Whitney tells Sara that she can send one text message but that after that she needs to stop. “I don’t want this day to be tainted in any way by her shenanigans.”
Meanwhile, Romi and Dusty have arrived in Vegas. Romi starts gushing, “I’ve always dreamed of my wedding being a Vegas wedding.” Just like she has always dreamed of being a jewelry designer and a pop star and having kids with Jay and marrying Kelsey and being on the Estonian trapeze team*. (*That’s next week.)
Romi receives Sara’s text. “A text message from Sara Bettencourt!” exclaims Romi.
Dusty: What does she want you to do?
Romi: She wants me not to be happy.
Dusty: She wants you to do her job for her?
Her job? Dancing at and hosting Juicy? What is he talking about?
Romi: Yeah. I thought her and Whitney were leading the gay marriage movement.
Sometimes on this show you have no idea whether people are being sarcastic or whether they are being completely serious, like the time Romi told us she was a celesbian and that she deserved special treatment at Dinah Shore. And so I’m just going to treat this conversation like this:
Romi tells us that Sara’s text was mean spirited and that she is in love. “I didn’t know that by marrying someone I was very much in love with I was letting down the entire gay community. I think it’s very ignorant and judgmental.”
Back at Lauren and Amanda’s house, the two get ready for Kiyomi, Laura and Vero’s arrival. Everyone is in town for Whitney and Sara’s wedding, and they’re staying at Lauren and Amanda’s pad. Amanda offers to take Lauren and Vero out so she can “get it in” with Kiyomi, and Lauren thinks that’d be swell.
The band arrives, and Lauren and Kiyomi share a Romi-and-Dusty-length hug. Amanda sees them and says, loudly, “I’ll say ‘hi’ to someone else first!”
Later, Kiyomi, Lauren and Amanda and address the camera together.
Amanda: When I first met Kiyomi I actually really didn’t like her, ‘I was like, this girl is a dumb bi-yatch!’ Now we’ve warmed to each other a lot. Do you think so, Kiyomi?
Kiyomi: As much as you can warm up to an ice queen.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Amanda announces that she doesn’t want to hear Kiyomi and Lauren have sex so she’s leaving and taking Vero and Laura with her. Lauren and Kiyomi walk hand in hand to Lauren’s room and start babbling to each other. Lauren says she wants to go on tour with Kiyomi.
Kiyomi tells us, “There’s like an unwritten rule in the band where girlfriends don’t come on tour. It’s that whole Yoko Ono thing, so I don’t know if that’s such a good idea!”
And then they smush, which they agree is a good idea.
Whitney and Sara take their families to survey the wedding venue.
Momma Mixter and Momma Bettencourt have a little chat about their thoughts about the gay. Momma B tells Momma M that the last two months have been tough on her. She says that Sara was always very feminine so the whole gay thing was a big surprise. Momma M says that when Whitney was three years old, “we realized that she was going to be different.”
And then Romi and Dusty roll up to The Little White Wedding Chapel in Vegas, and they get dressed for the ceremony.
Romi tells us, “Marrying a woman or marrying a man. It doesn’t matter. I’m not shocked that I am here with a man. That’s who I’m in love with.”
The two walk up to the altar and exchange vows.
“I really believe you know what love is,” says the officiant, who is not a Showtime subscriber.
And there they are! Dusty and Romi! Coming out of the chapel. One wedding down. One to go!
But first, Romi and Dusty address us.
Romi: This is my husband!
Dusty: I’m her husband!
Romi: It’s my husband!
Dusty: You’re my wife!
Romi: Yeah! That’s what this place does!
Dusty: That’s what this world is for!
Romi: Husbands and wives!
The world is for husbands and wives? You know what I think?
Moving along. It is now twelve hours until Whitney and Sara’s ceremony, and the ultimate question is before them.
Does the dress fit?
Everyone fusses over Sara, especially her mother, who tells her she can’t eat tonight. And she has to go jogging until dawn to get her booty in that dress.
Pandemonium briefly ensues, but mirabile dictu! It fits! It fits! Time does not stop! Life will go on as planned! But most of all, the dress can come off, so we can move onto the next scene: