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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 306 – “Lost in a Bush”

Welcome to the second installment of Lesbian Fear Factor, a game show set in the idyllic resort town of Palm Springs, California, where contestants are subjected to harrowing challenges, such as weaving and bobbing among 15,000 lesbians who have lost their ability to reason or walk in a straight line, ingesting stupefying amounts of alcohol and possibly other mind altering substances, and running into every lady-loving-lady in their past, present and future.

In the last episode, one contestant, Romi, suffered the indignity of not being recognized as a “celesbian” at the hotel check-in line, and instead of giving the front desk her credit card like every other guest at the hotel, she bleated and whined like a constipated goat and showed up half an hour to her event.  Another contestant, Lauren, melted into a pile of pink Jello in front of a gigolette whose pick up lines could have been lifted from the lyrics of rejected Savage Garden tracks. Unfortunately for the viewers, no one is eliminated for failing their challenges on Lesbian Fear Factor, so we will be stuck watching them all until the season finale.

And finally, whereas the winning contestants of the real Fear Factor  receive $50,000 for their trials and tribulations, in Lesbian Fear Factor, there are no winners, and there are no prizes — only tears, sputtering livers and cold sores.

As our brave platinum-coiffed contestant Amanda accurately stated, “It’s terrifying.”

Is fear a factor for you? Either way, Dinah Shore weekend isn’t over yet! Cocoon yourselves in Saran Wrap, and let’s forge ahead!

The episode opens as Dinah virgins Cori and Kacy, emerging from their self-imposed cave, take a few tottering steps towards the mayhem at the Riviera Hotel’s swimming pool and courtyard, which are now overflowing with thousands of almost naked, gyrating and jiggling frolickers. Like Brendan Fraser‘s character in  Encino Man who had never encountered the curious civilization laid before him after he climbed out from a hole in the ground after being frozen in ice for thousands of years, at first they are frightened.

“This is insane,” says Kacy. “Already in one minute, I have seen more lesbians than I have seen in my entire life.”

As they approach the door separating the pristine hotel lobby from the teeming wildlife outside, Cori has second thoughts. She hesitates and tells Kacy, “I think I’ve changed my mind.”

Kacy decides that they’ve come too far to turn back, and she gathers her courage and pulls Cori towards the circus.

“Oh my god,” says Cori, her jaw falling dangerously close to the unsanitary concrete surrounding the pool. “This is some… lesbian shit.”

Kacy takes in her surroundings and tries to make sense of it. “I think it’s just like a club,” says Kacy, pausing to remember the last time she went to a club and realizing it was before Encino Man became frozen in his block of ice. Then she has a sudden albeit dim recollection that clubs are generally not open at noon. “But during the day!” she adds.

“And everybody is half naked,” says Cori.

As the two walk around in circles, acclimating themselves to the bizarre spectacle of panties and pasties, a fan spots them and asks to take a photo with them. Then she asks Cori how the baby is doing.

Awkward.

Back in Whitney, Sara and Lamanda’s room, Amanda continues to follow Lauren around and harp on her new situation with Kiyomi.

“Just so you know, she has a girlfriend,” says Amanda. She tells Lauren that it is obnoxious for Kiyomi to be hitting on someone when she has a girl at home.

Lauren’s buzz is getting killed, so she waves her hands around, hoping the resulting air currents will blow Amanda away.

Then Whitney butts in. “Are you going to make out with [Kiyomi] today?” she asks Lauren.

Lauren says she digs Kiyomi, and Whitney agrees. “I’d hit it.” Then she changes her mind and says, “No I wouldn’t.” And then “I support it.” And then, “Not.” What a mess of contradictions. Romi, is that you? Why are you wearing a Bob Marley wig?

Finally, Whitney says that since she is Lauren’s friend, she will support her decision, whatever it happens to be.

“Thank you,” says Lauren, applauding, and she bends down and stands inches from Amanda’s face. “Hear that?” she asks a surly Amanda.

