LIKE A NIGHTMARE YOU CAN’T WAKE UP FROM
Rex: Hello! It is I, Agent Rex Matthison! I have arrived in the module to save — where the hell is everyone? Oh, it’s a good thing it’s dark in here. You Category One people are gross. I’m just going to film you a little bit.
IT GETS GROSSER
Mr. Slezasky: Miss Juarez, you can’t go into that building. It’s, um, storage.
Dr. Juarez: Storage of rotting bodies and unwashed laundry? Disgusting! This is disgusting! You are disgusting!
Mr. Slezasky: No, these guys are disgusting! They don’t have insurance! We had to put them somewhere!
Dr. Juarez: You’re done, man. I’m going straight back to Washington D.C. and blowing the whistle on this entire operation. I have never been so appalled in my entire life. You’re over. Do you hear me? O-V-E-R.
Mr. Sleazasky: Actually, Miss Juarez, you’re over. Unless you can treat your own gunshot wounds. You can’t, can you? I knew you weren’t a doctor.
ZOMBIE CAMP FUNDRAISER
Jilly Kitzinger: They’ve cut your speech again, Oswald. Now they just want you to go out on stage and do a few cartwheels and holler “REVELATION!!!!” into the microphone as loud as you can.
Oswald Danes: Hang on a second, this incredibly handsome guy keeps stalking me and I need to see what he wants.
Captain Jack: Remember when you told me you felt forgiven for murdering that little girl? From experience, I know that’s a lie. I killed some children once, to save the world, and I know what it’s like to be immortal and have to carry that with you forever. So do the right thing for once in your life, Oswald: Read this statement that exposes PhiCorp, help us end the Miracle, and you can die, which is all you really want.
Oswald Danes: Yeah, OK. Maybe I will.
WELSH ZOMBIE CAMP
Gwen Cooper: I am still operating under the delusion that most of the doctors in the world still want to heal people. Can anyone help me find my father?
Nurse: Yeah, he was downgraded to a Category One. He’s on his way to the module.
Gwen: F–k wank bugger sh–ting arse head and hole.
Ryan Seacrest: Thiiiiiiis is American Miracle.
Jilly Kitzinger: Please just go on stage and say “REVELATION!,” Oswald. Please.
Oswald Danes: Yeah, OK. Maybe I will.
Captain Jack: [Hangs from the rafters like Batman]
Oswald Danes: Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears!
The crowd: Boooooooo!!!
Oswald Danes: Um, Four score and seven years ago!
The crowd: BOOOOOOO!!
Oswald Danes: OK, erm, I have a dream!
The crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Oswald Danes: Oh, fine. I am the Lord your God, and you are my angels! This is my REVELATION!
The crowd: YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!
SAN PEDRO ZOMBIE CAMP
Mr. Sleazasky: Where is that damn recipe? Oh, here we go. Let’s see.
Dr. Juarez: Somebody help me!
Mr. Sleazasky: Place ailing human beans in a large oven. Check.
Dr. Juarez: HELP ME!
Mr. Sleazasky: Bake at one million degrees for ten minutes, or until vaporized. Got it.
Dr. Juarez: PLEASE HELP ME!
INFINITY AND BEYOND
Owen Harper: Helllooo, Dr. Juarez.
Dr. Juarez: Excuse me?
Ianto Jones: I’m sorry. Ignore him. Please come in. Can I get you a cup of tea?
Dr. Juarez: I don’t — is that a …
Owen Harper: A pterodactyl, yeah. We’ve trained him to fetch. Hang on, I’ll show you. Where’s his tennis ball? Hey Tosh, where’d you put Cardiff’s tennis ball?
Ianto Jones: Owen. Chill, mate. Vera, how about a chai latte? Or maybe a Silkwood shower? We saw you talking to that Sleazasky.
Toshiko Sato: Cardiff, stop swooping at Dr. Juarez. She’s our new friend. Friend, Cardiff. Friend. He always gets like this with new people. Better mind your jewelry. He collects gold.
Dr. Juarez: Is that … Jack Harkness?
Owen Harper: Just a cardboard cutout. We like to dress it up for the holidays. Sometimes Ianto likes to make out with it.
Ianto Jones: Sod off. You’re the one who put him in Tosh’s bra and knickers.
Dr. Juarez: I’m sorry, what is this place?
Toshiko Sato: Welcome to Torchwood.
Editor’s note: As always, please do not put spoilers in your subject line!