This Halloween, dress for excess

 
 

When it comes to Halloween, lesbians are at a disadvantage. Gay men thrive on dressing up, whether in drag or other meticulously designed costumes. In Dallas, we have a street party attended by more incarnations of Cher, Bette Midler, Star Jones and Judy Garland than you’ll see in Vegas. But most lesbians seem to be dressed in UPS uniforms, tuxedos and leather. In other words, they’re wearing what they wear every day — sort of.

So, what’s a dyke to do? Surely, we can be a little creative this year. As a public service, AfterEllen.com has been trolling the interweb to find suggestions for even the laziest lesbo.

Hot couples: Anyone who’s anyone can be mocked for Halloween.

Sam and Lindsay: a fedora and headphones for Sam and a skimpy outfit for Lindsay. You’ll need lots of eye makeup for both, depending on how much sleep you’ve been getting.

Callie and Erica: Scrubs and a stethoscope or two are all you need for clothing. The key to pulling this off will be in the goofy, over-the-moon expressions.

Ellen and Portia: This seems to be a popular choice, but I am skeptical that anyone could actually do this couple convincingly. Post a picture if you can prove me wrong.

L Word couples: One of my favorite lesbian costumes was the couple that came as Bette, Tina and Angelica. They had attached a baby doll’s arms with some kind of industrial elastic and each hung on to an arm while they stretched her around the room. It’s funnier with beer.

Not-so-hot couples: Anyone else can be mocked, too.

Mike and Mom: if you’re going partying with your pumped GBF (gay boyfriend), you can be Michael Phelps and his mom. He’ll be the life of the party with his abs and his gold medals and you’ll get points for being a good sport. Yeah, it’s a little creepy, but hey, it’s Halloween.

Disney couples: for those of you who will wait until the day of the party to think about a costume, then rush to the costume shop where the only outfits left are storybook characters, never fear. Snow White and Alice in Wonderland may be boring alone, but as a lesbian couple? They rock.

Puns: Some lesbians really hate costumes that rely on word play. Personally, I’m a sucker for a punny outfit. It’s cheap and easy — but enough about me.

Indigo Girl: All you need is blue face paint and a denim shirt and pants. Admit it — you laughed.

Behind the Times: Get a New York Times, take the front-page spread, cut two eyeholes and attach it to your clothes. Hey, don’t throw things at your computer screen.

Names in the news: Somewhat predictable, sometimes hilarious.

Sarah Palin: Predicted to be the No. 1 costume this year. Halloween shops are selling out of wigs, glasses and Miss Alaska sashes; but my guess is that the best Sarah’s will be drag queens. Why not get a group and go as the rest of the Palin family? Bristol and Levi are the stuff snarky lesbian dreams are made of. Or fool everyone and go as Tina Fey. Just be sure to glue your ears back.

Joe the Plumber: You already have the tool belt and plunger. (Wash it first. Thanks.) I advise going with a jumpsuit instead of the butt-crack look, but that’s just me. A friend of mine who looks like Nancy McKeon is going as Jo the Plumber. That could be my favorite Halloween costume ever.

As for me, I’m going to ride the wave of True Blood and Twilight and dust off my blonde punk wig and cape. My eyes are blue enough that with a generous glob of black eyeliner, they look really spooky. You won’t recognize me, seriously.

What about you? What are you going to be for Halloween? Any ideas for the rest of us?

 
 

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