“The Real World: Washington, D.C” mini-cap: All in the family

 
 

At the beginning of the episode, Tanner comes to visit Mike, and they immediately start making out. Then they go straight to the bedroom, but then they decide that Tanner should meet the rest of the housemates before they get naked and hump like bunnies.

Upon meeting Tanner, Andrew confesses, “This whole time I kind of pictured Tanner as your prototypical gay guy — thin, high pitched voice, likes to talk about fashion — but he’s like this big ripped dude. I’m like, ‘I should have known better.’”

Andrew has come a long way this season. Not only has Andrew learned that women are people, too, he also learns that not all gay guys aspire to be Carson Kressley. Very good, Andrew. Maybe next he’ll learn something even more advanced like the fact that lesbians are into other women, and that excludes him. Baby steps, baby steps.

The roommates are nervous about going to Josh’s show, because Josh cannot sing, yet his ego tells him otherwise. They discuss whether they can get on the house list, because they feel that it would be a waste of money to pay to hear him sing.

Mike takes Tanner on a tour of D.C. They wear matching sunglasses and matching plaid knee-length shorts. Then they go into the HRC store and get matching promise rings. What a cute little lesbian couple!

Andrew and Ty drive to Philly to crash Josh’s cousin Carlos’ wedding. We discover that Josh’s mom is hot. So has Ty, who starts putting the moves on her. This displeases Josh, who wedges himself between her and Ty and tells Ty to step off.

Meanwhile, Mike and Tanner are parading around town in matching outfits again, handing out fliers promoting marriage equality for the HRC. Hey, if I cross my eyes, there are four queer boys! And they all look the same! Then Tanner leaves for home, and Mike is sad. But he doesn’t play sad songs on the piano like Erika, and he doesn’t leave, which makes us happy!

Back at the wedding, Ty dances with Josh’s mom, and they start inching closer and closer to each other. Josh stops in his tracks, walks over, grabs Ty by the shoulder and warns him, “You’re very close to my mother right now.” Josh considers punching Ty in the nose but ultimately decides against it.

Josh plays a show with his band, and MTV’s sound crew edits the tape to make him sound average, which is a huge improvement. Go, magical sound editors! Now if you can only help Taylor Swift. Oops, that slipped out. Moving along.

The phone rings back at the house. It is Tanner, who is calling from a locked bathroom. He has just come out to his mother, and his mother reacted poorly, saying she was disappointed in him and threatening to “sell the ranch.” We’re uncertain whether “sell the ranch” is a colloquialism for some obscure Colorado form of punishment, like making him ski up a black diamond slope while carrying a two gallon jug of water, or whether she will literally sell several acres of land populated with horses to show her displeasure that her son is gay — either way it’s illogical and probably not good. Mike goes into the confessional and cries.

Mike talks about the Tanner situation with the roommates. Josh tells the camera that his (hot) mother is bisexual and it took a while for her to come out to her family. Ty tells the roommates that the first time he met his ex-girlfriend’s father, “he came into the house, shook his head and walked out.” (Thirteen episodes into this season, and the roommates finally talk about real issues instead of yelling expletives at each other while drunk.)

Hi, stupid people of the world! If you can’t deal with your kids falling in love with anything but heterosexual Stepford clones then don’t breed. Get a dog instead &mdashh; and not a terrier, because they have minds of their own too, and you probably won’t be able to handle it. Get a golden retriever. And please don’t ever leave the house. Thank you.

Mike is more patient and thoughtful that I am, so this is what he says: “If your kid comes up to you and has enough courage to admit to you who they are truly, you better love them all the same, because that takes a lot of guts. Parents don’t realize it. They keep thinking of themselves, like how is this going to reflect on me? Oh, why do I have a gay kid? Why me? Why this? Think about your kid who is going through this! Tanner does not deserve to be judged by his family — or by anybody — for being gay.”

Tanner calls Mike. His parents are taking away his car, and he might get kicked out of the house. Mike offers him a place to stay when he gets back to Colorado. Someone needs to call Al Gayda to smack some sense into Tanner’s parents. Let’s hope tomorrow night Tanner is in a better place.

 
 

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