First things first —
Padma, Tom, Gail and Ted arrive for Judges’ Table. Padma is all aglow about the
meal. No, seriously, she is glowing.
Who else is glowing? Lisa. On the walk up to Judge’s Table
she is all smiles — smiling, relaxed, friendly. Who is this and what have Bravo
editors done with this season’s supposed villain?
The chefs are asked to explain their choices course by
course. They start with Richard. He says a first course should be an explosion
of flavor that wakes up the palate. Padma says some of them thought it lacked
Tom then wants to know if Lisa meant her first course to be
so “hot” and “assertive.”
Lisa: You guys
have been telling me, you know, “We want to see you in the cooking.”
And clearly I’m a “spicy” kind of person.
Who says lesbians don’t have a sense of humor?
Stephanie says her first course was meant to be springy, and
the judges spring to praise it. Gail calls it “beautifully presented”
and Padma calls it “lovely.”
Anyone for seconds? —
For the second course, Richard says if he could change anything, he might leave
off the foie gras. Gail says the dish was muddled and the flavors lost their
Better not tell the conservatives about his integrity-less
flavors. They’ll argue that once flavors lose their integrity, it’s a slippery
slope. After that it’s only a matter of time before you see same-flavor
marriages, and that will destroy the very fabric of our nation itself, namely
Why, yes, I do like to stretch my metaphors. Why do you ask?
Lisa’s second course soup is called slurp-worthy. Ted says
the flavors “blew everyone away.”
Again with the big smiles. Geez, why won’t you subscribe to
your ascribed role as this season’s Big Bad Lesbian? This smiling is confusing
millions of viewers at home.
Stephanie’s second course is praised all around, but — and
it’s a big but — then there were those leeks. Tom says he doesn’t know what
they were doing there, and they weren’t cooked. As Stephanie learned her leeks
were crunchy, the look on her face can only be described as abject horror.
Third time is the
charm — Onto the third course, and Ted asks Richard if he had considered
making his pork belly crispier. Richard says he would have lost the integrity
of the meat by crisping the fat. Again with integrity-less flavors. Do no
flavors have strong moral values anymore? Tom blinks and stares. This is the
most blinking and staring Richard has encountered all season.
Tom then calls Lisa’s Wagyu beef third course undercooked.
He says Kobe beef is different than American beef. If it’s not cooked enough,
the fats don’t melt and instead make it chewy. Wow, I just learned something
useful. Well, that is, if I could ever afford to buy Kobe beef.