“Torchwood” in Ten Minutes “Miracle Day” Episode 105: Move over, Ianto. There’s a New Member of Club Dead.

 
 

YOU SAY F*!K BUDDY LIKE IT’S A BAD THING

Rex: Everyone, I’d like you to meet Vera Juarez. Vera, this is Esther. Even though I belittle and demean her on a two-minute rotation, she has a crush on me. And this is Jack. He thinks he knows everything. 

Captain Jack: I know you two are lovahs!

Dr. Juarez: Um, not anymore.

Rex: Thanks, Jack-off. 

Captain Jack: [Curtsies]

 

RUN AWAY, SIMBA, AND NEVER RETURN!

Dr. Juarez: So, the categories of life —

Rex: The Circle of Life? Ugh, I had a girlfriend who tried to make me watch The Lion King one time, and I was like, “Cartoons? You’re worthless.” And then I kicked a hole through the TV. But then she was all, “I was talking about the musical.” And I was like, “Giraffe costumes? You’re worthless.” And then I kicked a hole through Broadway.

Dr. Juarez: Thank you, Rex. That was certainly an illuminating story and not at all a waste of time. The Categories of Life are like this: One, you’re healthy. Two, you’re sick, but not dying. Three, you have no brain function.

Esther: Maybe we should try to get inside one of those Zombie Camps and find out what they’re doing with the Category Ones and Twos. Also, I wonder what these things are on the back lots labeled “Easy Bake Modules.”

Gwen: I’m going into the Welsh Zombie Camp tonight dressed as a nurse, Rhys is going in dressed as a truck driver. 

Esther: I’ll go in dressed as clerical help.

Dr. Vera Juarez: I’ll go in dressed as myself. A doctor who spends 20 hours on her feet in wearing inexplicable Stilettos instead of Crocs. 

Rex: It’s been ten minutes since I showed off my chest wound. I will do that now.

 

AZKABAN EXPRESS

Dementors: We’re here for Rex. 

Captain Jack: Oh, do take care of him! He is my boyfriend in a gay way and I don’t know how I will continue to live my big gay life if his big gay life is not in the hands of the most capable medical professionals. Gay him a speedy recovery and gay him back to me as gay as you can. Gay you later, Rexy-poo!

MIRACLE ARENA

Jilly Kitzinger: Ever since that wingnut disappeared, you’re at the top of the get list. 

Oswald Danes: That wingnut? You mean Ellis Hartley? 20 hours ago you were ready to have her babies. 

Jilly Kitzinger: That was before her Tumblr tag stopped exploding. Anyway, tonight you’re going to be John the Baptist to the actual president! You’ll read this statement and at the end just sort of scream the word “REVELATION!”

Oswald Danes: Um, why did someone write my speech for me?

Jilly Kitzinger: Something about not being able to trust a child rapist. 

Oswald Danes: Whatever. These people think I am God.

Some of these people: [Want to kiss him with tongue.]

Some of these people: [Want to cut his tongue out with a spoon.]

Jilly Kitzinger: Just read the speech, asshole. 

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