“Torchwood Miracle Day” Recap: The Earth’s Vagina Giveth, and the Earth’s Vagina Taketh Away

 
 

Previously on Torchwood, the earth’s vagina reversed its polarity, granting eternal life to everyone except for Captain Jack and his ex-boyfriend. The Coopers found themselves in The Diary of Anne Frank, wherein Rhys played Anne and Gwen played the mythical krav maga warrior. Esther cultivated her new kung-fu personality with aplomb. And Rex stopped screaming long enough for me to actually care what happens to him.

INFINITY AND BEYOND

Dr. Vera Juarez: What’s all this? Cake? Balloons? A snow cone machine? 

Owen Harper: It’s finale time! We’re getting a new housemate tonight! I’ve got ten quid on Esther. Ianto and Tosh have ten on Rex. 

Dr. Vera Juarez: Oh, I want in. I’ll take ten on Gwen. 

Owen Harper: Bwahaha! You can go ahead and give us your money. 

 

SHANGHAI HOSTEL OF REGRETS AND RECRIMINATIONS 

Gwen: My dad was the nicest man ever. Even nicer than common Welsh niceness, which is the nicest niceness on earth. Today I’m going to kill him. Not with rocket launchers or dynamite, the way I usually kill people. Not even with my bare hands, which is another favorite of mine. No, today I am going to kill my father by shutting down the Miracle. Probably I’m also going to blow up some peripheral shit, because that’s just who I am, as a person. 

INTERGALACTIC SKYPE

Gwen: We’ve got droplets of Jack’s blood heading north toward the entrance of the earth’s Shanghai vagina. 

Esther: And we’ve got droplets of Jack’s blood running south toward the entrance of the earth’s Buenos Aires vagina. 

Gwen: And you’ve also got a suitcase full of Jack’s blood, yeah? 

Esther: Er, something like that. 

 

VAGINA STATION NORTH

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: Our sources tell us Torchwood is in the area, so we’re going to go ahead and blow up the entrance to the Miracle. Once we bury it, it’ll be permanent!

Jilly Kitzinger: I’ll be sad to see it go. I’m a big fan of perpetually being reminded how very correct I am. Besides just the regular mirror, I mean. 

INTERGALACTIC SKYPE

Gwen: Right, I’ve got my superhero kit packed up, and I’m just going to hike off into the dark alone and see what kind of mayhem I can unleash. 

Rex: Take care of yourself, lady. 

Captain Jack: You guys take care too. 

Esther: We’ll have dinner at my place after this is over. 

Gwen: Sounds lovely. I’ll bake strawberry rhubarb pie. 

Oswald Danes: As a pedophile, I am disgusted by this outpouring of reciprocal admiration and affection. 

Gwen: Don’t worry, you won’t be fussed about it much longer. I woke up with a the warm, fuzzy feeling I always get on days when I get to shoot people in the face. 

 

CIA HQ

Agent Shapiro: Hey, yo! This room is now under the control of Rex Mattheson who is in South America stopping the Miracle. 

Charlotte Wills: Crap. 

 

VAGINA STATION NORTH

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: Have you had enough exposition? 

Jilly Kitzinger: Heavens, no! 

Mrs. Miracle-Maker: OK, good. You’re probably wondering why it took us so long to make the Miracle. The thing is, we had to wait for Google to catch up with the Three Families. Once it did, we saw that Shanghai and Buenos Aires have always had the exact age expectancy of the average age expectancy of the whole entire world. So we thought to ourselves, why not just dig down a couple thousand miles in both of those cities to see what happens. And — BOOM! — VaginaVille. 

CIA HQ

Rex: OK, I need you to do whatever Esther says. 

Agent Shapiro: Esther Drummond? After she saves the world, she’s fired! 

Esther: Here’s a photo of a red line drawn in permanent marker on an inflatable globe. Gwen Cooper’s husband did it. We need to see what kind of stuff is in the way of that line. 

Charlotte Wills: Nope, can’t be done. 

Rex: As usual, I see no reason to doubt what Charlotte Wills is telling us. 

New Girl: Er, I do. It can be done, actually. I’ll do it. 

Charlotte Wills: Nice job, Dead Meat.

Agent Shapiro: If I can have everyone’s attention, please. All eyes on me. We know there’s a mole in this department, but we won’t be tracking that mole at this time. Feel free to mole away, is what I am saying. 

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