Previously on Torchwood, Jack had a near-death experience that almost really killed him, for maybe the first time ever. Luckily, Gwen was there to rip apart an airplane with her teeth and concoct an antidote from spare engine parts and the blood of a male steward. Dichen Lachman worked for Seinfeld’s Newman who worked for a Magic Alien 8-Ball. Together, they tried to exterminate Torchwood, which resulted in a broken neck for Lachman and some team bonding for Torchwood 3.0.
LOOK OUT, AMERICA! HERE COMES TORCHWOOD!
Thrice upon a time: People still aren’t dying.
PEDOPHILE NEWS NETWORK
Newscaster: So, I mean, you’re like really famous.
Oswald Danes: I don’t know if I’d call myself “famous.” “Messiah,” maybe. “Figurehead of the Order of the Resurrected,” perhaps. “Our Lord and Savior Oswald Danes.” But not famous.
NEWMAN IN PAJAMAS, COMING DOWN THE STAIRS
Newman: I wonder if people will ever stop thinking of me as Newman.
Rex: Surprise! I don’t have much time because bossy bottom Harkness is waiting in the car, but I just wanted to drop by to shoot you in the brains and find out why you had me blacklisted.
Newman: You seem grumpy.
Rex: I am grumpy. I was in a horrific car accident, I keep getting out-bad-assed by a Welsh woman half my size, and judging by the stains on my shirts, there’s literally no blood left in my body.
Newman: I had to frame you because someone told me to. I don’t know who, aliens probably. They’re everywhere. They know everything.
Rex: The Silence put you up to this? I’m pretty sure Eleven came to America earlier this summer and exterminated those guys.
Newman: I don’t know who they are! They only communicated with me via this mobile phone!
Rex: BANG! Just kidding, LOL.
Captain Jack: What’d you find out?
Rex: The aliens used this mobile to chat with Newman.
Captain Jack: [Giggles] Someone or something has the technology to stop death, but they’re communicating with a flip-phone? It’s not aliens, then. They’ve had the iPhone since the Norman Conquest.
Esther: The cops are coming, you guys!
Gwen: Don’t worry, I always keep a blanket of nails in my purse for just such an occasion.
SISTER HELEN PREJEAN?
TORCHWOOD STATESIDE HQ
Gwen: British words.
Esther: American translation.
Gwen: Thanks, Esther. Americans don’t export TV and movies like cultural imperialists. These words are so foreign. “French fries” are a brand new thing to me.
Rex: If I could have everyone’s attention, I will now explain the ways the women in this room suck: Gwen, too many lady feelings about being separated from your child. Esther, too many lady feelings about taking care of your sister.
Esther: Be that as it may, Torchwood’s software has turned me into a master sleuth.
Rex: All of your sleuthing will fail. Because of the way you suck.
Oswald Danes: [Is on the teevee] Don’t buy drugs, kids. Become a rockstar and people will give them to you for free!