Welcome to the surprise ninth episode of The Real L Word, Season 3. Some of you thought the season was over last week, eh? Ha ha! Psych! This is kind of like the kitchen scene in Gremlins. You think you’ve disposed of all the pesky critters, but then you turn around and there’s one more standing right behind you wearing a shit eating grin.
Time to microwave this sucker! Yeee haw!
So, let’s honor all the Gremlins that we encountered in the last eight weeks. Over the course of the season:
– Lauren and Amanda were introduced as “friends with benefits,” but by midseason we clued in and were all “Stop trying to make ‘Lamanda’ happen. It’s not going to happen!” What did happen was a romance between Kiyomi and Lauren, the only long term relationship to spring out of the unhygienic pool parties at Dinah Shore in the history of Dinah Shore. While they could barely speak in each other’s presence, except an occasional “hurr hurr hurr” and “goo goo ga ga,” Kiyomi and Lauren are now girlfriends, proving that Rihanna was right – you can find love in a hopeless place. Also, Amanda had an on again, off again relationship with a girl in NYC who, wisely, avoided the camera at all times.
– At the beginning of the season Hunter Valentine went on tour, and Kiyomi was dating someone named Ali, who she didn’t really like all that much, so she kept a bunch of hos in area codes regional reps on speed dial to get her rocks off. While on tour, Somer and Kiyomi got into multiple screaming matches, and Somer never cured her chronic tardiness problem, so in the last episode, Kiyomi and Laura voted her off the island. Meanwhile, Vero’s role this season was to stand around saying reasonable things and looking sexy. She also played some bass.
– The focused and relatively sane Romi at the end of Season 2 was kidnapped by an army of identical looking cylons who ran around doing ridiculous things in her name all season long. First Romi was with Jay, and then she cheated on him with Kelsey, and then Romi couldn’t stop fondling Dusty, so Kelsey left her in the dust. Romi told us Jay was her only boyfriend ever, even though she told us in Season 2 that she had an ex-husband, and then Dusty – another ex-boyfriend – popped out of nowhere. Say what? And then, Romi decided that she wanted to be a pop star. After a certain point we stopped expecting anything logical to come out of her mouth and accepted that everything would sound like this:
The real Romi is still missing. Someone should put her mug on a milk carton.
– Somewhere between Season 2 and Season 3 Sara and Romi became mortal enemies. We don’t know what actually happened, so we can use our imagination, kind of like the Magical Elves when they edit this show. And so now Whitney, Romi, Amanda, Lauren and Hunter Valentine are a crew — and Romi and Rose from Season 1 are BFFs. It’s like they’ve become the Montagues and Capulets, except without tights. Cori and Kacy are friends with all of them, because they’re unicorns and so they are awesome. Romi thinks the crew hates her because she is bi, but Whitney and Sara just think she’s batshit insane, and cray cray has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation.
– Lesbian unicorns Cori and Kacy started the season pregnant and happy, but then they lost Charlie in the fifth month of pregnancy. After a few months of lying in bed with their totally adorbs orange cat Jonesy to mourn, the two re-entered society by going to Dinah Shore, but after a few minutes of looking around at all the thong-tha-thong-thong-thongs they were like “Yo this is wack!” And so they decided to try baby-making again, and as of the last episode, they were pregnant and happy again.
– After three years of a rocky courtship, Whitney and Sara decided that cruising LAX for dates was so last season and they really were meant for each other, so Whitney found one of Sara’s fingers and put a ring on it. Sara told her mom that she was getting married to a woman, and her mom was like “Aw HALLS naw!” Whitney’s mom was all “…” and Whitney’s dad was all, “Reality shows are stupid, so I’m staying home and gettin’ my hair did.” But Whitney’s grandma was all, “That’s cool,” so we love Lucy. Then Whitney and Sara got legally married in Connecticut, which made Sara’s mom go “Aw HALLS naw!” all over again. All of this family business and wedding planning started stressing Whitney and Sara out, so they regressed and drunkenly yelled at each other outside of a lesbian bar. But they decided they were too old for that shit, and they cried and hugged, and now the big fat gay California wedding is approaching. OMG so exciting!
