“Torchwood” in 10 Minutes: The Best England’s Got to Offer




Jilly Kitzinger: Hey there, Bill Pullman! I’m Lauren Ambrose! We’ll be competing for the show-stealer crown in this mini-series. It’ll be fun. Both of our characters are sort of enigmatic and nefarious. Of course, my performance is a wee bit more high energy than yours, and also I’m what you might call a “fox.” But there’s probably something to be said for understated performances, too. Here’s my card. I’m in PR.

Oswald Danes: I don’t want your card. 

Jilly Kitzinger: Yes, you do. A) If the devil himself walked the earth he’d need representation. And B) Do you have the devil’s phone number? I’d really love a shot at representing him. 

Oswald Danes: I’m going on Oprah. 

Jilly Kitzinger: Um, her show’s off the air. So good luck with that. 



Doctors: Yep, everyone’s still alive. 

Dr. Juarez: Like, super alive. 

Doctors: Why does that one doctor on Craigslist keep asking for more antibiotics?

Dr. Juarez: Oh, man. You know what I just realized? Infections can’t feed on dead corpses anymore, so they’re going to start feeding on live people, which means we’re going to become a species of infection incubators, which means antibiotics won’t work in six months, which means we’re even more f–ked than we thought. 


Captain Jack: [Is dying. And also kind of gross-looking.] 

Rex: Stop being so melodramatic. 

Captain Jack: No. Listen to me: I don’t get sick and I don’t get ugly. Something is wrong. 



Men in Black: [Ransack Rex’s office and Esther’s workspace.] 

Bank: Hi, Ms. Drummond. I’d like to give you some investment advice about the $50,000 you were bought off with a couple of minutes ago. 

Esther: Uh oh. 

Intense Torchwood music: [Is intense.] 

Esther: Pro Tip: Being nice to the help always pays off. Plus it helps establish you as a likeable character who is entirely too good for Rex Matheson. 


Gwen: Er, Jack, I don’t mean to alarm you, but you’re getting uglier by the second. 

Captain Jack: Godd—-t! I knew I was dying! I had a boyfriend in the 1800s who poisoned himself so he could have better skin! 

Gwen: Your “I once had a boyfriend” stories are sounding more and more like Sophia Petrillo’s “Picture it, Sicily” stories every day.


Gwen: OK, who poisoned Jack? I swear to God, don’t make me take my sexy Welsh accent to eleven. It’s even more effective now that I’m the only non-American onscreen. I said, WHO POISONED HIM?

Lyn: Not me. I did not poison him with the poison pills that are in the poison pill bag in my poison purse. 

Gwen: I think you are lying. 

Rex: For once, I am listening to another human being, and I think Gwen Cooper may actually be correct. 

Jack: JFC, can we move it along? Dying is not a pleasure. 

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