U STORE IT
Dr. Juarez: JFC, this is worse than I imagined! Abandoned babies! Open wounds! Poxes! Scurvy! Plagues! Am I like the only person on earth who gives a shit?
Ellis Hartley: I give a shit that they die.
Oswald Danes: And I give a shit that Ellis Hartley is stealing my thunder.
Jilly Kitzinger: And I give a shit that I tied my wagon to Oswald Danes’ fading star.
Oswald Danes: F–k this. [Walks past the press and Ellis Hartley, straight into U STORE IT.] Hey, listen to me, you sickos and mentally infirm. I know what it’s like to feel the way you feel, to be abandoned by your family and friends and left to rot in a concrete cell. I’ve been there. But out of the ashes of failed lethal injection, like a phoenix — a phoenix with the head of a … bear and the feet of, like, a cougar … or, no, a cheetah. Yeah, the feet of a cheetah. So, um, immortality like a phoenix and the head of a ferocious bear and then really speedy feet. And also, like maybe a jet pack, because phoenix wings wouldn’t be able to bear all that weight. So, yeah, I, um, rose from the ashes! Victorious! Like all of those things in combined!
Patient 24601: Hey, aren’t you convicted murderer Oswald Danes?
Oswald Danes: Yeah. So?
Patient 24601: Oh, nothing. Just want to make sure I label your inspirational speech correctly when I upload it to YouTube.
Ellis Hartley: [Is piiiisssed]
And also: [Kiiiiidnappped]
THE MYSTERY MACHINE
Captain Jack: Gwen and I are going to break into PhiCorp and steal the server.
Esther: I am going to call and check on my nieces to make sure they got shipped off to foster care all right.
Rex: I’m going to go back to being a complete d–k.
Gwen: Hey Jack, do you want to have a sexy-off? I’ll show off my calves and cleavage.
Captain Jack: And I’ll wear a uniform. God, I miss uniforms. I used to have a boyfriend who had this white sailor’s suit and—
Rex: Oh my Rex, enough with the GAY, GAY, GAY! Hang on. Esther, did you say you used your Torchwood mobile phone to make a personal call? You worthless s–t!
Esther: Sorry, help me understand how you using your phone to call your f–k buddy is better than me using my phone to check on my family.
Rex: Uh, I wasn’t just calling her for sex. I was also calling her for drugs.
Esther: Oh, right, much better.
INSIDE THOSE HALLOWED WALLS OF PHICORP
Gwen and Jack: [Are getting the hell beaten out of them that paparazzi hit man]
Rex: Dammit, Esther! This is somehow your fault too! Now I’m going to have to run up 60 flights of stairs with no heart!
Esther: How’s that different from all the other times you’ve ever run up stairs?
Paparazzi Hit Man: Jack, I’ve been sent to kill you, but I kind of don’t want to until you tell me how come you’re the only person left on earth who can die. As a hit man, I feel very bored lately. Entertain me.
Captain Jack: Tell me who you work for.
Paparazzi Hit Man: No, instead, I think I will cut out Gwen’s throat.
Gwen: Tell us who you work for.
Paparazzi Hit Man: I will. After I cut out your throat.
Paparazzi Hit Man: OK, fine. I work for—
Rex: [GUN! GUN! GUN! GUN! GUN! GUN! GUN!]
Gwen: Dammit, Rex! He was just going to tell us who hired him!
Rex: I can’t do anything right, can I?
Gwen: No! Apparently not!
Oswald Danes: [Spreads out in the spotlight]
Jilly Kitzinger: GUESS WHAT?! YOU’RE TRENDING ON TWITTER! IN A GOOD WAY!
Oswald: I KNEW IT!
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP
An old junkyard: [Is full of junk]
And also: [A car containing a bound and gagged Ellis Hartley]
Pink Floyd: Sorry, girl. You knew too much. We’re going to have to chomp you to bits.
Ellis Hartley: It won’t matter! I’ll live!
Pink Floyd: Yes. You will. Good luck with that.