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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 307 – “Dream Come True”

Welcome back to your weekly Real L Word recap, where I make you relive the train wreck you just experienced hours ago. The last two episodes followed the cast’s adventures at Dinah Shore weekend, a weekend of unholy pool parties that is all:

And anyone sober was all:

So then to cope they were all:

Pretty much everyone in the cast groped or made out with one another, Cori got drunk, Lauren and Kiyomi smushed, Romi and Sara yelled at each other, and everyone — whether or not they had been drinking — ended up with a hangover.

This week, the cast is reintegrated into civilian life. Hooray! Episode 307 begins with Whitney and Sara speeding like homing pigeons to the matchmaking service that first brought them together in Season 1: LAX.

Whitney and Sara are on their way to Connecticut to visit Whitney’s family. Remember Momma Mixter’s catatonic reaction to the engagement announcement over Skype in Episode 303?

Whitney hopes that announcing the engagement in person will make more of an impact and to “get that excitement and support kicked in.” Also, she plans to come out to her 92 year old grandmother AND announce the engagement to her at the same time. How efficient!

But all of this family business — first Whitney’s, then Sara’s, then Whitney’s again — is stressing the pair out, and Sara says that all of this tension is taking a toll on their relationship.

Across town, Lauren lies alone in bed, while a too-sappy girl-with-a-guitar pining-for-aloof-love-interest track assaults our ears.  Lauren tells us that while Kiyomi left only two days ago she already misses her a lot. She reaches over to her vestigial twin, her iPhone, and texts someone, presumably Kiyomi.

She gets out of bed, wearing a black shirt.

Then, as she walks into the other room, the black shirt spontaneously morphs into a white Hunter Valentine t-shirt. Whoa, this is trippy. These Magical Elves really are… magical.

As she sees Lauren misty eyed and deep in texting mode, Amanda looks on indifferently and chews a piece of broccoli rabe like a curmudgeonly rabbit.

“You ok?” she asks.

“Yeah I’m bummed,” says Lauren. “We just spent so much time together in the past week, and with her being in another city too, it’s especially not fun for me right now.”

And then we cut to New York, where Kiyomi is walking down the street carrying her guitar, as the same sappy girl-with-guitar unrequited-love song is playing in the background. Vero joins her at a café. Vero asks her what is going on with her and Lauren.

“I think everything is happening really quick, and I’m like trying to take things slow,” she tells Vero.

Kiyomi tells us that she just got out of a relationship, so she needs to be cautious. Oh now she calls it a relationship? Ah, spin and revisionist history. How appropriate for an election year.

Vero decides to pass along a juicy little tidbit to Kiyomi. Vero tells Kiyomi that at Dinah Shore Lauren told her, “I can see myself just being with [Kiyomi].” Wow, three days must three years in lesbian time, and three thousand miles is three feet in lesbian distance. Kiyomi wonders how drunk Lauren must have been when she uttered those amorous words — and then looks for the emergency exit, even though she is sitting right in front of an open window and Lauren is nowhere to be seen.

Back to LA. Amanda tells Lauren that all this Kiyomi talk is driving her to the point of self-harming. “You’re talking about [Kiyomi] constantly to the point where I want to, like, gouge my eyes out with a fork.”

Then Amanda says that, while she hasn’t been sold on the situation, she wants Lauren to be happy and adds “But if she does anything and dicks you over, yeah I’ll hire a hit man.”

Kacy meets up with her mom for lunch, and she tells her mother that, while people are generally very understanding towards Cori, sometimes people are dismissive of her own sadness about losing Charlie, which is upsetting. Then Kacy tells us that her mother tried for ten years to get pregnant and went through four miscarriages before she delivered her sister and that now it seems that she is going through the same thing. Kacy’s mom points out that a lot of couples who have gone through miscarriages or preterm deliveries get so discouraged that they walk away from each other but that Kacy and Cori have handled it well. Kacy tells her mom that the doctors have cleared the couple to try again and that they plan to soon as they can.

Far far away in Connecticut, Whitney and Sara have landed and are drinking wine at Whitney’s mother and grandmother’s house before dinner.

Whitney’s best friend from childhood, Tiffany, and her boyfriend arrive for dinner as well. And then Tiffany has an announcement.

“Me and Luigi. We’re thinking about getting married!”

Whitney and Sara’s react with less enthusiasm than Momma Mixter’s blank stare in response to Whitney and Sara’s engagement announcement.

