“Torchwood Miracle Day” Recap: The Earth’s Vagina Giveth, and the Earth’s Vagina Taketh Away

 
 

CIA HQ

Agent Shapiro: We were betrayed! We knew we had a mole in this department and they betrayed us! This is shocking! Listen up, we’re going to run that trace right now and to out which one of you is a double agent! You hear me?! I am giving you advance warning that we are going to find you!

Charlotte Wills: I’m just going to pop out to the ladies room. 

Agent Shapiro: Hurry back. I don’t want you to miss the unveiling of the mole. 

Charlotte Wills: Of course not, sir. Here, will you hold my bomb? 

Agent Shapiro: Sure thing.

VAGINA STATION SOUTH

Rex: [Breaks some necks]

Esther: [Doesn't wince too badly]

 

VAGINA STATION NORTH

Jack: [Breaks some necks]

Gwen: Whooo! That’s what I’m talking about! 

 

WELSH CONCENTRATION CAMP

Rhys: I just wanted to drop by before they light you on fire to tell you Gwen loves you, and so do I, and Anwen, and your wife. I know you’ve had your doubts about me, but I think it’s now safe to say that I am the greatest husband in the universe.

Nurse: Oi, what are you lot doing in here?! These people are GOING TO THE FURNACE in ten minutes! Even that teenage whore over there that nobody ever even came to check on! 

PC Andy: Your bedside manner is a real treat. 

VAGINA STATIONS UNITE!

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: Oh, goody! The Creator is here! 

Jilly Kitzinger: [literally, hilariously goes] That soldier! 

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: Captain Jack Harkness, at last! It’s fitting that you’re here; this day is all about you, after all.

Oswald Danes: Incorrect, madam! This day, like all days, is about Rex Mattheson. But he’s not here right now, so I’m going to make it about me and my new EXPLOSIVE VEST! 

Jilly Kitzinger: Of course. 

Captain Jack: Torchwood, bitches. 

 

Mr. Miracle-Maker: Did someone say Torchwood? Why, I’ve got two Torchwood operatives right here, at the other end of the barrel of my gun. 

Gwen: What the actual f–k? Is that voice coming from inside the earth’s vagina? I’ve seen some weird shit on this beat, but dude.

Mr. Miracle-Maker: No, it’s just Vagina Station South on international walkie-talkie speaker phone. 

Esther: Hey, Gwen!

Gwen: Hey, Esther! 

Captain Jack: Everybody calm down. Clearly the earth wants me to throw myself into its vagina, and I might just do it if anyone starts shooting. 

Gwen: What is this thing? My body language and ragged breathing indicate that I am more turned on than I ever have been.

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: It is said the Miracle reflects your own self back at you. 

Gwen: Well, that explains it. 

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: What do you see, Jack?

Captain Jack: Every man I’ve ever dated in all my lives … Not bad! 

Jilly Kitzinger: You fools! You strapped your bomb to the most repugnant person on earth and gave him a mirror into his soul!

Oswald Danes: Oh, God. It feels like sin! Like sin! Like … OK, I’m good. 

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