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“Thintervention” recap 1.5: Making lesbian lemonade

Last night’s episode of Thintervention went just like all of the other episodes. Seriously, the casting directors picked some of the laziest S.O.B.s to walk the earth and get filmed while doing so.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I’d like to think being filmed for a television show and being trained by a super-human would force me to work harder than I’ve ever worked before. For some of these people it seems as though it’s having the opposite effect.

Two of our brightest stars, Bryan and Joe, have changed their relationship with food and have continued working hard. Joe is seeing results and making me want to throw up as he drinks two egg yolks whole.

Stacy tells us how frustrated she is with the program. She didn’t lose any weight last week and says she couldn’t have done any better with her eating or exercising than she already has. She also says someone, and it’s not her, is a jackass. Don’t keep us in suspense Stacy, who is it? Jackie Warner, of course! She says that even though Jackie is a jackass, she really loves her milkshake.

Jackie tells Craig she knows those bitches are lying about what they’re eating. The meals they report to her are small salads with some green beans and that’s it. I’m starving just thinking about it and it seems like they could be screwing themselves up by not eating enough.

Since Joe and Shay are still on the injured list, Jackie has chosen to modify the group’s workout so as to prove to these slackers they can continue working out even when certain parts of their body are screaming for them to stop.

They will be focusing on their arms because all of them want to have Jackie’s arms (including me). Cut to shots of Jackie flashing her arm muscles and then immediately cut to Mandy’s face in a half-smile/half-drool. I swear, every time Jackie does something remotely sexy, they cut to a shot of Mandy smiling.

Jackie Wisdom: Whether she’s training someone for a red carpet event or only has ten days to get someone smaller — she focuses on the shoulders because the more they can get “that V,” (I’m positive she’s not referring to the “V” I’m thinking about) the smaller they’ll appear.

Shay and Joe will work with Craig and everyone else will get their Jackie on. Joe feels empowered and loves who he is turning into.

Nikki hates the up and downs, but her cleavage is fantastic.

Mandy says she thinks Nikki sells herself short and has more strength in her than she knows.

Joe’s mommy issues are coming out again and he’s pissed that Jackie is spending more time training Nikki. He says there’s no way in hell Nikki will get to the beautiful body Jackie is looking for in them, but he will. He also forgets that he has always had the least amount of weight to lose out of all of the participants.

 

Craig tells Shay he won’t let the heavy bar “crush her tits.” I believe him, because gay men love boobs.

Bryan has been working hard and is starting to see changes in himself. Now, is it just me or do they always go in slow motion to make us feel as though someone is about to have a heart attack?

When the workout is done, Jackie addresses her concerns that they’re not following the program and I’m shocked to find out she agrees with me! Shay and Stacy have been skipping meals and therefore they aren’t following the program. When you skip meals, your body stores your fat. Apparently then the next time you eat something after starving yourself it also gets stored as fat. So then how come I have so much fat when I’m constantly eating?

If you’re not eating every three hours, you’re not following the program. Stacy has to go to the doctor to check on her PCOS, Jeana needs to give up her coconut shrimp and she needs to stop saying yes and just do it. Nikki needs to work out more, stay home more and stop partying. Ready, break.

Nikki loves her Skyping and her cigarettes and keeps getting busted by Jackie, who has brought her a bunch of food. I think Jackie might have a little crush on Nikki. She frustrates me to no end, but out of all of them, I’d hang out with Nikki.

Jackie wants to know about Nikki’s sex life. Nikki starts talking about it and I can’t even bear to type it all out. In fact, I think she made my dogs blush.

Changing the subject, Jackie tells Nikki she needs to catch up with the rest of the group — to which Nikki says they’re all still fat and hideous but she’s going to try anyway.

Jackie doesn’t believe her, and she probably shouldn’t — so she’s going to watch her like a hawk, which is really just what Nikki wanted and probably a bit of what Jackie wanted too. I mean, you don’t see her busting down the door to hang with Stacy do you?

The following day, Jackie goes to surprise Nikki with another check-in but she won’t answer her phone or her door. She leaves frustrated and checks up on Joe at the house he’s renovating.

She says she’s come to train him and he says, “If life gives you muscled-up lesbian lemons, I guess you make lemonade.” I’m refraining from punching him through the screen with my fleshy lesbian lemons.

Jackie says Joe has accused her many times of favoring Nikki and she has seen that and has come to redeem herself. What she doesn’t tell him is that she went to Nikki’s place first thing that morning.

Joe does some pushups on balls, some boxing drills and some ferret face exercises.

Jackie calls over Jeana and Mandy to join them and lets the sexual innuendos fly: “We’re gonna get dirty and wet today.”

