“Torchwood” in Ten Minutes “Miracle Day” Episode 104: A Baby (And a Child Molester) Shall Lead Them


Previously on Torchwood, Captain Jack had some vertical and horizontal-type gay sex, which didn’t please most of you as much as the titillating media foreplay that proceeded it. Post-coital he called Gwen to talk about their complicated love affair, but she shut him down because she, like us, was over that s–t after Series One. Esther proved herself competent as a sleuth/hacker, while Rex proved himself soulless. Good thing that have a mask for that these days.


The People: [They are still very much living.]


Esther: The way my sister has her windows boarded up and pit-bulls guarding the front porch and a cross-bow aimed at my forehead, you’d think it’s the Apocalypse around here.

The camera: [Hugs her face]

Esther’s sister: I am batshit crazy, which you’ve always known, Sister, but now I am bats–t crazy and locked inside my house with two small children, both of whom are wearing HazMat suits, aluminum foil helmets and steel-toe work boots. On account of the invasion. Of aliens.

Esther: Speaking of which, I’m going out of town for a little while, and I’d really like to make sure you haven’t murdered your kids.

Esther’s sister: Nope.

Esther: [Is forced to call child services]

The audience: [Hugs her face]


Rex: 2,700 miles is a long way from home.

Captain Jack: So is 2,700 years.

Esther: I never know if you’re telling the truth.

Captain Jack: It’s part of my charm.

Gwen: Is that … I’m sorry, but is that … an ocean with sand instead of cliffs and shining sun instead of pissing rain? I LOVE AMERICA.



Rex: Dr. Juarez, I am with a team of trained spies who have technology from the future and aliens probably, but instead of asking them for help, I thought I’d call and ask you: What is this DEAD IS DEAD thing?

Dr. Juarez: Are you being … nice?

Rex: I don’t know what that word means.

Dr. Juarez: DEAD IS DEAD is like, what if Miracle Day happened, no one died, and Sarah Palin needed to run her mouth about Jesus.

Rex: Zombies vs. Zombie?

Dr. Juarez: Something like that.


Doctors: [Are gathered together, not treating patients some more.]

Hospital Administrator of Doom: You guys know those storage facilities you can rent when you’ve got too much furniture?

Dr. Juarez: The climate-controlled ones? With the tight security and insurance options?

Hospital Administrator of Doom: No, I was thinking more like … when your friend has an empty shed on some abandoned property and you take your truck out there and just dump all your shit inside. I’d like this abandoned hospital to serve the same purpose, only instead of dumping old arm chairs and lamps and bedside tables, we’d dump people inside.

Dr. Juarez: That’s positively medieval! What’s next? Pagan rituals as cures? Bloodletting? Amputation with axes?!

Hospital Administrator of Doom: Oh, don’t be ridiculous; there’s no need to amputate for infection when people aren’t dying.


Captain Jack: We’ve never had an above-ground headquarters before. It’s so nice and bright in here. Maybe I should see about getting another pet dinosaur. That’d really boost team morale, I’ll bet.

Hell’s Angel: [Is a badass landlord. And also a gaymo.]

Rex: What’s your deal, Harkness? You make every person on earth gay, or what?

Captain Jack: Oh, not just people. And not just on earth.

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