“Torchwood” in 10 Minutes: The Best England’s Got to Offer

 
 

Previously on Torchwood, humans stopped dying, which was good for some people, but bad for other people. Good for: Guys who had minor heart attacks. Bad for: Guys who got blasted to smithereens.

Also bad for: Guys who were tired of watching Rex Matheson mouth-off and smash things. Somebody tried to take “Torchwood” out of Google, and so Captain Jack returned to earth to keep Gwen safe, which, of course, resulted in Gwen getting wrapped up in the most dangerous thing she’s been wrapped up in since the last time Captain Jack tried to keep her safe. Rhys called Jack “Captain Jack Bollocks,” which was funny. Rex took Torchwood hostage, which was not.

OPENING CREDITS

Once upon a time: People didn’t die. 

HEATHROW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT BACKLOT

Rex: Just to reiterate what I said last week, I am taking you to America in handcuffs. Also, I will be stealing your personal possessions, like a ten-year-old bully. What’s with the wrist cuff, bro?

Captain Jack: It is not a vortex manipulator with an integrated pinpoint device and teleportation technology, I’ll tell you that. 

Rex: Whatever. I will take it from you. And from Gwen, I will take … her husband and her baby.

Rhys: The last time a Whoniverse a-hole messed with a mum and her baby, the cuddly husband blew up several galaxies. Just so you know. 

Gwen: Here’s another thing you should know: I will end you with my bare hands as soon as these cuffs come off.

Rex: I would take both of those things under advisement if I listened to anyone but myself, which, as you already know, I do not. Everyone onto the plane!

 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL 

Rex: Just in case you’ve forgotten, I was stabbed in the heart by some rebar last time. 

SECOND CLASS

Captain Jack: If I make some jokes will you forget that every time I turn up, you get taken hostage and ripped away from your family. 

Gwen: No. 

 

CIA HQ

Everyone: [Crowds around to watch a YouTube video of that insane eHarmony lady singing about cats vomiting rainbows on Oswald Danes.] 

Esther: Hello, Newman. I want to work on Rex’s case when he gets back to the States with Torchwood. 

Director Newman: And by “work on his case,” you mean …

Esther: I mean, I have an inexplicable urge to kiss him on the mouth, which, quite frankly, may be sublimation of my desire to engage in dangerous adventures that will probably result in my death. 

Director Newman: Yes, that does seem to be a Davies theme.  

Esther: So may I get in on the Torchwood action, sir?

Director Newman: In more ways than you’re prepared for, my dear. Now, shoo. I’ve got to do some creepy computer searching of your name. 

SOMEWHERE OVER GREENLAND

Gwen: OK, look, I’m still a little miffed that your presence in my life resulted in a helicopter shooting missiles at my baby, but mostly I’m furious about how boring my life was on that radish farm. I wrote some fanfic about how maybe you’d come back to earth in two hundred years, as handsome and charming as ever, and try to bone my great-great-great granddaughter. 

Jack: That’s still a thing that could happen. Assuming no one tries to kill me now that I’m the only mortal person on this planet. 

Lyn’s ears: [Perk up.] 

Gwen: Where did you go anyway?

Jack: Somewhere I thought I could forget about Ianto. 

Gwen: And have you? Forgotten him, I mean?

Jack: Has anyone?

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