A DIFFERENT KIND OF BONDAGE
Captain Jack: Ooh, ropes. Niiice.
Gwen: This isn’t a game, Jack! I’m turning you over to the Big Bad.
Captain Jack: Oh, come on. Let me at least try to charm him first.
Gwen: Fine. But don’t cock it up.
Captain Jack: Oi, Big Bad. You release Rhys and Anywn and what’s-her-name, Gwen’s mother. You hear me?
Gwen: What’s-her-name? What’s-her-name? Her name is Mary. How long have you known me? Who did you piss off to cause this Miracle anyway? As of right this second, everything on earth is officially your fault.
SOME RISE BY SIN
Captain Jack: I like watching people get married. Why, in 85 years, you and I will be able to get married in this very city!
Angelo Colesanto: Being in church weirds me out because of how the Pope hates gay people. I suppose that gets better in 85 years as well?
Captain Jack: No, in 85 years the pope is still a twat. The difference is, in 85 years you can write “the Pope is a twat” on one of the most highly trafficked gay websites on the Internet and no one will blink. In fact, you’ll be able write “the Pope is a twat” as many times as you want. A hundred times you could write “the Pope is a twat.” Just to hear how it sounds. Over and over again. “The Pope is a twat the Pope is a twat the Pope is a twat.” Oh, gotta go get my confession on. Be right back.
Priest: Are you our new Blood of Christ distributor?
Captain Jack: Yup! I’m all about life everlasting!
Gangstas: Not if we shoot you in the face.
SOME FALL BY VIRTUE
Captain Jack: Did you notice any colloquial spellings or anything when Big Bad was giving you directions?
Captain Jack: Well, you wouldn’t, would you? There are 271 letters in the Welsh alphabet, none of them vowels. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but if you’ll untie me, we can use my wrist strap to find Anwyn.
Gwen: Do you promise?
Captain Jack: Yes, I promise.
Gwen: Double promise?
Captain Jack: Triple promise.
Gwen: Too bad I learned Occlumency while you were out playing space cowboy. YOU LIAR.
BIG BOY CAPRICE
Mob boss: Mob, mob, mob, also I heard a rumor that you’re gay.
Captain Jack: That’s not a rumor; that’s an awesome truth. Got any alien stuff you need taking care of?
Mob boss: Actually, yes.
Captain Jack: You’ve come to the right place.
YELLOW CAP, GYPSY CAB, DOLLAR CAB, HOLLER BACK
Captain Jack: I’m just going to pack up your things and walk you to the train station so you can head out west. You picked a good time to go. A couple of years ago, everyone on the Oregon Trail was dying of dysentery and snake bites.
Angelo Colesanto: Or I can stay here with you and we can do more of the sex and cuddling.
Captain Jack: Didn’t you hear me earlier? I have got alien business to take care of, and besides your Catholic guilt is still plaguing you every time we do it.
Angelo Colesanto: Didn’t you hear me earlier? I swam here from Italy! With an entire collection of F. Scott Fitzgerald novels strapped to my back! I can handle a couple of aliens!
Captain Jack: Well, I do have this friend named The Doctor who always has these companions following him around and falling in love with him. He says the first rule of time travel is not to shag your companions, but then he went and married the super sexy daughter of one of his companions, so I really don’t see how he can complain about this. Yeah, OK. Let’s do it.