So now it is one month later. Let’s get pumped, because it’s all caps for emphasis!
It is two days from Whitney and Sara’s wedding, and their stress level is dangerously nearing red on the lesbian drama terror alert scale. Whitney tells us, “We literally want to kill each other.”
Whitney jokingly wonders aloud why Sara is wearing a white veil, because she isn’t even close to being virginal.
Sara says she is wearing it as a fashion statement.
And then Whitney receives a text – her dad is coming after all. Hooray! But since he’s the one who hates being on camera, maybe he can wear the veil and everyone can be happy.
Back in New York, Hunter Valentine is holding auditions for the fourth member of the band now that Somer is gone. Aimee, a musician from Toronto, is brought in to fill Somer’s role.
Is that a guitar? Wait, I thought Somer was on keyboards. I guess Canadians aren’t all that detail oriented, but hey, she has great energy, so who cares! We’re too uptight in the States anyway. After jamming with the band and reassuring everyone that the only thing tying her down is a cat and that cats are portable, she is offered the job.
“You nailed it!” says Kiyomi. “Just don’t nail anyone in the band and you’ll be fine.”
And then it’s back to Los Angeles, where Romi and Dusty are supposedly working on music but mostly making out.
Romi tells us, “As soon as me and Kelsey break up pretty much I am in a relationship with Dusty.” Whatever happened to Dusty’s girlfriend? Does her face need to be put on a milk carton too? So many unexplained disappearances this season.
As expected, not a lot of music is happening, except for the chirping tweety birds that are encircling Romi’s head, because she’s in love – for the 3,487th time this season.
Romi: My mom asked me if I was going to marry you.
Dusty: What’d you say?
Romi: Yes!
Dusty: Huh huh huh. We’ll do it. Let’s do it!
Romi calls her mom to tell her the news.
Romi: Dusty and I are getting married!
Romi’s mom: Like you’re kidding right?
Romi: No, we’re going to get married!
Romi’s mom: What?
Romi: WE’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!
Dusty: We love each other so much!
Wait. There’s no punchline. And Justin Bieber hasn’t jumped out from behind the chair to tell Romi’s mom that she has been punk’d. Is this really happening? How long did that decision take? Let’s find out.
Almost guys. 10.16 seconds vs. Usain Bolt’s 9.58 seconds. Soooo close!
Romi’s mom: You’re like… serious. Okay, wait. What is happening? Like, for real? Know what I’m sayin’? Marriage is FOR REAL.
Momma Klinger, a Jamaican guy was able to run 100 meters before Romi and Dusty finished making their decision. This was more than a whim. It was an urge followed by a passing thought! That’s definitely more serious! Right?
Romi: We’re gonna do it!
Mom: You guys… seriously! This is like a serious thing and you’ve talked about it and you understand the commitment…
Romi: Yep.
Looks like they’re serious.
Mom: Oh my God. Ok, bye.
Romi: [to Dusty] She’s crazy.
True. Witnessing the above scene play out first hand would make anyone crazy.
And now we travel to the house of Lauren and Amanda, where they are busy throwing their belongings into boxes.
They’re moving to New York!
Says Lauren, “I’m so excited to be moving back to New York. It’s just going to be incredible to relearn the city, go back to my favorite places, and do it all with my fabulous girlfriend!”
Then Amanda starts getting cold feet. The last time she visited New York she discovered that her sometimes girlfriend had been seeing other people, and she doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of believing that she is going to New York to be with her.
Lauren has a suggestion. “So why don’t you tell her you’re not going but then go anyway!” Oh, because the NYC scene is the size of a stagnant puddle despite the outright lies I write on this site about the NYC scene being vast and ever-evolving, and within three weeks you’re going to run into her at Cubbyhole. Joy!
“That’s really retarded,” says Amanda. “Why would I do that?”
