“Torchwood” in 10 Minutes: The Best England’s Got to Offer

 
 

Dr. Juarez: Rex, stop calling me! After the day I’ve had, I might be talked into the sex, but I really don’t have any drugs to give you. 

Rex: Yes, to the sex, but also, I’m watching the only mortal man on earth die from arsenic poisoning. Is there any chance you are in a conference with a hundred other doctors who can MacGruber together to save his life?

Dr. Jaurez: No. Oh, wait — yes!

Gwen: Give me the phone. Vera, this is Gwen Cooper. I am ready to up my badassery to an epic level of epic epicness. Tell me where to begin. 

Dr. Juarez: OK, rip the plane apart with your bare hands and mix up an antidote of jet fuel, toilet cleaner, Diet Sprite and a single hair from the mane of a virgin unicorn, all while shouting at Jack in your accent and barking commands at everyone else and writhing around on the floor in your leather jacket. 

Gwen: OK, done and done. Bollocy Wankshite! Lyn has broken free from her muzzle. Hang on.

Lyn: If you’re the best England’s got to offer, then God help you. 

Gwen: I’m Welsh. We have our own alphabet and a dragon on our national flag, which means we are better than you in every possible way. I will clock you now.

Jack: I am saved! Obviously, as the lead character of this show, I was not going to die. But that was scary! 

 

NEWMAN’S OWN OFFICE

Rex: Lyn tried to poison Torchwood. 

Director Newman: Interesting. By order of the alien 8-Ball, I’ll send a team of people to the airport to kill you. Er, I mean meet you.

 

OBAMACARE

Dr. Juarez: We have to rebuild the healthcare system in this country from the ground-up. 

Jilly Kitzinger: I heard you bossing people around in there, and I’d like to represent you like I’m going to represent Oswald Danes. Here’s my card. 

Dr. Juarez: Jilly Kitzinger: Collector of Superstars? 

Jilly Kitzinger: Yes, but I also work for the nation’s largest pharmaceutical company and I happen to have a s–tload of pain killers in my purse. 

Dr. Juarez: That meets my exact needs at this exact moment. 

 

IAD

Rex: I have returned to the United States of America with my prisoners! And my phone is ringing because I stay very busy and important! 

Esther: You and I are being framed because we didn’t forget Torchwood like Google wanted us to.

Rex: Newman! Meet me at the airport. It’ll be most convenient if you park by the doctor who is dropping off my drugs. 

Esther: What are you going to do?

Rex: The thing I do best. 

Moments Later

Rex: [Bulls--t, bulls--t, bulls--t, bulls--t.]

Captain Jack: [Engages fists of justice.] 

Gwen Cooper: [Watched Wushu Warrior about a hundred times on that radish farm.]

Rex: If I give you your wrist cuff back, will you save my ass? 

Captain Jack: Yep. 

LOADING ZONE

Gwen: Your car is tiny, which surprises me because I thought all Americans drove tanks. I hope we can enjoy some hilarious cross-culture banter next week. 

Esther: I look forward to that. 

Everyone: [Squeezes into Esther’s tiny getaway car.]

Lyn: [Does her best half-Poltergeist as Team 3.0 makes a getaway.] 

Esther: This has been the weirdest day of my life. 

Gwen: Welcome to Torchwood. 

 

NEXT WEEK 

Captain Jack takes his swerve (and his coat) to a gay bar. 

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