“Torchwood” in 10 Minutes: The Best England’s Got to Offer


Rex: I still can’t figure out what this wrist cuff does. I thought maybe gaydar because they’re the number one lesbian fashion accessory, but then it started bleeping at me, and even though I’ve never noticed that Esther has the most banging body of any CIA agent in Langley, I am a straight man. 

Gwen: Go away, I’m still plotting your murder. 

Captain Jack: You are such a waste of space and tax payer’s dollars. You need to be researching morphic fields. Start with the 1993 Doctor Who novel, Lucifer Rising, and then probably Wikipedia. 



Director Newman: [Shakes his alien 8-Ball.] 

Alien 8-Ball: Kill Torchwood, duh. 


Oswald Danes: [Gollums all the food from CNN craft services.]



Dr. Juarez: Rex, I don’t have time for your phone calls begging for sex and drugs. I get enough of that s–t from my ex-husband. 

Rex: You’re like the fourth person today who thinks I’m capable of listening to other people. It’s cute. Bring some unspecified drugs to an unnamed airport. 

Dr. Juarez: I will do just that. 


EMTs: 30 percent zombie, 76 percent zombie, 12 percent zombie, 88 percent zombie. 

Dr. Jaurez: Everyone stop what you’re doing! The people who only have half a face, or a heart beating outside their sternum? F–k ‘em. They’re gonna live and we need the beds. Right now we’re going to treat people who only need band-aids. 


Jack: May we please have something to drink?

Male flight attendant: I can’t speak to you because you are a terrorist, but if I could speak to you, I’d say that your eyes are the color blue that makes every other crayon in the box jealous. 

Lyn: Stop flirting and tell me where you keep the poison. 

Male flight attendant: In the cabinet with the pretzels. 

Heather Hogan: Will be ignoring all the dumb gay jokes about the male flight attendant. 



Newscaster: Oswald Danes, you raped and murdered a 12-year-old. Do you have any feelings about that?

Oswald Danes: Nope. 

Newcaster: No feelings? 

Oswald Danes: None.

Newscaster: Zero feelings?

Oswald Danes: Zero. 

Newscaster: I am no stranger to the wiles of Barbara Walters. I will force you to have some feelings. Look at the this photo of that little girl. 

Oswald Danes: After looking at that photo, I do, in fact, have some feelings. My feelings are “remorse” and “sobbing.”

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