“The Real World: San Diego” recap: Episode 3

 
 

The episode begins with Nate, Nach and Frank having a male bonding experience. The discussion revolves around shooting guns, beating off in a cold shower and whether to grow a mustache. Zach remarks that Ashley said that hearing them talk kills brain cells, a conclusion that I don’t disagree with.

Zach then comes up with a stroke of genius: the roommates must adopt a pig. Zach and Nate contemplate in the confessional whether two daddies can adopt a pot bellied pig as a pet. If this helps them overcome their homophobia, I’m all about it.

Sam suggests that everyone goes to a gay bar. Zach looks at her as if someone asked him to recite the first hundreds digits of pi. He musters an “uh” and his eyes go blank. “If that’s what you guys feel you need to do,” he sputters. Frank is equally enthused. “The whole gay culture is not my thing,” he says, looking like a Pepto-Bismol pill in the most unsightly headband and bowtie combo ever recorded on camera, lending credence to his statement that gay culture probably isn’t his thing.

Ashley says that she, Zach and Nate don’t feel comfortable going to a gay bar. Like Paula Abdul, sometimes subsequent casts of The Real World take one step forward. This season, the cast has taken two steps back.

Frank announces that he is going to have sex that night. Clearly uncomfortable, Nate says that while he has no right to tell anyone when or who to bang, he would prefer if Frank does not hook up with a guy around him.

Frank and Sam roll out of the car into a gay club, and the rest of the roommates – with the exception of Priscilla – act like they are about to get cooties. Nate commands Priscilla to step on the gas – with a quickness. “Maybe my roommates haven’t been in situations where they’ve been around gay people and lesbians, but they completely act immature about it,” says Priscilla. Ah, wisdom from the mouths of babes.

After a few drinks, both Sam and Frank grab someone willing to make out with them on camera. Score!

Frank brings his makeout partner home and proceeds to hook up with him all over the house. The straight roommates are less lucky and return home with no makeout partners, totter in the front door to be greeted by a grinning shirtless Frank, who announces, “Hi, I’m having sex.”

The ever so manly Nate responds by shrieking like a little girl and running into the confessional. “What is going on?” he squeals. Nate, what part of, “Hi, I am having sex,” do you not understand? It seems pretty straightforward to me. Frank had game. You didn’t. Better luck next time.

Zach announces that he is ill. Nate says that if Frank were hooking up with a girl, he would be okay with it, admitting that this is a double standard and he is trying to come to terms with it. Zach has no intention of coming to terms with anything and just wants to bury his head in the sand and never come out of his room. If this means he is never on camera for the rest of the season saying more idiotic things about gays, I’m all for it.

Sam and Priscilla give Frank props and want to know more about the mystery man. “I walk in and your man’s face was plastered against the shower,” says Priscilla. Hi guys! Take note. Frank is a top. Then it is revealed that Frank got it on the hot tub and left a little present – a used condom – in the shower.

Zach takes it upon himself to ask Frank about the used condom, a question that is only slightly less delicate than Zach’s face, which is covered in a beauty mask most likely purchased at Sephora. Frank realizes that his roommates are uncomfortable about his one night stand and calls his mother, who is supportive but warns that other people may not be, such as his roommates – and his father – and that he needs to grow a thick skin.

Nate admits that he hasn’t slept in his room for days, that he still considers Frank a friend and has no problems with this character. It’s just that he is trying to get “acclimated to the situation.”

Recognizing the recent divide between Frank and the rest of the guys in the house, Sam and Priscilla take Frank outside and comfort him. 

Meanwhile, Zach, Nate and Ashley discuss how icky they feel about gay sex. “What am I supposed to think about [Frank] now?” contemplates Zach, wearing yet another beauty mask to protect his pretty face. The irony does not escape me.

After three days of the silent treatment from the guys, Frank decides to go out drinking with Sam. Meanwhile, Nate brings home yet another blonde, who thankfully isn’t named Dana, and they get it on in the hot tub, which – to quote Eminem – is getting more ass than a toilet seat. Nate takes blonde number three to his room, and a drunk Frank walks in, who tells the two to “Get the f–k out of my room.”

Frank continues to pick a fight with Nate, following Nate out into the living room, screaming that Nate hasn’t spoken to him “in three f—kng days.” “I was uncomfortable!” yells Nate. Then dishes start flying. “[Frank] should just never drink,” whispers Alexandra to Priscilla, who are cowering in a hallway.

Frank hides under a blanket in the stairwell.

“We were besties! What the f—!” screams Nate.

Is this the end of a rad bromance?

The next day Frank is nowhere to be seen.

The phone rings. Sam picks up. It is Frank calling from a hotel. Alexandra, Sam and Priscilla sit him down in a park, telling him that his drinking drives him to be violent and that the roommates are afraid of him when he gets to that state. Frank agrees not to drink so much and decides to go back to the Real World house.

As he makes this decision, a cute pot bellied pig walks up to the group, signaling the dawn of a kinder, gentler era.

Frank takes the roommates to a fancy dinner, which Zach gripes is too fancy for him. Hot wings must be better for the complexion. Later on, Nate thanks Frank for the dinner. “You know we’re best friends. I do apologize for being a homophobe and I’m sorry that I am that way,” he tells Frank. He tells Frank that once he musters up the courage, he will go to a gay bar with him and Sam. “If I’m afraid of a big pit of snakes, I will jump into a pit of snakes,” says Nate.

“There are a lot of snakes,” laughs Frank. “And a lot of fish. And they all want to touch each other.”

The two laugh it out before lights out. Next week, Frank passes the torch to Nate, and Nate cries.

 
 

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