Previously on Torchwood, Gwen and Rex checked themselves into Zombie Camp for different reasons, Oswald Danes achieved full Messianic privileges, and Dr. Vera Juarez disappeared into the ether. Literally.
PHICORP EXECUTIVE FLOOR
Mr. Stuart Owens: Janet, will you please use the card catalog to determine the Dewey Decimals of the paper files containing information on The Shanghai Deal, and bring them to me with my slippers and pipe? Also, if you’d stop wearing your “I’m Boning Stuart” sandwich board and ringing a bell as you walk up and down the halls, that’d be good. Oh, and get Shanghai on the phone, will you?
GREEN SCREEN SHANGHAI
Shanghai: Hello, this is Eric Steinberg, known most recently for playing Colonel Fields, Emily’s super gay-friendly dad on Pretty Little Liars. How can I help you?
Mr. Stuart Owens: I need a top secret favor. A couple of years ago PhiCorp bought a crap load of land in the middle of Shanghai to build a mall, but Google Earth doesn’t show a mall there, so can you go see if it’s full of zombies or something?
Colonel Fields: You betcha. Give me a ring-a-ding-ding in a couple of hours.
Mr. Stuart Owens: So, what’d you see in that mall?
Colonel Fields: Nothing. And by “nothing” I mean “something so horrific I’m just going to throw myself off the top of a building.”
Mr. Stuart Owens: Huh. Weird. JANET, MY SLIPPERS!
SAN PEEEEEDRO, UR SAYIN’ IT RIGHT
Rex: Ooh, boy, when this video hits YouTube, you government guys are going to feel like kicking yourselves in the balls. Because listen to this: I know what you’re doing in these “overflow camps”; you’re burning people alive. I was already feeling pissy because of literally having my heart punctured a couple of days ago, and then you went and incinerated my girlfriend right in front of my face? You’re about to get the full Torchwood treatment, assholes. Yeah, you heard me: I’m Rex Mattheson, and I work for Torchwood.
INFINITY AND BEYOND
Owen Harper: Oi, Ianto, you’d better get another bedroom ready.
PSYCHOS R US
Esther: Hey Donna, do you think Mr. Sleazasky is looking sleazier and bloodier than usual?
Donna: That is not a thing I get paid to notice.
Beetle Bailey: I am five seconds from having a full-on Tell-Tale Heart meltdown over here. What did you do to that doctor you shot in the stomach?
Mr. Sleazasky: I burned her alive, which was a double pain in the ass, if you want to know the truth. For one thing, I jumped the gun on Senate-sanctioned mass murder, and for another, I missed my badminton game.
Beetle Bailey: Sweet Lady MacBeth.
Mr. Sleazasky: I’d appreciate it if you’d stop referencing classic literature. Like every good conservative, the only things I read are The Bible and Guns & Ammo. Now, get rid of Ms. Juaerz’s car and we’re golden. Even those CSI guys can’t make a case out of dust in the wind.
Esther: I was just noticing that you came back from your tour with a bloody shirt instead of Dr. Juarez. Mind signing these imaginary forms and telling me why.
Mr. Sleazasky: My shirt is bloody because of badminton. Now, scram.
Esther: My friend Rex repeatedly tells me that I’m a crap spy, but I seriously doubt you have the skill or agility to excel at badminton, sir.
Beetle Bailey: [Is in the corner crying and shaking and washing his hands over and over and over]
FLORENCE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
Gwen: Dr. Patel? Hi, I’m Gwen Cooper and today I will be competing with Esther Drummond to see which one of us does a better job blowing our cover. She will be using her inexperience and I will be using my mouth. NOW MAKE MY DAD A CATEGORY TWO BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE AND USE IT TO HANG YOU FROM THE ROOF OF THIS TENT.
Dr. Patel: No can do, lady. I’m too busy organizing my table right now to save anyone’s life.
Gwen: OK, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but there’s some serious Nazi shit going on in here.
Dr. Patel: Yeah, I know, but I was absent the day we took the Hippocratic Oath, so, you know. Hey listen, can you make a bigger scene?
Gwen: Girl, you have no idea.