Captain Jack: [Rings up Gwen] Hey, Gwen, this guy I shagged is asleep beside me, and I was thinking … Remember when I was boning Ianto, and you were boning Owen, and Tosh was boning that shape-shifting alien, and we didn’t even know what a “Rex” was?
Gwen: Yeah, it was good times when Ianto was alive. Oh, got to go! Rhys wants to Skype!
Captain Jack: Damn that cuddly bastard!
Jilly Kitzinger: Oh, fancy meeting you here, Mr. Danes. You look like hell. Guess you should have taken my card, after all.
Oswald Danes: Yeah, probably.
Jilly Kitzinger: I’ve never given a pep talk to a convicted murderer before, but I have watched a lot of Friday Night Lights, so I’ve probably got something. How about this? Come with me and I’ll get you a bodyguard.
Oswald Danes: Done.
WALK OF SHAME
Captain Jack: When you’re not getting arsenic poisoning, mortality is AWESOME! Even this hangover is AWESOME! I feel so ALIVE! Hey, Rex, what’s up? I thought we were on a break. Tired of sleeping on park benches and eating out of rubbish bins? Got any of those pain meds for my AWESOME hangover?
Rex: No. You just drank too much. You weren’t impaled.
Captain Jack, verbatim: You didn’t see the other guy.
Jane Espenson: ZING!
PHICORP: FOR ALL YOUR UNDEAD MEDICAL NEEDS
PhiCorp assembly room: [Is full of award-winning doctors]
Senator Someone: Hello, everyone. My voice is being broadcast all around the world so that I can let everyone know that today I will be introducing legislation to make all prescription drugs available over the counter. You know, just in case you’ve been bludgeoned in the heart and can’t get into the hospital to see a doctor.
Doctors: Preposterous! Absurd! Why wouldn’t patients be able to see us?! It’s not like the world is dealing with an unprecedented crisis while all of us sit in an air conditioned auditorium enjoying PhiCorp swag bags and free snacks. Oh, wait.
Meanwhile: [Gwen breaks into Jilly Kitzinger’s office wearing TorchSpecs from the good ol’ days.]
All of Jilly’s computer files: [She does steal.]
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Magic Alien 8-Ball Flip-Phone: [Rings]
Rex: [Poops his pants]
Pink Floyd: [Is calling from The Dark Side of the Moon.]
OH, JACK HEARS YOU
Captain Jack: What’s your deal, Oswald? Can you get any creepier?
Oswald: Oh, absof-kinglutely. I’ll just describe in gruesome metaphoric detail the murder of a child.
Captain Jack: Ah, I get it now. You want someone to kill you. Me. Anyone.
Oswald: Whatever, PhiCorp gave me some thugs and I’ve got to get to my interview. So.
OSWALD DANES NETWORK
Oswald Danes: I am the Lord your God.
A Bazillion People: Yes, you are.
Captain Jack: Well, s–t.
Next week: Torchwood 3.0 drives from D.C. to L.A. 3,000 miles in a car with Rex. What a treat that will be.