Tina Fey talks to “Playboy”

I know I can’t be the only
one who was a little disappointed the subject line didn’t read “Tina
Fey poses for Playboy.” But I digress, already. That’s, like,
a land speed record. OK, seriously, back to Tina Fey

and why she is the coolest straight woman on the planet. Bold statements,
I make them. And Tina makes them too. In an interview for the January
issue of Playboy, the 30 Rock
star is her usual delightfully candid self.

Paula Abdul
“was awful” on Saturday Night Live. Paris Hilton
is “a terrible role model and a terrible young woman.” Jessica
Alba
“has an amazing, gorgeous body.” It’s like she is quoting
from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident.

Playboy apparently names
Tina the “Goddess of Geeks” in the issue. Since I refuse to go to
the site to verify, I tracked down the cover instead to make sure Tina
is indeed interviewed inside. And yep, there she is, to the left of
America’s Next Top Model
winner and Brady-by-marriage Adrianne
Curry
. I brown-bagged the cover so you too can see the headline —
just in case you’re having a hard time believing Tina would talk to
the bunny rag.

But talk she did, and hold back
she didn’t. About Paula’s 2005 appearance on SNL:

“I was pregnant at the time
and probably a little moody, but I remember thinking, ‘She’s a disaster!
I gotta prop this lady up and get her on TV.’ … A year later I saw
her on a flight. We both looked at each other like, ‘Do I know that
girl?’ And then we both had the same moment of recognition, and she
was like ‘uuuggh.’ I saw it register on her face that she
had had a terrible time with us.”

About saying Paris was a “piece
of s—” and “looks like a tranny up close” on Howard Stern
last year
:

“I regret sinking down to
that level of discourse. But Paris is a terrible role model and a terrible
young woman. She needs to be ignored. I work with people who have 12-,
13-, 14-year-old girls who are fascinated by her. They look up to her,
and that’s not great. You can buy videotapes in which you can see
her (slang word for female genitalia).”

About how hilariously corporate
network chief Jack Donaghy (played by the hilariously deadpan Alec
Baldwin
) is based on Tina’s former SNL boss
Lorne Michaels
:

“I may be the only SNL alumnus
who has created a character based on Lorne who’s not lying about
it.”

And about her near-death experience at the hands of Will Ferrell:

“Will Ferrell tried to stab
me once. We had been up all night writing skits for the guy from
Dawson’s Creek
James Van Der Beek. And you know, it was

SNL, so we were all hopped up on goofballs, out of our minds on
quaaludes and horse antibiotics. I foolishly made a disparaging joke
about Will’s skit. I was like, ‘Really, dude? A hat salesman who’s
afraid of hats? That’s the best you can come up with?’ And he lunged
at me with a letter opener. I remember thinking, ‘This guy’s a genius.
It would be an honor to be killed by him.’”

While the Paula and Paris disses
may be attracting the most attention, it’s her tough talk on body
image
that had
me smiling:

“When I was growing up, to
have a good body you actually had to have a good body. You know what
I mean? You had your shape, and whatever your God-given shape was, that
was your shape. But now — and this is what these young Hollywood ladies
seem to do — even if you don’t have a great body, you can lose a lot
of weight and get super skinny, get a fake tan and fake t-ts, and you’re
in the game. Just get super-duper skinny. Some women are the real deal,
like Jessica Alba. She has an amazing, gorgeous body. But for some of
these other chicks, the closest they can get to a body like that is
to remove everything that’s there and add a little something on
top. It’s like the ladies you see in Playboy.”

Oh, dude: She just slammed
the very magazine interviewing her. Nice.

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