Whitney tells us, “Tiffany starts talking about her wedding. I didn’t even know that she was engaged! What the fuck??”

Translation: “Wait! Season Three is all about MY engagement and marriage! Did you just steal my thunder on MY show?”

Meanwhile, in LA, Romi struts up to a couple of music producers wearing a full length fur coat in the middle of April.

She wants to be a pop star, something no reality show cast member has ever thought of. Well, except Real Housewives of Atlanta Kim Zolciak, who released “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party.” Oh, and  Real Housewives of New Jersey Melissa Gorga, Real Housewives of Orange County Jo de la Rosa, and  Real Housewives of New York Countess Luann. There’s also Amazing Race and A-List New York‘s Reichen Lehmkuhl.

And the one tragic track we must not forget, “Close To You,” Real Housewives Of New Jersey Danielle Staub‘s duet with “lesbian superstar” and possible ex Lori Michaels. Because this is the worst musical performance ever to air on television, it is special, and I have embedded it for posterity.

And so, unfortunately, not only is Romi tardy to the party, and there is no way she can be worse than Danielle Staub, so here’s to being forgettable! One of her music video producers asks a legitimate question.

Romi tells us, “My answer to every work opportunity right now is ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes I can do that!’ ‘Yes I can perform!’ Can I? I don’t know!”

Romi’s collaborators joke that Romi needs to learn quite a bit, telling us that she probably doesn’t even know how to hold a microphone.

Romi needs a miracle, and that miracle is Dusty Ray, an “ex boyfriend” from “six years ago.” Hold up! Wait a minute. Did we just find another Romi cylon clone running around? In Episode Three, Romi — or someone who looks exactly like Romi — told us that Jay was the only guy she has ever been with and that was eight years ago. But here comes Dusty Ray, who the Romi-like woman sitting right in front of us claims to have dated six years ago. What gives?

Clearly these two can’t be the same person. With all these cylons running around Los Angeles, the city is going to be toast way before the official expiration of humanity on December 12. Nice knowing ya, West Hollywood.

Amanda must have been notified that LA is in danger, because she’s getting the hell out of Dodge and is giving Lauren no advance warning. She has just bought a one way ticket to NYC and asks Lauren to drive her to the airport. Lauren does not react well to the news but agrees to drive her anyway.

Now back to the dinner that deflated Whitney and Sara’s chance to be the first to tell everyone big big news. As Tiffany and her boyfriend are walking out the door, Whitney runs after them, and she tells Tiffany that she is worried her grandmother won’t accept her engagement to Sara. Tiffany tells her not to worry. She says that Grandma Lucy didn’t even blink when Whitney got that ugly ass tattoo that “ruined [her] body.” So an announcement about getting gay married will probably just be treated like everyday news.

Whitney goes back into the house and prepares to tell Grandma about the engagement. Whitney is nervous. She tells us, “My favorite form of communication is just throwing it out there — BOOM! Drop the bomb and then tense up real quick and wait for the response, hoping for the best.”

Whitney then drops the bomb, telling Grandma that she is getting married to Sara. Whitney, Sara and Momma Mixter stare in open mouthed silence, waiting for Grandma’s reaction. The three of them are smiling, even. It is like they actually want to shock her. Surprising your 92-year-old grandmother with the news that you are a big homo and that you are getting married to a girl — and on television! Will she faint? Cry like Sara’s mother?  Walk out? Ask where Justin Bieber is, because obviously this is an episode of Punk’d?

No, we won’t get any of that. Tiffany was right. Grandma Lucy is unflappable and doesn’t think it is a big deal.

And so, the Magical Elves and Ilene Chaiken don’t get explosive generation gap drama and shockalicious television — and Whitney, Sara, and Momma Mixter don’t get to witness a meltdown, because like Honey Badger, Grandma Lucy don’t care. Grandma Lucy don’t give a shit.

Grandma tells Sara that her engagement ring is pretty, and then she goes to her room and comes back with her wedding ring, which she shows Whitney and Sara.

Back in LA, we join Cori, Kacy and their sedentary orange cat. Kacy and Cori are about to undergo insemination procedures again, and Kacy, visibly upset, says that perhaps she isn’t emotionally ready yet.

Cori says that they need to push through it, and they decide to bring Charlie’s ashes to the appointment.

Back in Connecticut Whitney tells Sara that she was touched that Grandma Lucy was so accepting about the engagement, so she wants her to be part of the wedding experience. Since she cannot travel to California, Whitney suggests to Sara that they get married in Connecticut, where same sex marriage is legal. Sara realizes that this means they are getting married tomorrow. “Whooooooooooa,” she says. “That changes things.”

