“The Real World: San Diego” recap: Episode 1

Back to Zach and Sam. Zach is still confused. Zach says, “I’m not sure still if I have a female or male roommate.” He looks out the window from discomfort. Here’s a clue, Zach. You see those two things protruding out of Sam’s chest? Those are called breasts. I call ’em boobies, because I’m 12. You don’t have them, but maybe you’ve heard of them.

Meanwhile, Frank is already putting the moves on Ashley. “You’re really pretty,” he says. “You really are.” “Would you hook up with a roommate?” he asks. Ashley  says she isn’t opposed to it. Frank says he’s hooked up with most of his roommates at school, both guys and girls. “I don’t discriminate,” he says. “If someone wants to hook up, I’m gonna hook up.”

They arrive at the Real World house, and Alexandra asks the most pivotal question of the season.

“Do we have a hot tub?” she asks.
“We do,” responds Priscilla, sending Nate into a Ren and Stimpy-esque frenzy. “Ooooh hoo hoo!” he shrieks, making a short detour for the energy drink before checking out the eighth cast member, the famed hot tub.

Priscilla makes small talk with Nate. “Where do you come from?” she asks.
“Kansas City,” he responds.
Priscilla asks Nate whether there are beaches in Kansas City.
“Priscilla is not exactly a deep thinker,” concludes Nate.

Then Frank sees Alexandra and immediately forgets about Ashley, asking Alexandra “Are you single?” She says she has a boyfriend but this doesn’t deter Frank. “A serious boyfriend?” presses Frank. “He moved to LA to be with me,” she says, and Frank exhales in frustration.

Nate breaks the tension with a suggestion, “Let’s pick up liquor now.” Frank heartily agrees, because on The Real World, alcohol solves all problems.

Next, Sam comes out to Zack. “My dad said he always wanted a boy, and I told my mom, ‘You did.’ You just got one in a girl’s body,” she tells  Zack, who continues to look confused. He says he’s conservative from a small town and never expected to live with someone like Sam.

When Sam and Zack enter the house, Priscilla squeals, “Three girls and four guys! Cool!” Sam goes in for a hug, and Priscilla is surprised to discover that Sam has breasts, much like she was surprised to learn that there are no beaches in Kansas City. Priscilla has learned so much already!

There is only one room in the house left, and Zach is nervous. “I don’t want to share a room with a girl, especially a girl with opposite lifestyle choices as me,” he remarks. Meanwhile, Nate is irritated that Zach is taller than he is, because he wanted to be the alpha male in the house. Both are missing the point. Zach should be psyched that he will never see a naked wiener besides his own in his room, and Nate should be concerned that Sam, not Zach, will be stealing all the chicks.

The cast piles into the hot tub, and Sam presents everyone with a tray of beer. “Single people raise your hand!” she shouts. Everyone raises their hands except for Alexandra. Frank is displeased. “I don’t want her boyfriend to hold her back. I want her to be able to come out and party with us,” says Frank. Pssht, don’t get it twisted. You want her to party with you in a horizontal position six feet away from Nate and a camera dangling from the ceiling.

Sam tells everyone that San Diego Pride is approaching, and the girls, especially Priscilla are enthused to go with her. Frank is less than excited, because, as he says, “Sexuality doesn’t matter.” He’s so fluid that labels aren‘t an issue. [Pausing for the inevitable catfight in the comments section about coming out, sexual fluidity and labels.]

Then, all of the girls pile into the shower. “This is so weird, because you like girls and we’re naked,” squeals Priscilla. Frank peels off all this clothes, causing Nate to cover his eyes and Zach to shake his head and scramble away. Frank jumps into the shower with the girls. Sam is revolted, and Ashley runs away down the hall. It has happened! Despite the diverse backgrounds of all the of roommates, they have all come to a unanimous decision about an important issue: Frank should keep his clothes on.

Then Frank comes out to Nate, who says that although he would “freak out” if he saw him hooking up with a guy, he should go on with his bad self and do what he wants.

The boys decide to have a boys night out to talk about the girls in the house. Sam sees them leave and runs after them. Frank says that although Sam is a lesbian, he is irked. The other guys look uncomfortable. Zach wonders out loud whether Frank or Nate is going to get the hotter chicks. Sam says she will be reeling in the catches. “Girls know what girls want,” she says, matter of factly. The other guys continue to look uncomfortable.

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