Miracle.]

Gwen: Death coming back to the world? Yeah, I did that. 

Gwen and Jilly Kitzinger: [Finally get into a fisticuffs, which Gwen pauses to rescue to the re-eternal Captain Jack Harkness.]

Rex: [Tosses Mr. Miracle-Maker into the vagina of doom carries Esther to safety]

Oswald Danes: I’M A PEDOPHILE! DON’T YOU FORGET IT! I AM A PEDOPHILE! A PEDOPHILE WITH A BOMB! 

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