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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.6): Mmmm, O.G. Thanksgiving

Previously on Top Chef: Boston, I don’t even have to tell you what happened, do I? (Okay, fine, I will – Aaron was sent home! #ByeFelicia)

This week, there seems to be a collective released breath amongst the remaining chefs now that the douchebro is gone. It’s great, because usually on these shows they never really talk shit about anyone after they leave. It’s usually all rose-colored glasses, like, “Well, we had our differences, but he was a good competitor, in the end.” Not in this Top Chef house. Nope, they’re all like, “Aaron was messy.” “He was a total dick.” “I heard he sacrifices babies to Satan.” I love it.

It’s a new day, and Melissa is reading over some love notes from her girlfriend. A few thoughts on this:

1. AWWWWW

2. this is 100% something my wife would do if I was on Top Chef-not sure if that makes a lesbian-thing (probably) or just a considerate-person-thing, but either way it is wonderful.

3. Bravo is the best, because they don’t make this scene weird or out of place at all. Last week Kerianna missed her kids, this week Melissa misses her girlfriend and it’s all good.

4. Melissa and her GF are hella cute.

Chef Tiffani shows up! All the chefs are kind of giving her side eye, like, “Oh it’s so great to see you BUT ALSO WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO.” She’s taking them on an adventure in their Beautiful Chryslers! An adventure to a beautiful cranberry bog! The chefs receive a little background info about Ocean Spray cranberries and how they’re grown.

Quickfire Challenge, pt. 1: The chefs must don some super sexy waders and go harvest cranberries; the first four chefs to fill their crates will receive an unknown advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Mei is not really into this challenge because she is 5’2″ and can’t swim. BB, I’ll protect you-I’m 5’9″ and I take to the water like a fish.

Right out of the gate, Katsuji and Adam take the lead, but Katsuji cannot sustain the pace. Whomp. Katie is apparently a super-soldier level athlete, and she’s pumped about the physical challenge. Tiffani’s pun game is strong, mentioning that the chefs look a “little bogged down.” Katie, Adam, Gregory and Doug win! Quickfire Challenge, pt. 2: Padma greets the chefs back in the kitchen with an even sassier “good morning” than usual. I’m fine. Anyway, she tells the chefs that they have 30 minutes to create a dish that highlights cranberries, but it doesn’t have to feel Thanksgiving-y. The four winning chefs get to use some organic shit from Whole Foods, but everyone else has, like, canned veggies and chicken livers only.

Katie’s making cranberry borscht, which sounds sort of gross, but then again she made baked-bean-pine-nuts last week that were (allegedly) really good. Don’t sleep on Katie’s weird food inventions, is what I’m saying. Katsuji is trying to make steak tartare with skirt steak. WTF that sounds like a terrible idea, man.

Time’s up and the plates look exceptionally pretty this week. Maybe it’s the red from the cranberries? IDK, but whatever it is, they all look fabulous. Adam has the sads because a something of his (sauce, maybe?) burned, and Tiffani tells him not to be such a Debbie Downer about it. Katie’s weird borscht is actually good! I knew it. Mei fucking crushed her sweet and sour pork, and she knows it.

On the bottom, Katsuji’s cut-too-big skirt steak tartare, Adam’s cranberry-lite steak, and Stacy’s cauliflower curry soup. Stacy’s pretty pissed because cranberries are a hometown ingredient and she wanted to do it right.

On the top, Doug’s classic pork tenderloin, Katie’s weird borscht, and Mei’s sweet and sour pork. Katie wins! I don’t even know anymore-I didn’t think Katie would be around much longer, but it looks like she’s found her sweet spot (making weird, inventive takes on classic dishes). She’ll be around at least another week, because she just won immunity. Elimination Challenge: The chefs are working as one group to create a traditional, historically accurate Thanksgiving dinner in Plymouth, MA. They can only use food, tools, and cooking methods that were available to the genociders Colonists in the 1600s.

The chefs have some downtime before the challenge, so they all get to hang in the house and share some Thanksgiving traditions. Doug made pizzas, while Mei and Melissa both had duck stuffed with sticky rice – I could get behind either of these traditions. I just really like to eat, I guess.

Gregory, who is basically the house dad, notices that Stacy is having some feelings about being in the bottom again. I appreciate his empathy, but it’s kind of hard not to notice, because Stacy is staring out the window like she’s Henri, the cat with ennui. Stacy calls her Marine boyfriend and says, “I can’t believe I’m crying! I didn’t have feelings until I met you!” which is actually something my Bostonian wife said to me once in the beginning of our relationship. So. I <3 New Englanders.

The next day, the chefs head down to Plymouth. The plantation is quite quaint (say that five times fast, I dare you), and the chefs take stock of their ingredients. There are definitely some really good proteins available, though perhaps uncommon for a modern day Thanksgiving. But, I mean, if you serve me lobster and clams, I’m definitely going to give thanks. The tools and cooking methods leave a little more to be desired-it’s mostly all fire pits.