And then it is back to Sara and Whitney’s 48-hour frenzy before their wedding. Sara’s mom and dad have dropped in and Sara’s mom still isn’t too happy about Sara marrying a woman.
Sara: Why? My love is not as good as your love? That’s sad for you to say that.
Sara’s mom: But that is what I am still thinking, you know.
Sara tells us that her mother throwing out these snide comments every so often is putting a damper on her happiness and she wishes her mom would just get on board with the program.
Cori and Kacy are at home trying to pick out outfits to wear to Whitney and Sara’s wedding, and we learn that Cori is no longer pregnant. A few days after the positive result, she went to the doctor, who said that the chances of the pregnancy sticking were low, and then she got her period. Cori tells us she is just tired of trying to get pregnant, and she throws out another solution — how does Kacy feel about carrying a child?
Although Kacy shows Cori a brave face and said she would do it for her if she really wanted her to, you get the feeling that she’d rather run a marathon in 20 degree weather completely naked while being paddled by a drill sergeant.
She tells us, “I have a very loose relationship with my vagina. I only check in every so often. I’m not really in touch with my cycle. My period always surprises me. And if I got pregnant I would have to be, in like, a one on one relationship with my vagina, and it’s scary! There’s someone coming out of you! It’s just scary!”
So lawd sweet baby Jesus let the stork just fly in with a little bundle of joy, ’cause she don’t want to talk to her hoo hoo. Amen.
The two then decide to take a break from the pregnancy thing and just have fun, like going zip lining or going to the beach. Or…
Watch out, Las Vegas! You’re going to be introduced to this gal right here.
And now it is one day to Sara and Whitney’s wedding, and Sara is beside herself with joy. Or inside herself. Or climbing outside of herself.
She tells us, “I feel like the inside of my body is going to jump out of my body and there’s going to be a little body suit lying there… like if I could zip myself down and crawl out of my body and run really fast and jump really high and go crazy and shake my head!!”
And then she bounces around in her seat like Honey Boo Boo on Go Go Juice and Whitney is all:
Sara is giddy and flitting around on Cloud 9 and it doesn’t look like anything could invade her zone of happiness. But this is The Real L Word, so you know some bullshit is just around the corner.
Sara receives a text. Then her eyes widen. Girl looks like she just got blown off Cloud 9 and fell into the Twilight Zone.
She hollers across the house. “Baaaabe! Can you come here please??”
Whitney takes her time wandering in. “Yah?”
“I don’t think you understand the text message I just got,” says Sara. “Romi is in Vegas right now getting married.”
Whitney pauses to process the news. “Whaaaat? To Kelsey? I don’t understand.”
Sara: No, to that dude!
Whitney: Which dude? Which one?
Sara: That fuckin’ Dusty guy!
Sara, who is no longer dancing in her seat and talking about jumping out of her imaginary body suit, tells us that Romi will go to any lengths to get one up on Whitney and Sara. She says that Romi is even being competitive about their wedding date.
She tells Whitney, “I’m sending her a text message. Fuck this! I have to! I need her to know that I know she’s an idiot. Like, really? I can’t. I CANNOT.”
Uh oh, a text message. Shit’s getting real. What’s next? Twitter? No, that’s so 2011. Instagram!
Sara tells us, “If anyone is ruining the sanctity of marriage it is not gay people. It is people like her who go and get married on a whim just because they can.”
Romi wasn’t available for comment at that time, so we got Eric Cartman to do an impression of her.
He even got the makeup spot on. Outstanding!
Whitney tells Sara that she can send one text message but that after that she needs to stop. “I don’t want this day to be tainted in any way by her shenanigans.”
Meanwhile, Romi and Dusty have arrived in Vegas. Romi starts gushing, “I’ve always dreamed of my wedding being a Vegas wedding.” Just like she has always dreamed of being a jewelry designer and a pop star and having kids with Jay and marrying Kelsey and being on the Estonian trapeze team*. (*That’s next week.)
