“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 306 – “Lost in a Bush”

Then it is time to prepare for the White Party. In Lamanda’s room, Amanda tells us yet again how annoyed she is that Lauren decided to “wife up” with Kiyomi when it was supposed to be their single girls’ weekend. (Hm, kind of like how Amanda couldn’t be peeled off of her ex-girlfriend in NYC, so Lauren was left waiting for her for four hours in a bar? Sucks to be you, Amanda!)

Amanda, still irritated and clearly not swaying the heart and mind of a certain miss Lauren Russell, finds another ear roaming around the room to throw anti-Kiyomi sentiment at, and it belongs to Whitney. “You know she’s going to try to bring Kiyomi back to our room,” she complains.

“You might get in on that action,” says Whitney.

“Please,” sniffs Amanda. “I would rather lop off my vagina.”

At the VIP room of at the White Party, Hunter Valentine, Lamanda, Whitney and Sara huddle around each other like BFFs in a junior high cafeteria. Then Whitney spots Romi across the room. She tells us, “I don’t want to deal with drama.”

But then she spontaneously starts drama by spewing anti-Romi propaganda to anyone in earshot. She tells the group, “[Romi] is a shit person.” And then, “She is shockingly fake. She is one of the fakest people you will ever meet.” Ok, we get it. Whitney and Sara hate Romi. This topic is revisited every episode. It keeps coming back. Like herpes.

Meanwhile, Romi is standing around shaking her head, saying nothing. After Romi and Kelsey dance for a bit at the White Party, they retire to their hotel room, and mercifully, we are not forced to watch yet another sex scene where Kelsey hovers over Romi and Romi howls in fake ecstasy into the nearest mic.

Back at the White Party, Kiyomi and Lauren make out in a corner, and Amanda keeps darting her eyes at them.

“It’s not like I’m jealous of Kiyomi,” she tells us. “I just want some time with Lauren and that she doesn’t have her head up Kiyomi’s asshole.”

Basically, she is jealous of Kiyomi.

Kiyomi notices Amanda giving her the stink eye and is still annoyed that Amanda told Lauren that she was living with Ali, so she decides to walk across the room and have a polite chat with Amanda.

“I can tell you that you are a fucker…” starts Kiyomi, but Amanda interrupts her.

“I just tell that you are a dick,” she tells Kiyomi.

Except both of them look like they are trying to suppress laughter. I wonder how many takes this scene took.

“Dude, if you do like my friend, I’m the last person you want to fight with,” Amanda tells us. “Come on. You do not want me not to like you. It’s like, you’re not going to win.”

Kiyomi is back on the dance floor with Lauren. They dance for a while and then Kiyomi says the magic words.

And off they go to pound some beers and then pound each other! As she realizes that she has been abandoned yet again, Amanda’s expression is not that of a winner.

Well, if you lose the battle, you can still win the war. Right?

The next morning, Kiyomi tells us her concerns about Lauren. “I knew right away that she was going to steal my heart, like immediately. That’s trouble for me. That’s trouble for a person who is constantly trying to keep it protected and not give it away to anybody. I know that I have feelings for her already, and that makes me nervous.”

But Kiyomi has more immediate problems. Tomorrow, Ali is touching down at the place where all lesbian drama originates on this show, LAX, to join the cast at the Real L Word photoshoot. Ali has no clue about Lauren and Kiyomi.

In a rare moment of clarity, Kiyomi tells us, “This thing with Ali and I needs to officially be done.”

Elsewhere in a more hygienic and less trainwreck-y part of Palm Springs, Cori, Kaci, Romi and Kelsey meet up to play a round of golf.

“What most people don’t know is that Dinah Shore actually has nothing to do with lesbians,” says Kaci. “Dinah Shore is actually a golf tournament. It has nothing to do with lesbians drinking by a pool.”

“It does now,” says Cori.

Cori, Kacy and Kelsey are naturals. Romi, not so much.

Romi tells us that she doesn’t care how much she sucks. She’s just having fun. “I just like hitting the balls,” says Romi. Yep, in more ways that one.

Romi and Kelsey tell us that they like hanging out with Cori and Kacy, because they are a normal couple. Being around them is actually pleasant.

“I mean we’d love to be married like them and start a family one day,” says Romi.

“I want to be married more than anything,” says Kelsey, her eyes misting over with hope.

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