“Tool Academy” mini-cap: “Appreciation”

Last week Tool Academy did not air and therefore a piece of my soul died. Luckily, I have no soul. The VH1 executives must have been watching the Academy Awards and forgot to push play on the Tool’s newest episode, “Appreciation.”

True to VH1’s classy style, in the first two minutes of this episode the remaining Tools discuss their growing sexual tension and morning “hard ons.” Did I really just type that? Excuse me while I go wash my typing fingers.

Ok, I’m back. The Tools must report to the therapy room to find their partners not in attendance.

Trish informs the Tools that they most come to terms with the lack of appreciation that they give to their partners and this classroom exercise will surely do the trick.

VH1 heads to the 99 cent store and glams up the hallway to create a wedding chapel fit for a Tool.

The Tools will be confronted on losing their partner for good by watching them marry someone else. Am I the only one annoyed at these nonchalant staged weddings, when most gay couples in the world aren’t allowed to legally marry?

The “priest” begins, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today at the Tool Academy…” I shouldn’t mock this because the wedding chapel I was married in had bulletproof windows and pimp cups.

Jordan can’t stop shaking and it gets so bad has to take off his “Michael Jackson glove.” That’s harsh.

But what did Jordan expect? Rachel wants to be comforted in their relationship but Jordan constantly blows her off to watch the Yankees. As a Red Sox fan, I totally get it.

Jacob is up next. As Christie walks down the aisle Jacob jumps up in Christie’s face and says, “Where are you going? What are you doing?”

Dude, she’s walking down the fake wedding aisle to marry her fake husband. Weren’t you paying attention when Trish explained all this earlier?

Jacob warns everyone, “Someone is going to get f—ed up!”

When the “priest” asks the fake husband and Christie to join hands, Jacob jumps up and Christie calls for security. But security never comes.

Where is security? I’m pretty sure the security department is also the art department and they are too busy returning extra streamers to the 99 cent store to jump in and protect the cast and staff.

To calm Jacob down Christie says, “What, do you think we’re going to get freaky right here?” This is VH1, so, yes!

Tommy is up next. Kate complains that he can’t focus and needs “to know that Tommy will not be distracted in important times.”

Enter mouse. Yes, seriously, a mouse pops up and scares Tommy right out of his seat.

Rodents, really? VH1 has finally outdone themselves. Apparently Tool Academy is shot in the Penguin’s lair.

Don’t worry Kate will take care of it, “I’ll kill it, you go wait in the other room!”

PETA’s ears are bleeding and so are mine.

Our token lesbian tool Courtney cries as she watches Cheron marry another.

No offense Courtney, but Cheron’s fake wife is kind of hot.

It’s Kevin’s turn to watch his wife marry another, and he is pissed.

He calls his wife’s beau a “fake ass wanna-be-Denzel-looking dude,” and warns “I know you’re an actor but I’ll go to jail tonight, straight up.” Straight up?

Straight up, now tell me
Do you really wanna love me forever?
Oh, oh, oh
Or am I caught in a hit-and-run?
Straight up, now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together
Oh, oh, oh
Or are you just havin’ fun?

Great video, look it up.

Kevin tries to reason with Jermika, “We didn’t even get married this fast! We got married in your mom’s kitchen.” Once again, there is no judgment from me. Did I mention the bulletproof windows at my wedding?

It’s time for the APPRECIATION Challenge.

The Tool’s must prepare a dinner party in their partner’s honor. Tools will be doing all the cooking and the best cook wins some private time in the conjugal visit room. And by "private" I mean there are cameras, so we’re all going to see what’s going on. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth. I feel so bad for the production assistant who has to clean up after the conjugating.

Jordan says he’s going to cook his ass off and hopes that he wins the prize and warns the cameras that they aren’t allowed to shoot in the conjugal visit room (pun intended).

The Tools arrive at the grocery store and do what all tools do, bench press meats, open gallons of milk and guzzle them in the aisle, chug beers and throw food at each. When did Tool Academy become Home Alone 4?

Back home, the Tools have two and a half hours to cook their meals. Two and a half hours? Rachel Ray has some great 30-minute meals if you guys want to speed up the process.

 

The dinner bell has been rung and the dishes come out of the kitchen. Tommy is drunk (what else is new?) and Courtney is mauling Cheron at the dinner table.

Cheron needs her space while dining on American cheese lasagna and shrimp cocktail, but Courtney wants to get her freak on.

What’s wrong with a little lady loving during dinner? Seriously, who hasn’t had intercourse while dining on cheese fondue?

The vote is in and winning dish belongs to Angelo!

Angelo and Dayna head to conjugal visit room which is covered in rose petals, chocolate and body fluids.

Angelo says he deserves the prize most of all because “I’m the worst Tool here, maybe the second.”

The cameras are on, but Angelo is not getting laid tonight. Sorry Angelo, time to head back to your Tool twin bed alone.

Dayna heads back to her headquarters only to be greeted with drama.

Apparently, Kyle and Christie flirt too much and Dayna doesn’t like it. So Christie calls Dayna a Chihuahua (to me she resembles a Shih Tzu) and they throw water and tomatoes at each other.

Now it’s time to find out who is getting a merit badge and who is going home.

All tools gather for a cheer. 1, 2, 3, “Tools. Tools. Tools!”

Do these people not realize that being a tool is a bad thing?

The appreciation merit badge is on the line, and the final two contestants fighting for the right to stay in the house are Courtney and Kevin.

Kevin is mad that Courtney is standing next to him “breathing like a rhino.”

Will Kevin’s anger management issues send him packing? Or will Courtney’s excessive dinner groping be her downfall?

Apparently lesbian loving is worse than physical violence, so Courtney is told that she is "just a tool" and sent home.

Courtney heads out to the driveway to meet Cheron and they stand together resembling bottles of ketchup and mustard.

Cheron finally puts her foot down and tells Courtney, “I’m a better woman because of this Academy. I will not be with you anymore. We are done. We are done!”

Cheron heads to the limo alone but Courtney is not letting her go that easily. Courtney quickly throws off her patent leather high-heels. Why is she wearing heels? And with her lesbian softball toss, Courtney accidentally pelts her shoes at Dayna’s head.

It happens.

Courtney starts running after the limo and Cheron calls for security, who’s apparently still at the 99 cent store returning props. Cheron slams the car door shut as it takes off.

Courtney runs after the limo or as Jermika puts it, “Courtney took off like a dog with three legs.”

Courtney cries to the camera, “She’s gone!”

The sun sets on our lesbian Tool’s journey so this will be the last recap of this masterpiece. I hope you have enjoyed this show as much as I have. And remember, no nookie at the dinner table because, apparently, that makes you a Tool.

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