Doug is making rabbit and it looks like he did his homework, because he knows that, historically, there wouldn’t have been forks at the OG Thanksgiving. He is going to make sure his dish is edible with a spoon. Gregory is making goose, which I’m a little nervous about. Listen, Gregory, I know you’re a hard motherfucker, but why you wanna tempt fate by making something that hard? I guess, in the end, stallions have to run free and chefs have to cook geese. Or something.

Katie has immunity so she’s like, “IDGAF I’m’a make a berry/lobster/lemon stuffing.” Uh, OK. Though I suppose if history has shown me anything, it’s that when Katie makes something super weird, it’s good. Actually, she’ll probably win. Melissa is making a roast vegetable salad. RUH ROH, I’m nervous again! She could be praised for making something different (especially if everyone else is making something protein-heavy), but salads have been historically dangerous on Top Chef. Mei is making duck fat roasted cabbage with trout vinaigrette, I think. I feel like that sounds like something I should not be this into, but I am. I really, really am. Keriann, meanwhile, is just totally fucked. No two ways around it. First of all, she was going to make dessert. ::buzzer sound:: That’s mistake number one. THEN, the dessert wasn’t working, so she’s decided to switch to venison. ::buzzer sound:: That’s mistake number two, because I’m pretty sure venison is hella hard to cook and takes a really long time. One more buzzer sound, Keriann, and you might be toast.

Katsuji and some of the other chefs are having a tough time dealing with all the smoke and heat. During this little montage, I try (and fail) to not sing “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” by The Platters, “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” from Evita, and “Hot in Herre” (the Jenny Owen Youngs version).

Seated at the Top Chef Thanksgiving table we have the judges, guest judge Chef Ken Oringer (who looks like a regular Zoolander with his shirt unbuttoned), plus descendants from both the Wampanoag Tribe and the Plymouth colonists. The table is shockingly less tense than I would’ve anticipated.

The first four chefs serve and Doug’s history lesson backfires a bit- rabbit is usually served whole and everyone just picks it apart. The flavor is great, though. Katsuji makes roasted pumpkin with poached lobster, which somehow works. Tom praises Stacy’s ramp-smoked clams as really flavorful and rustic. And then- PRAISE! The judges enjoyed Melissa’s roast vegetable side, so I don’t have to spend the rest of the episode freaking out.

In other news, we learn from the little commercial-break Top Chef interlude that Gail is Canadian! I probably should’ve known this already, because I have a little crush on her. It seems like 80% of my celebrity crushes are Canadian. Anyway. Gregory’s goose is hard! No! I’m scared, but, also, it’s very cute that everyone seems to come together to try and help him (#friendship). The next chefs present their food, and, shockingly, the judges are also into Adam’s protein-less succotash. And again, Katie’s weird stuffing pays off! This is remarkable!

Mei’s trout/cabbage/duck thing is a hit, too! Guys, the judges like everything so far, what’s going to happen?! Gregory’s goose is toothsome (what a great word), but they don’t even hate that because it’s flavorful and had a high level of difficulty. OK, well that means Keriann’s venison is probably shitty, right? No! Not even! They like it all!

OH FUCK. It sounds like Melissa is on the bottom, along with Gregory, Keriann, and Stacy. I feel like it’s gotta be Melissa or Stacy going home, because they both had some backstory exposition tonight.

At Judge’s Table, Katsuji, Mei and Doug are on top. The judges really loved all of their food, but there can only be one winner and it is Katsuji! As an immigrant, he’s pumped to win this challenge in particular, and he’s definitely grown on me over the past few episodes.

NO! Stacy, Melissa, and Gregory are in the bottom. I don’t want any of them to go home. Stop it, Padma, you stop it right now. They ask Gregory if perhaps he bit off more than he could chew, and he says yes. They ask Melissa if perhaps she made too simple of a dish, but she stands by it saying that she was happy with the execution. They ask Stacy if she’s feeling hometown pressure, which seems kind of irrelevant, but what do I know?

After the customary build up, we learn that Stacy is going home. I’m legitimately shocked-it seemed like they liked her clams a lot, but I guess they liked them the least out of all the other awesome dishes. Stacy takes the news really, really well. Like, so well. She’s really relieved to have the hometown pressure off her back. I love that she says “Fuck the Yankees” to Adam, because of course she does. I’ll miss that little firecracker. Also, if any of you guys are in Brookline, I highly recommend visiting Stacy’s restaurant The Regal Beagle. It’s delicious.

Next week on Top Chef, I think there might not be a next week, because instead of an episode teaser, they have a mid-season montage. We get to see Padma in overalls again, though, so I’m not mad about it.

(p.s. AfterEllen’s comment section is down for a few days, so feel free to harass me about geese, stallions, or borscht on twitter @jennalykes)

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