Romi receives Sara’s text. “A text message from Sara Bettencourt!” exclaims Romi.
Dusty: What does she want you to do?
Romi: She wants me not to be happy.
Dusty: She wants you to do her job for her?
Her job? Dancing at and hosting Juicy? What is he talking about?
Romi: Yeah. I thought her and Whitney were leading the gay marriage movement.
Sometimes on this show you have no idea whether people are being sarcastic or whether they are being completely serious, like the time Romi told us she was a celesbian and that she deserved special treatment at Dinah Shore. And so I’m just going to treat this conversation like this:
Romi tells us that Sara’s text was mean spirited and that she is in love. “I didn’t know that by marrying someone I was very much in love with I was letting down the entire gay community. I think it’s very ignorant and judgmental.”
Back at Lauren and Amanda’s house, the two get ready for Kiyomi, Laura and Vero’s arrival. Everyone is in town for Whitney and Sara’s wedding, and they’re staying at Lauren and Amanda’s pad. Amanda offers to take Lauren and Vero out so she can “get it in” with Kiyomi, and Lauren thinks that’d be swell.
The band arrives, and Lauren and Kiyomi share a Romi-and-Dusty-length hug. Amanda sees them and says, loudly, “I’ll say ‘hi’ to someone else first!”
Later, Kiyomi, Lauren and Amanda and address the camera together.
Amanda: When I first met Kiyomi I actually really didn’t like her, ‘I was like, this girl is a dumb bi-yatch!’ Now we’ve warmed to each other a lot. Do you think so, Kiyomi?
Kiyomi: As much as you can warm up to an ice queen.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Amanda announces that she doesn’t want to hear Kiyomi and Lauren have sex so she’s leaving and taking Vero and Laura with her. Lauren and Kiyomi walk hand in hand to Lauren’s room and start babbling to each other. Lauren says she wants to go on tour with Kiyomi.
Kiyomi tells us, “There’s like an unwritten rule in the band where girlfriends don’t come on tour. It’s that whole Yoko Ono thing, so I don’t know if that’s such a good idea!”
And then they smush, which they agree is a good idea.
Whitney and Sara take their families to survey the wedding venue.
Momma Mixter and Momma Bettencourt have a little chat about their thoughts about the gay. Momma B tells Momma M that the last two months have been tough on her. She says that Sara was always very feminine so the whole gay thing was a big surprise. Momma M says that when Whitney was three years old, “we realized that she was going to be different.”
And then Romi and Dusty roll up to The Little White Wedding Chapel in Vegas, and they get dressed for the ceremony.
Romi tells us, “Marrying a woman or marrying a man. It doesn’t matter. I’m not shocked that I am here with a man. That’s who I’m in love with.”
The two walk up to the altar and exchange vows.
“I really believe you know what love is,” says the officiant, who is not a Showtime subscriber.
And there they are! Dusty and Romi! Coming out of the chapel. One wedding down. One to go!
But first, Romi and Dusty address us.
Romi: This is my husband!
Dusty: I’m her husband!
Romi: It’s my husband!
Dusty: You’re my wife!
Romi: Yeah! That’s what this place does!
Dusty: That’s what this world is for!
Romi: Husbands and wives!
The world is for husbands and wives? You know what I think?
Moving along. It is now twelve hours until Whitney and Sara’s ceremony, and the ultimate question is before them.
Does the dress fit?
Everyone fusses over Sara, especially her mother, who tells her she can’t eat tonight. And she has to go jogging until dawn to get her booty in that dress.
Pandemonium briefly ensues, but mirabile dictu! It fits! It fits! Time does not stop! Life will go on as planned! But most of all, the dress can come off, so we can move onto the next scene:
Yeehaw!
The next day, Whitney and Sara arrive at the wedding venue, and the wedding parties start trickling in slowly to help them prepare.
Sara’s mom, again, tells us, “I’m very happy for Sara, but at the same time I’m sad too. I would really like my daughter to have a wedding, but with a man. I’m sorry to say that, but that’s the truth. I love Whitney. I wish Whitney were a guy Sara can marry.”