After Whitney assures her that the huge public wedding and party will happen in California as planned Sara agrees to get hitched the next day.

“Fuck you, California! We’re getting married!” she says.

Going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali… Romi goes to a studio, where her ambiguously gay ex-boyfriend Dusty Ray is waiting for her with microphones and 80’s hair. Romi asks him to help teach her how to sing, because she doesn’t want to look like a fool. Dusty, who is only slightly more articulate than the guy with the red stapler in Office Space, tells Romi not to worry.

“Um, you won’t,” says Dusty. “Because you’re Rooooomi, so you’re cool.”

Is this guy for real? But really, what IS real?

The pair then sing a karaoke version of one of the aforementioned Real Housewives’ pop songs. Oh wait, that’s Romi’s song? I couldn’t tell. All I know is that Romi should make friends with Autotune. Immediately.

Between  “ooh la la”ing over dance beats, Romi tells us she is starting to “ooh la la” to something else: Dusty.

“I just felt something in there with him, and I think he felt the same thing,” she says.

Then Dusty tells us why Romi is going to be successful. “It’s about just being on the mic and being yourself, and she’s just so good at being… herrrr.” Um. Ok.

Before we are subjected to more deep thoughts from Dusty, Kelsey pops into the studio.

Kelsey tells us that at first she was worried about Romi making music with her ex boyfriend but then she met him, learned that he has a girlfriend, so she doesn’t believe he is a threat. She actually thought he was gay at first.

Then Romi launches back into her thumpa thumpas and “ooh la la”s and her producer and Kelsey try to keep a straight face.

Kelsey tells us, “Romi is an entertainer, and she loves to entertain.”

I would love to see a talk show hosted by Kelsey and Dusty. Its tagline should be “This is our talk show, and we talk about things.” Romi may date both guys and girls, but at least she is consistent about picking them for their language skills.

“If making pop music is what she wants to do, then she should do it,” Kelsey continues. “But is it good? I don’t know. Listen to it and tell me what you think.”

Kelsey continues to spend 90% of her energy trying not to laugh but ultimately fails.

In New York, Amanda surprises Kiyomi with a text message.

She wants to talk to Kiyomi, so they can clear the air and get to know each other. Kiyomi invites Amanda to a dinner party hosted by Laura, and Amanda says that she will come. Then she rides off on a scooter in the most amazing biking outfit ever, and for once I am not being sarcastic. It is pretty amazing.

Wait, that’s not the same outfit. What is going on here?

Who cares. This is pretty excellent.

Amanda’s spontaneous wardrobe change is the most interesting development that has occurred on this episode so far. Truth.

Some people go to the Hamptons. Other people go camping. In the case of Cori and Kacy’s, they go to the OBGYN. The doctor hands the couple a vial of magic baby making juice.

They are elated to discover that it is from the same batch as the one that created Charlie. Then they kiss it and start talking to it. Now, I know that these two are sentimental folks, but there is just something uncomfortable about watching two lesbians stroking, kissing and attempting to converse with a container of sperm. 

Cori must have been thinking the same thing. “Ever thought your mouth would ever be so close to some sperm?” she asks Kacy.

Kacy makes a face. “Really?” she asks. “Really? That’s where we’re going with this? No!”

Then she pauses. “But if this is what I have to do to make a baby, then yes.”

Then the doctor comes back, and zippity doo dah! In goes the sperm! Swim little critters, and may the force be with you!

Back in Connecticut, Whitney and Sara pay a visit to her uncle Tryg’s house. Whitney complains that her dad doesn’t plan to make her wedding ceremony in California. Tryg says while that is unfortunate, he can understand the desire not to appear on a reality show. Whitney tells us that while he is supportive of the marriage, he just doesn’t want to be on television.

“It pisses me off that my dad can’t put away what shit he’s got going on, on the back burner, and like, make it there,” says Whitney.

Other gay people worry that their parents won’t show up to their wedding because they think gays are going to hell; Whitney’s dad just doesn’t want to appear on a hellish show. It’s a toss up.

Then Momma Mixter walks in. Whitney tells her mom that since getting married in California still isn’t legal, she and Sara plan to stay in Connecticut for a few days longer and get married the next day. And Momma Mixter is all:

“My mom’s reaction to hearing that we are getting legally married is comparable to me telling my mom that we are engaged,” says Whitney. In case you didn’t remember…

Then Momma Mixter snaps out of her trance and says that she will be at the private ceremony (which will also be broadcasted in a completely non-private fashion on Showtime) the next day, and it is hugs all around.