Meanwhile, Cori and Kacy survey the chaos around them and conclude that well, Dinah kind of sucks and that they are over it. On top of everything, fans continue to approach them about the baby. Cori and Kacy wonder what would make the weekend go by less painfully, and the two stumble upon a solution that the other 14,998 lesbians at Dinah have already discovered.

“We’re going to drink through it,” says Kacy. “That’s what we’re going to do.”

“Let’s get drunk,” agrees Cori.

And they found the answer all by themselves! Contestants, you have completed your challenge. Congratulations!

Around a hundred feet away, the members of Hunter Valentine, Whitney, Sara and Amanda are bouncing up and down half naked, and wait, did you miss this?

I rue the day I decided to include Dinah kisses on this graphic. Well, here we go.

Somer tells us that Dinah isn’t her cup of tea, and that she doesn’t even drink tea, but Hunter Valentine was asked to play a show, so she figured, why not.

“We’re ready to blow the bras off the fuckin’ lesbians at Dinah Shore!” says Laura.

Laura, pay attention. Their bras are already off. There is not a supported boob in sight. They are just blowing in the wind, like all those windmills dotting Palm Springs.

And oh look who’s here! Romi and Kelsey, who make a beeline for the only friendly faces in sight, Cori and Kacy. The four sit down and all agree that they are pretty much done with Dinah already. Cori and Kacy don’t want to talk to strangers about Charlie, and Romi and Kelsey don’t want to be subjected to mean girls nonsense by the “cool kids.” The four of them decide to ditch the parties the next day and play golf instead.

Elsewhere, in the thick of “lesbian shit” Lauren gets the munchies and starts nibbling on Sara’s earlobes. Sara starts making burbling noises.

“Oh god. Oh, yup yup I came!” says Sara.

Then Lauren attacks Whitney’s earlobes, and Whitney doesn’t complain.

“Lauren is sexy and attractive. Haaaaay!” Whitney tells us.

Group earlobe noshing can only lead to one result: Whitney tells everyone, “We’re gonna have a big orgy later tonight!”

But she tells Amanda that she can’t join in because she is taken, and Amanda is all #sadface.

Later Whitney tells us that she finds Amanda attractive and she turns and tells Sara, “I’m kind of turned on by the thought of you getting it into Amanda.”

Upon hearing the magic “o” word, Lauren skips over to Sara, asking her whether they really will be having an orgy that night, and Sara nods, saying “Yes, we are.”

Before the details of the orgy can be orchestrated, though, Kacy and an inebriated Cori walk up to the gang, and Cori motorboats Kacy in front of everyone, leaving Whitney uncharacteristically speechless.

And then it is time for Hunter Valentine to perform. Everyone crowds around the stage, except for Romi and Kelsey. Romi says she has no idea who the people Hunter Valentine are, and they are friends with the mean girls anyway, so she and Romi retreat to their hotel room.

As Kiyomi and gang swig whiskey and start pounding at their instruments, Lauren starts swooning.

Lauren pauses enough from hyperventilating in her aroused state to tell us, “When I first met Kiyomi I thought she was attractive, but then [Hunter Valentine] goes on stage, and they play… She is so hot. Then hearing her voice, was like, ‘Wow!'”

Whitney weighs in. “I could practically see Lauren’s full on erection for Kiyomi just waving in the wind. By the end of the performance, she blew her load on herself.”

Back at Romi and Kelsey’s hotel room, there is a knock on the door. A relatively sober Kacy and a not at all sober Cori walk in. Cori immediately grabs Romi’s breasts and exclaims, “Wow, Romi! Your boobs are bigger than I thought!”

Not wanting to leave Kelsey out, Cori jumps on the bed and spanks her. Before Kelsey can react, Cori grabs Kelsey’s hips and starts humping her from behind, which is probably the only time Kelsey has been topped since reconnecting with Romi.

Kacy explains to us that Cori has an alter ego named Coco, and Coco comes out and takes of Cori’s mind and body when she drinks. “Kelsey got bent over, Coco style,” she says.

Back at a tent near the pool party, Lauren confronts Kiyomi about her situation with Ali. Kiyomi characterizes her relationship with Ali as “non-monogamous.”

