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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.5): Foiled Again

Previously on Top Chef: Boston, Swayze and Rebecca were sent home, and I almost completely lost my shit over how much I despise Aaron. No, seriously, I wish you could’ve seen me while I was writing the recap- I was worked up. In an effort to keep my blood pressure down, I’ve decided to try to keep the Aaron comments to a minimum this week. He’s not worth any of our time or anger, so I will just refer to him as DoucheBro when necessary.

This week, the chefs are back at home, unwinding after the last challenge. Boston Stacy is in a real dark place right now; she thought she was one of the chefs going home for sure. Katsuji continues to be the house jokester. Napoleon compares living with Katsuji to having a brother, which is so exactly right that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before! Everyone has one of those friends, that guy who is the little brother you never had (or wanted)-mine is named Ben. (Hi, Ben!) Anyway, this realization makes me like Katsuji a whole lot more. It’s a new day and the chefs are back in the kitchen where they meet this week’s guest judge, James Beard Award Winner Jamie Bissonnette. Padma introduces the Quickfire Challenge basically the same way I would introduce a cage match to the death. There’s a lot of talk about sizing up the competition and the blood lust is palpable. Padma will call a chef’s name, the chef will then choose their competitor. The competitor gets to chose the method of cooking and the protein.

::Pause for Reynolds product placement break because they’re giving the winner $10k:: Katsuji chooses DoucheBro, to teach him “how real chefs behave” and I like Katsuji even more now. Napoleon chooses HipAdam to “knock him down a peg,” which I also appreciate. Just generally speaking, I think people should be on lower pegs than they usually are. There’s also probably a short guy joke here that I’m totally not going to make, because Doug is growing on me. (Damnit, I guess I kind of made one anyway oops I’m sorry.)

Keriann sees that Stacy is really vulnerable right now and she’s just like, “Yes, I’ll definitely choose Stacy and exploit her insecurities.” Not a bad tactic, I guess. Ruthless, but smart. Melissa is the last chef to actively choose, because only Katie, Gregory, and Mei are left. Probably Melissa sings “One Of These Things (is Not Like The Others)” in her head and then obviously chooses Katie. Gregory and Mei are left to battle one another. Two chefs enter, one chef leaves. The chefs have their usual thirty minutes for a quickfire, so they all run willy nilly around the kitchen and chat about their dishes. HipAdam hilariously explains that he brings a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain flair, that his competitors does not, and then his pot flares up. EDITING, GUYS, GOTTA LOVE IT. ::slow clap::

Katie is making baked beans out of pine nuts, which, I won’t lie, is kind of blowing my mind. How, even? Melissa talks about her advantage over Katie, and now I’m scared that she’s going to lose this and potentially even go home this week. I get really worried, really easily.

Mei mentions that she’s been making dumplings since she was an infant, basically, and now I’m worried that she is going to go home. If Mei loses this quickfire, her family will never speak to her again, probably, because they spent all that time teaching an infant to make dumplings and those are hours they will never get back.

Time’s up and the judging begins.

Battle Alpha Dog: Padma remarks on Gregory’s lack of dipping sauce, while telling Mei that she loves her black vinegar. The judges seem to like both dishes.

Battle BBQ: Chef Bissonnette asks Katie if she’s ever made those weird pine nut baked beans before, which could either mean they’re the worst thing ever or they are surprising and delicious. There is no in between. Melissa made a cold smoked and seared scallop.

Battle Salmon: Katsuji made a tasty looking little broth, and DoucheBro complains about not having enough time to brine his salmon. IDK maybe if you don’t have enough time, do something different? Whatever.

Battle Trout: TBH I wasn’t really paying attention to this one, but they had to cook trout in little REYNOLDS parchment paper bags. They both look like fine dishes.

Battle Flair/Flare: HipAdam and Napoleon’s mussels look similar, but HipAdam assures the judges that they will taste the difference.

Battle Salmon Champion: Katsuji! Fuck yeah!

Battle Flair/Flare Champion: Both were good, but Napoleon wins the day!

Battle Trout Champion: Keriann, because Stacy just cannot catch a goddamn break.

Battle BBQ Champion: Katie – curse those pine nut baked beans!! ::shakes fist::

Battle Alpha Dog Champion: First of all, Padma refers to them as “my little dumplings.” I honestly think she’s trying to kill me this season. Anyway, Gregory wins! He’s like, “Sorry about losing not only this challenge, but your entire family, Mei!” Overall Champion: Somehow, the guest judge works in a Green Monster reference, even though this challenge has nothing to do with baseball. Okay. Anyway, Gregory wins $10k! Gregory, have I mentioned how handsome you’re looking lately? Because, you are. (Protip: when people come into money, be extra nice to them.)

Elimination Challenge: It’s Quickfire winners vs. losers, because we haven’t seen enough aggression and fulfillment of personal vendettas yet tonight. They will be going head to head in a series of culinary battles that are, for some reason, represented by actual battles from the Revolutionary War. Because Boston.

The first team to get three wins is safe from elimination, and a chef from the losing team will be going home. Both the order and matchups are super important for this challenge. HipAdam wants some redemption, so he’s going first. Napoleon steps up to take him on for the rematch. Katsuji is cooking the second course for the winners, and DoucheBro wants another go at beating him. HipAdam is like, “Absolutely not, because you suck and I don’t want to lose.” Melissa steps up to battle Katsuji instead.

