“The Real World: Washington, D.C.” mini-cap: Happy Panda, Sad Piano

 
 

Last week on The Real World, resident horn-dork and hapless sexual predator Andrew meets a girl who reduces him to a giggling and stuttering pile of goo, and Erika ramps up her rhetoric about leaving the house, raising the threat level from yellow to orange.

Andrew meets a girl named Andrea, who seems charmed by his oddness, and they hit it off. He lumbers back into the house, grinning from ear to ear. “She tastes like Juicy Fruit!” proclaims Andrew. “I want to marry her, and I want to picnic with her, and I want to sing on top of a mountain with trumpets playing… flutes…” He stares off into space. Cartoon birds, hearts, and stars float around his head. The panda is smitten.

The cast members go to a soccer game, but Erika is sad. She goes home and plays sad songs on the keyboard.

Andrew readies for a date with Andrea by spraying women’s perfume all over himself, to Emily’s horror. “But it smells good!” exclaims Andrew, possibly even earnestly. “How does Andrew think he’s going to get any when he sprays girl perfume on himself before he leaves for a date?” ponders Emily out loud to the camera.

The date goes well, because Andrew and Andrea end up in the hot tub afterwards. Andrea reveals that she has been married before and that, when she realized that her ex husband wasn’t right for her, she was strong enough to walk away. Serious music plays in the background. Andrew’s response, “Uh…” and then, “Oprah would be proud.” Someone send this kid to charm school.

They continue chatting in bed. Andrew asks how it feels to be in love. Andrea is a bit surprised to hear that he has never been in love. This awkward exchange somehow leads to the two of them having sex. Cut to a still of the full moon above the Real World House, which I doubt was a coincidence.

The next day, Andrew is confused that he wants to carry on conversations with Andrea instead of just sleeping with her. This has never happened on the Panda Wildlife Channel, and poor Andrew’s synapses start to misfire. He asks Ty for relationship advice.

Andrew: Have you ever, like, been intrigued?
Ty: Like what?
Andrew: Like, have you ever wanted to talk to her?
Ty: A girl?
Andrew: Yeah.
Ty: In life? [Laughs incredulously]
Callie: [Ty] had a girlfriend for three years!
Ty: What do you think I am? An asshole?

Andrew then confesses on camera that he doesn’t trust women. “Aristotle once said, ‘no one trusts a woman, not even a woman,’” he says. In a rare moment of straightforwardness, Andrew reveals that his mother cheated on his dad, and that while she is generally a good mother, “as a wife, she is just a horrible, horrible person.”

And there we have it. Andrew is a misogynistic prick, because he has mommy issues. Nothing more to see here. Move along now.

Erika, Ashley and Callie watch a singer-songwriter perform, and Erika gets jealous, and sad, because she wishes she were the one on stage. Later, she applies for an internship with NPR, but she doesn’t get it, and she is sad.

Andrew goes out with the guys, and to help clear the way for Josh to hit on a girl named Isabella, Andrew entertains Isabella’s annoying Debbie Downer friend. “Yeah, I’ve got a girlfriend, but bros before hoes. Wingman comes first,” he says.

While Josh and Isabella make out in the hallway of The Real World house, Andrew takes Debbie Downer into the confessional, where he barely tolerates her attempts at conversation, which includes enlightening gems like the following: “I have Kim Kardashian eyebrows. See?”

Oh, but then who walk into the house? Andrea! Andrea sees Andrew and Debbie Downer in the confessional, and she turns around and walks upstairs in a huff.

Debbie Downer catches a glimpse of Andrea and decides to say nasty things about her, because insulting someone’s significant other is a sure-fire way of getting a boy interested in you. “Is that your girlfriend?” she hisses. And then, “Do you not have standards?” “She’s so ugly!” Andrew doesn’t know what to say but manages to stammer the following two sentences: “I like her a lot. I think I may be in love with her.” Mike swoops in and saves the day, telling Andrew that Andrea is upstairs, and he happily excuses himself. Upstairs, he bashfully hides under a pillow and apologizes. Then he tells her that he considers her his girlfriend, and they are happy.

A photograph that Callie took is chosen to be on the cover of a local gay magazine, and Erika becomes jealous, and sad. She retreats to the studio and plays sad songs on the keyboard. Then she tells Callie she is leaving the house. Again. But Callie is having none of it. Setting aside her trademark polite southern sensibilities, Callie opens a can of whoopass on Erika and tells her to sh-t or get off the pot, but in a weirdly inspiring and motivational way. Impressed by Callie’s fiery and strangely uplifting speech, Erika decides to stay (for now at least).

 
 

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