Back in New York, Hunter Valentine minus Somer, Amanda and Laura’s mother are about to dive into a large home cooked meal, which, as we have seen in the scenes shot in Connecticut, can only lead to living happily ever after.

Before dinner is served, Amanda goes outside and calls Lauren. She tells Lauren that she is at Laura’s house with the Hunter Valentine family, and Lauren says she is itching to get to New York and wishes she could be there. After some encouragement, Lauren decides to look for flights to New York so she can visit Kiyomi.

Amanda goes back inside and immediately tells Kiyomi that Lauren wants to come out to New York.

Kiyomi reacts by having no reaction. Then, without making eye contact with Amanda,  she mumbles, “Really?”

“Do you think that’s scary and weird?” asks Amanda.

Kiyomi responds with a mix of gibberish and nervous laughter. Amanda asks where these reservations are coming from, and Kiyomi tells her to meet her in the back room.

“I sense a lesbian freak out!” exclaims Amanda. Then she tells us that Kiyomi’s reaction wasn’t what she expected. “You’re not stoked about it? Like, what’s your problem?”

In the back room, Amanda asks whether Kiyomi and Lauren have actually been on a real date, and Kiyomi says, “Nope.” Well as they say…

Amanda jokes that Kiyomi better line her bed with rose petals when Lauren visits, and Kiyomi starts laughing. She tells Amanda that she did cover a bed with roses for someone not too long ago. Um, Kiyomi. This is when you should have kept your internal monologue, you know, internal.

Amanda agrees. “Keep that to yourself forever,” she tells Kiyomi sternly.

Kiyomi tells us that she is nervous because she has a “super crush” on Lauren and she doesn’t want to screw up, but really, she’s excited.

Back in Connecticut, we see stock footage of a cat.

Then Sara calls her mother that she is going to the courthouse to get the paperwork to get married in Connecticut that day.

As expected her mother thinks she’s lost her mind.

Sara tries to explain that getting legally married will be better for both her and Whitney, and her mother gets so annoyed at hearing her voice that she demands to speak to Whitney instead.

Sara’s mother tearfully gives Whitney her blessing and tells the two to be happy.

Back in LA, Romi meets Dusty Ray at a café, because she wants to make more music with him. He tells her that he has already written an intro and a chorus for their second collaboration. The Romi and Dusty show is turning into Gilligan’s Island. The coaching session was only supposed to be a three hour tour, and now they’re getting all Sonny and Cher up in here.

About the initial coaching session Romi tells us, “It felt really good. We both felt it, and we’re like, um, let’s do this together!”

Dusty tells Romi that he is going to make the best track possible and overlay her voice over it, and Romi’s response has nothing to do with music.

“Sometimes I just stare at you,” she tells him. Sometimes, while watching this show, I stare at the screen in disbelief. This is one of those times.

Romi tells us that at some point in her bizarre, memory lapse-y timeline of a dating history she fell madly in love with Dusty, but then he left her and broke her heart. Romi mouth is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

And finally, we return to Connecticut, where Whitney and Sara are about to have their legal marriage ceremony. So that Grandma Lucy can attend, they have the ceremony in her back yard.

“It’s freezing in Connecticut. I’m wearing a dress,” says Sara.

“I’m dressed like an Amish man,” says Whitney.

As Whitney’s grandmother, mother and other guests look on, the justice of the peace asks Sara and then Whitney to repeat the following vow to each other: “From this day forward, I choose you to be my wife, to be faithful to you all the days of my life.”

After vows are exchanged, the justice of the peace announces them married and says, “Sara and Whitney, you may kiss your bride.”

“You’re stuck with me forever,” says Sara.

We’re not! Only two more episodes this season. Then the screen fades to black. Unless there is a season 4. And a season 5. Wait, I’m scaring you unnecessarily, so I will move on.

And then Grandma Lucy gets to talk directly to the camera.

“I am happy to see they got married. It’s something I have to get used to too, but it’s still fine, no matter how you look at it. Yup, I think they’re adorable together!”

And this is what we are all thinking.

And then the newly married couple drive into the sunset in a fuel efficient Toyota.

Welp. Whitney and Sara are officially married. I guess there’s hope for everyone, even everyone on this show whose name ends with “omi.”

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