Gregory is cooking next for the winners so, of course, Mei wants to battle him. YAS. I love it. Keriann and Stacy take the next battle, another rematch, which leaves Katie and DoucheBro for the last course. No one is shocked when DoucheBro is douchey and makes disparaging remarks about Katie.

Because war is hard, each team only has $1000 to feed 100 people. After that, they will serve the judges, so it sounds like a long ass day. Things are definitely tense this episode between the personal head-to-head battles and the budget restrictions.

The team leaders take very different strategies with their teams. Gregory is a hands on captain, tasting everyone’s food and making sure everything is up to par. Adam, meanwhile, is kind of just like, “Yeahhhhh, I mean, I’m your “leader,” I guess. If you want to label things, that is, which I’m totally not into. Plus, you guys are still my competition so y’all can handle your own business.”

The chefs are cooking outside, and it’s all very picturesque and New England. Melissa is concerned about the texture of her soup, but probably not as concerned as I am. DoucheBro’s dashi broth spills on the ground and he “doesn’t know how that possibly happened.” I have an idea, though, because DoucheBro works like a total slob-just throwing shit around and being messy and the worst. Luckily for him, Mei, the beautiful, generous starfish that she is, gives his some instant dashi so at least he has something.

The judges arrive and I think they’re talking about muskets, but I’m not really sure because this happens:

Ahem. Anyway, the battles begin!

Battle One (mussel rematch edition): HipAdam basically makes a grits bowl, which-let me tell you-is one of the most satisfying things you could ever eat. Seriously. Next time you’re hungover- have some friends over, make a big pot of grits, and get some garnish prepared (shrimp, bacon, avocado, green onion, eggs, etc.). You guys can all make your own grits bowls and start drinking again, and it will save your life. I really can’t stress this enough.

A very happy grits bowl birthday brunch for @ridleyw

A photo posted by Jenna Lykes (@jennalykes) on Jan 1, 2014 at 9:52am PST

IF YOU ONLY LISTEN TO ONE THING I SAY, LET IT BE “MAKE YOUR OWN GRITS BOWLS” Napoleon makes a really tasty looking beef tartare, but Tom nitpicks and thinks it could be seasoned a little more. Adam is the winner! It proves, once again, that grits bowls really can save the world.

Battle Two: Katsuji has a panic attack, which is scary, but luckily his team steps in to help him. I fucking love friendship. His tostada is a little too rich and oily. Melissa’s soup is on the thin side, but the flavors were good. Padma picks Melissa to win, but all the stupid boys pick the other stupid boy. (Okay, fine, that’s not true, I’m just mad. Whatever.) Katsuji wins.

Battle three (alpha dog rematch edition): Gregory’s curry is seasoned perfectly and I think Tom fell in love with him a little. Mei’s beef is perfectly cooked and her quick kimchi is awesome. Gregory wins! This one hurt me on a very deep level, because I wanted them to somehow tie. Alas, this isn’t a kindergarten t-ball game, and someone had to win. (Tangent: Definitely don’t ask your older brother to keep score at your t-ball game, because other parents will get mad.)

Battle four: If Keriann is able to kick Stacy while she’s down again, the blue team will win. Stacy made some beets, Keriann made a meatball with jam. Padma and Tom disagree about the meatball.

Padma: I think the meatball could’ve been just a hair more moist. Tom: Jesus, what’d you make that meatball with, sand?
Stacy wins! And thank god for that, because I don’t know if she could’ve handled another blow right now.

Last Battle: It’s down to the wire because of course it is. I’m conflicted, because I always want DoucheBro to lose, but I’m nervous that Melissa will be up for elimination if he does. DoucheBro made “Asian spaghetti and meatballs” and his noodles are dumb and his broth is from a box, so.

Katie’s stout cake is tasty and solid, it’s just not that exciting. DoucheBro makes an asinine comment about there not being chocolate cake in war. Hugh’s like, “Yeah, but the revolutionary war soldiers were all the time slurping down scallop noodles.”

If this was about being historically accurate, someone should’ve made some fucking hardtack. But no one did, because that shit is disgusting, and this is a cooking competition. JUST STFU DOUCHEBRO.

Anyway, Katie wins! SUCK IT! I’m pumped DoucheBro lost (especially to Katie), but if Melissa goes home I will not rest until justice has been served. (I don’t know how, yet, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.)

At Judges’ Table, Tom praises them for stepping up their games and making better food. The entire red team is up for elimination, and Tom’s like, “So, how many of you are cutthroat assholes who didn’t really care about your team and just didn’t want to get eliminated? All of you? Good.” He then proceeds to stroke a pet cat that came out of nowhere while twisting his mustache and grinning maniacally.

Adam is safe because, again, and I can’t oversell this enough, grits bowls are like heaven in your mouth. Mei is also safe because duh. I’m SO incredibly nervous for Melissa, I am having a physical reaction- my heart is racing and my palms are sweating and I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. DoucheBro’s dish was dumb and the judges are wondering if Adam let him make it even though he knew the dish would fail. At the end of the day, though, it’s not up to Adam to make DoucheBro be a decent chef. Even though she won her battle, Stacy’s up for elimination because Keriann’s dish was just that bad.

The moment of truth. One way or another, I am probably going to lose it.

DOUCHEBRO IS PACKING HIS KNIVES! PRAISE! THERE IS JUSTICE IN THE WORLD! I don’t even care what bullshit he’s saying as he leaves, because I’m not going to let him ruin my high right now.

Next week on Top Chef: I think Tiffani is back (hey girl!), Ocean Spray is sponsoring, and the chefs have to do some old-timey cooking.

 

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