Previously on Torchwood, Gwen Cooper morphed into the most kickass mama bear in the known universe, Rex got a lot easier to take (or it is really behooving me to drink while recapping), Esther continued to prove her worth, and Captain Jack may have accidentally caused that pesky Miracle.
ORIGINAL SIDEKICK RANCH, NEVADA
Esther: I’ll just stay outside and keep watch, if that’s OK with you guys. I’ve gotta polish my new sniper rifle and do some adorable scowling.
Olivia Colasanto: Hey Jack, remember that night in New York City when you were bludgeoned to death repeatedly in that meat locker? It really inspired my grandfather to get immortal.
Captain Jack: Actually, it probably had more to do with what happened in our bedroom before he lost his shit and started hacking me to pieces, but go ahead.
Olivia Colasanto: Well, he waited all his life to get immortal, but when immortality finally arrived, it was too late [beat] because he is a comatose dinosaur.
Gwen: According to this fireplace mantel, Angelo stalked you for eight decades — even through the Ron Swanson facial hair years, apparently — and framed the photos. His wife must have loved that.
Olivia Colasanto: My grandfather loved my grandmother very much.
Gwen: Clearly. Anyway, enough chit-chat. My thirst for revenge triples when my blood sugar drops, and I haven’t eaten in days. Let’s talk about how I’m going to break your neck for holding a gun to my daughter’s head.
Olivia Colasanto: I only did it to get Jack here because it was my grandfather’s last wish to protect him.
Captain Jack: So you’re going to protect me?
Olivia Colasanto: That would make sense, given the plot of the last episode and also what I said two seconds ago. But no. By the way, Angelo was never allowed to work alongside The Three Families, Jack, because you afflicted him with The Gay.
Gwen: Who are the Three Families?
Olivia Colasanto: The Ablemarches, the Costerdanes, and the Frines. Someone peddled them Jack’s blood like a Philosopher’s Stone. That’s the Ablemarches, the Costerdanes, and the Frines. Would anyone like me to repeat that even more slowly and also spell the names?
Rex: I would.
Esther: More un-Google-ables, which is basically how I get into this mess in the first place. So big surprise.