“Torchwood Miracle Day” Recap: The Earth’s Vagina Giveth, and the Earth’s Vagina Taketh Away



Tiny Chinese lady: [Speaks Chinese]

Gwen: [Speaks English]

Tiny Chinese Lady: [Speaks Chinese]

Gwen: [Speaks English slowly]

Tiny Chinese lady: [Speaks Chinese]

Gwen: [Yells English while gesticulating wildly with her arms]

Tiny Chinese lady: I thought only Americans did that. Give me ten grand in Monopoly money and I’ll open up the ghost vault. 


Ghost vault: Gweeeeeendolyn Coooooper, you slept with Owwwweeeen Haaaarperr whiiiilllle engaaaged to Rhyyys Willliams. You neeeaaarrrrly ruuuuinnned yoooour owwwwn wediiiiing becauuuuse you cooouldn’t stop throooowing youuuuurrrself at Jack. 

Gwen: Jack, I found it. 



Esther: I think I found it, too. According to Google Earth, there’s only one street without a name on this red beachball line. 

Agent Shapiro: Awesome! The Argentinean army will be there in just a second and you can move in.

Charlotte Wills: [Texts the Argentinean army the triangle death code]


Captain Jack: We’re going in. Leave behind anything you don’t need. 

Oswald Danes: I’m not going anywhere without my “I AM A CHILD MURDERER” sandwich board!

Captain Jack: You really are the absolute worst. 

Oswald Danes: Hey, before I risk my life with you, I think you ought to tell me who you really are. I’ve seen the way people look at you. It’s all lust, lust, lust, and sometimes awe. 

Captain Jack: [Sigh] I’m a time traveling wizard from the future who lucked into a gorgeous body and a really sexy coat. I’ve been a lot of places and I’ve seen a lot of things, and it’s like a said ten seconds ago: You are the grossest. 



Gwen: Hi, Rhys, it’s me. I’m still alive. I just wanted to call and — hang on, I’m sensing an upswing in adorableness on the other end of the phone. Is PC Andy there? 

Rhys: Yep, he’s come to take me to see your dad before they burn him alive. 

Gwen: That’s nice. I should really invite him to join Torchwood, but the cute ones always meet a brutal, bitter end. 

Rhys: Listen, I’ve been thinking, about your dad and death in general and what it means to move into the Great Beyond.

Gwen: I’ve got to go. Apparently, I’ve bought a $10,000 cup of tea. 


Esther: Hello, perfect stranger. Would you mind hanging on to the only weapon we have in the fight against the Miracle while I canoodle my buddy Rex?

Perfect Stranger: No problem. In fact, I’ll also be happy to BLOW IT TO SMITHEREENS! 

Rex: Ah, well.

Esther: We could just walk to Vagina Station South. 

Rex: You are some kind of wonderful. 

Esther: Stop! Gwen told me about this! As soon as you love me, I’ll die! 

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