“The Real World: San Diego” recap: Episode 4

Previously on The Real World, Frank ran around and broke a bunch of dishes, scaring the tequila out of his roommates and leaving them with the option of eating off the floor or starving to death.

And so, this week, Frank goes to therapy.

On his way to the shrink, Frank admits he feels embarrassed to go to therapy. Don’t be embarrassed, Frank. Here in New York, therapy is the fifth out of the six life necessities, right behind food, water, shelter and sample sales. Therapy is the only thing preventing a city-wide civil breakdown. Chin up. Maybe you can even be referred to a psychiatrist, and you can get happy pills, the sixth life necessity.

Next the roommates go deep sea fishing and Nate gets bitten by a seagull. He responds by looking further down the food chain and bites into a live anchovy. Nate’s stomach immediately rejects the anchovy and it comes right back up, out of his mouth, and over the railing back into the ocean. Bye bye, anchovy. Happy trails!

“I can understand if you like sushi, but anchovies that are still flopping around are not good sushi,” Sam says wisely.

What does a lad do when he finds eating raw fish to be disagreeable?

“I want to go to a gay club because I want to stare the beast right in the mouth,” says Nate.

So Sam, Frank and Nate go to a gay club and, upon entering, Nate behaves as if he had been thrown into an Iraqi prison. A guy walks up to him and Nate’s response is “I’m not gay.” He repeats this sentence like Rain Man throughout the evening between shots of liquor. At some point, Nate sees Frank kissing a guy and reacts as if he has seen someone defecate into his cocktail.

I don’t think Frank is the only one on the show who needs therapy. Nate proceeds to bring two girls home, who promptly draw a mustache and polka dots on his face before leaving him stumbling around the Real World house in a daze.

Alexandra’s boyfriend Byron visits, but only hours into the visit, the two get into an argument about holding hands. Alexandra wants to hold Byron’s hand. He doesn’t seem to be eager to hold hers. He claims it is because Popsicle juice is on her hand. This argument literally takes up half the episode. It almost makes you yearn for another Franksplosion.

Next, Zach makes an announcement: “One of my roommates is 19, and she’s got fake boobs and she’s Mexican. We’re going to a barbecue at her house.” It’s a fourth of July barbecue at the humble abode of Priscilla’s mom, who appears to have been generous in providing financial assistance to enhance her daughter’s bosom. What a giving lady! On the way there, Alexandra and Byron continue to argue about holding hands. Compelling television, I know.

Nate makes an observation. “These people love Tequila and I do, too!” Ah, bridging cultural divides – it’s the American way.

Night falls and The Real World roommates and Priscilla’s entire extended family climb onto a balcony to watch the fireworks display. Inexplicably, Nate begins crying. Sam, the one with the highest emotional quotient in the house, goes to console him. Nate tells her that five people close to him committed suicide, including his best friend, and he is sad they could not be around to experience this moment with him.

The next day Frank agrees to let Priscilla cut his hair. Sam makes yet another wise statement: “I would never, ever in my entire life let her get anywhere near me with a pair of scissors.”

Priscilla manages to give Frank several bald spots; he ends up looking like his head withstood a meteor shower. Frank’s reaction is, of course, to fly into a blinding rage. He tears through the house screaming at anyone and everyone. At least Alexandra and Byron have stopped quibbling about touching hands tainted with Popsicle juice.

Zach, Nate, Sam and Ashley go to drinking in the morning, because that’s how they roll on The Real World. At a bar called Miller’s Field, Nate meets two entrepreneurs named Trevor and Travis, who manufacture a line of watches that are backed by various charities. Nate meets with the two the next day, and the three decide to work together to create a charity for suicide awareness.

Next week, Zach makes a comment about beating the gay out of Sam. While she could beat the stupid out of Zach, there would be nothing left, so I propose hiding his entire collection of skin products. As Zach said, there are very few things a grown man should cry about, and while losing access to home facials is not one of them, it would probably trigger a meltdown. Seeing Zach sob over beauty products would be ever so delicious.

God, are you there? Can you make this happen?

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