Whitney steps out of the dressing room in a white tux, rocking it better than any guy ever could.
“Do I look pure?” she asks.
And look who pops into the scene! It’s Scarlett, who we haven’t seen in a very long time. Hi Scarlett!
Then Whitney’s dad shows up. Yay! And then the parade of guests who we all know and love.
Donna Somer!
The unicorns!
Kacy: Does this remind you of our wedding day?
Cory: I don’t remember our wedding day. I was wasted!
Kacy, I hate to say it but I think you married Coco, not Cori.
And look – Hunter Valentine and Lauren and Amanda!
And then the ceremony begins with Whitney’s mother walking her down the aisle. Everyone cheers.
Then everyone stands. Sara is being led to the altar by her mom and dad. Everyone continues to cheer.
Whitney tells us, “I’m standing up in front of everyone and Sara just walks out and whew! Breathtaking. It’s just like seeing this person that you’ve been through so much with, and you know, and like, she’s beautiful. Like it’s just all perfect. It’s amazing.”
The two exchange vows, and then they exchange rings.
And the officiant says, “It is with great pride and profound honor that I do pronounce you a loving, long term, committed married couple.”
And the two kiss to more cheers.
Squeeee!!!
Whitney tells Sara, “And if we can make it through what we made it through in the past, we can make it through absolutely anything.”
And while this show has been utterly ridiculous and often contrived there is nothing contrived about Whitney and Sara’s love for each other. The road to this point may have been tumultuous and well – reality television worthy – you can’t help but cheer these two on. Mazel Tov you crazy ladies!
And then it’s time for the party, and guess who shows up? Tracy and Stamie!
And it’s Francine!
It’s the Real L Word high school reunion up in hurrrr.
Kacy tells us that while Whitney and Sara are just starting their journey, she and Cori have come a long way.
“We are much stronger than the two of us ever thought we would be,” she says. “We proved that marriage is a commitment and in good times and bad, definitely rings true. I married my very best friend, and I’m grateful for it every day.”
If you haven’t teared up by now, you have no heart. And if you aren’t convinced that gays can be just as loving and committed that straight couples, if not more, you have no brain.
Speaking of no brains, on the highway back from Las Vegas, Romi wishes Whitney and Sara the best of luck, and she and Dusty drive off into the horizon, basking in their own marital bliss. While they aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed, they deserve to be happy and rub their dull edges against each other ’til death do them part. If anything, it would keep them occupied so they are far away from everyone else.
Back at the Whitney and Sara ranch, the party is going full swing. There is nothing but smiles and elation, and this is how the world should be – ALL THE TIME.
Kiyomi tells us, “I definitely see a big future for Lauren and I.” She turns to Lauren. “What about you? I hope you don’t contradict what I just said!”
Lauren smiles and says, “I think that we are both very into each other and are hopeful for the future, and I really think we are going to be with each other a long time. I do.”
Then it’s back to Whitney, who says, “I definitely see some buns going into some ovens. Who doesn’t want a bunch of Sara and Whitneys running around – haaaaaay!”
So is The Real L Word going to continue into the new generation like Degrassi?
Says Whitney, “Our relationship has been so much work. This wedding has been so much work. I think this is the first time I can just breathe, and just see her. She looks perfect.”
And curtain.
Good night Whitney. Good night Sara. Good night, Romi. Good night, Dusty. Good night, Kiyomi. Good night, Lauren. Good night, Amanda. Good night, Somer. Good night, Laura. Good night, Vero. Good night, Kelsey. Good night, unicorns. Good night, house of Whitney’s exes. Good night, Amanda’s stilettos. Good night, Jonesy Cat. Good night, mystery girlfriend of Amanda. Goodnight, Switz’s headband. Goodnight, poo-stained outdoor smush pod. Good night to all, and if there is no season 4, adieu! But if there is, I’ll be back.
To quote Cronkite, “And that’s the way it is.”