They workout in the rain and Mandy is wearing what appears to be skinny jeans? Is that possible? Jeana needs a wake up call, she continues to not work up to her potential.

Jackie asks Bryan to check in on Nikki and he finds her cocktailing in West Hollywood. So, he stages a little bit of an intervention. She puts the kibosh on the confrontation and goes back to her cocktail.

Stacy checks in with the doctor to look in on her PCOS which apparently makes it really hard to lose weight. Unfortunately for her, she has to cut out another 700 calories from her weekly plan.

Jackie next shows up at Shay’s door where she is fishing out a piece of string cheese from her boobs. Kim, Shay’s mom, is there and looks great because she’s still following the program even though she had to end her journey early. Jackie tries to reason with Shay and figure out where there’s a problem in her diet. Shay continues to say she hasn’t cheated so that’s Jackie’s cue to leave.

Extreme Workout day has come and the participants head to some kind of kickboxing area where Jackie is kicking some boxing mitt ass! Bryan doesn’t like the thought of boxing, Stacy is pumped on it and thinks she’s going to rock this workout.

Mixed martial arts makes Bryan’s vagina boil — I’m wondering if he has PCOS too.

Mandy’s pheromones were radiating from her body so naturally the instructor chooses to use her as an example, grabs her and throws her onto the ground while hovering over her. Jeana can’t wait for it to be her turn to get man-handled by the trainers.

Unfortunately for her, she gets partnered with Stacy and never gets to be thrown on the ground by a big grunting man.

Bryan finds the workout gay — both as in lame and as in homosexual. With the amount of tea bagging going on, I totally agree. The trainers hurt Bryan’s back and he just wants to “finish the effing workout!”

Afterward, Mandy decides to invite Bryan, Stacy and Nikki over for some food. Stacy, once again, is the subject of Nikki’s harassment — especially when her blind date is brought up. Lucky for Stacy, momma Mandy is there to threaten throwing blueberries at Nikki. That stuff stains ya’ll.

Stacy turns diva and tells us Nikki’s teasing doesn’t bother her, she knows she is beautiful, talented and has no problems getting men, “Trust.” Mmmhmm, OK.

Fast forward to Stacy’s blind date where she gestures with her hands. He seems mildly interested. She talks and talks and he says “Yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah.” She tells, what I’m assuming is another joke, where she says someone came up to her and says she looks like someone who works out, but the punch-line obviously fell flat on her date. Also, the editors obviously do not like her.

It’s group therapy session everybody — and now I need to refresh my drink.

Jackie tells everyone she wants to switch things up and jump right into the weigh-in. This perks everyone’s ears up to “Oh crap” status and I already know the lie-detector man is coming, which has always been my favorite part of the Maury show, Ricki Lake, Jenny Jones and the short-lived Tempestt Bledsoe show (yes that did exist but I’m not sure if there were lie-detectors).

Joe lost three, Mandy lost four, Bryan admits that he hated the mixed martial arts challenge because he was gay-bashed in high school and it brought back bad memories. But look how fabulous he is now and how hot his boyfriend is! And he lost six pounds.

Jeana gained a pound and wonders how she did that, even though she could’ve eaten better and worked harder. Shay lost three but should’ve lost five or six. Stacy gives excuses even before stepping on the scale. She lost one pound and pouts; she throws her hands up in the air and can’t make sense of it. I want to punch her in the face. She turns on the water-works because Jackie doesn’t trust her. I can’t wait for the lie-detector man.

Nikki gained two pounds this week and can only say, “Wow, that’s embarrassing.” Yep.

Lie detector man! Loving you Jackie Warner! Bryan, Joe and Mandy don’t need to take the polygraph because their pants aren’t on fire.

Shay volunteers to go first. It seems as though Nikki may have had more than 22 cocktails this week, in which case she’s doing a lot worse than me.

If Jeana were Pinocchio, her nose would stretch cross-country. Nikki totally had more than 22 cocktails this week. Stacy not only ate more than her allotted calories, she also ate a lot of fruit sugars, which is bad for her PCOS. When she gets called out on her BS, she acts as though everyone just needs to move on.

Mandy thinks she can make a positive impact in Nikki’s life and wants her to live with her family for a week. Bryan says Jeana can live with him for a week. No one wants Shay or Stacy and I’m not shocked. Meanwhile I am bingeing on the new Wheat Thins fire roasted tomato stix, they’re pretty good.

Next week, special guest Robin Antin (creator of the Pussycat Dolls) will make everyone feel like a real woman (including, and maybe especially, Bryan).

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