Lauren tells Kiyomi that “a friend” told her that Kiyomi was living with her girlfriend. Kiyomi correctly guesses that the “friend” is Amanda. Kiyomi sighs and explains that she crashed at Ali’s for a week after returning from recording her record in Canada. Satisfied with this explanation, Lauren agrees to leave the party with Kiyomi and make out with her on the grass.

Amanda notices that they have disappeared and tells us, “Either they are making out in the bathroom or they are staring at each other’s eyes or lost in a bush somewhere.”

Later that night, Kiyomi goes drinking with her bandmates. She pulls Laura aside. “Dude,” she says. “I can’t hang out with that girl anymore.”

“Why?” asks Laura.

“Because I have a crush on her!” says Kiyomi.

Laura tells us that Kiyomi acts differently around Lauren than she does around Ali. Her voice gets squeaky high but most of all, while Kiyomi normally looks in the mirror all the time, she is doing it five times as much, “so you know Kiyomi likes Lauren.” That’s funny. Usually when someone stares at herself in the mirror all the time it means she is in love with no one else but herself.

Then it is time to prepare for the White Party. In Lamanda’s room, Amanda tells us yet again how annoyed she is that Lauren decided to “wife up” with Kiyomi when it was supposed to be their single girls’ weekend. (Hm, kind of like how Amanda couldn’t be peeled off of her ex-girlfriend in NYC, so Lauren was left waiting for her for four hours in a bar? Sucks to be you, Amanda!)

Amanda, still irritated and clearly not swaying the heart and mind of a certain miss Lauren Russell, finds another ear roaming around the room to throw anti-Kiyomi sentiment at, and it belongs to Whitney. “You know she’s going to try to bring Kiyomi back to our room,” she complains.

“You might get in on that action,” says Whitney.

“Please,” sniffs Amanda. “I would rather lop off my vagina.”

At the VIP room of at the White Party, Hunter Valentine, Lamanda, Whitney and Sara huddle around each other like BFFs in a junior high cafeteria. Then Whitney spots Romi across the room. She tells us, “I don’t want to deal with drama.”

But then she spontaneously starts drama by spewing anti-Romi propaganda to anyone in earshot. She tells the group, “[Romi] is a shit person.” And then, “She is shockingly fake. She is one of the fakest people you will ever meet.” Ok, we get it. Whitney and Sara hate Romi. This topic is revisited every episode. It keeps coming back. Like herpes.

Meanwhile, Romi is standing around shaking her head, saying nothing. After Romi and Kelsey dance for a bit at the White Party, they retire to their hotel room, and mercifully, we are not forced to watch yet another sex scene where Kelsey hovers over Romi and Romi howls in fake ecstasy into the nearest mic.

Back at the White Party, Kiyomi and Lauren make out in a corner, and Amanda keeps darting her eyes at them.

“It’s not like I’m jealous of Kiyomi,” she tells us. “I just want some time with Lauren and that she doesn’t have her head up Kiyomi’s asshole.”

Basically, she is jealous of Kiyomi.

Kiyomi notices Amanda giving her the stink eye and is still annoyed that Amanda told Lauren that she was living with Ali, so she decides to walk across the room and have a polite chat with Amanda.

“I can tell you that you are a fucker…” starts Kiyomi, but Amanda interrupts her.

“I just tell that you are a dick,” she tells Kiyomi.

Except both of them look like they are trying to suppress laughter. I wonder how many takes this scene took.

“Dude, if you do like my friend, I’m the last person you want to fight with,” Amanda tells us. “Come on. You do not want me not to like you. It’s like, you’re not going to win.”

Kiyomi is back on the dance floor with Lauren. They dance for a while and then Kiyomi says the magic words.

And off they go to pound some beers and then pound each other! As she realizes that she has been abandoned yet again, Amanda’s expression is not that of a winner.

Well, if you lose the battle, you can still win the war. Right?

The next morning, Kiyomi tells us her concerns about Lauren. “I knew right away that she was going to steal my heart, like immediately. That’s trouble for me. That’s trouble for a person who is constantly trying to keep it protected and not give it away to anybody. I know that I have feelings for her already, and that makes me nervous.”

But Kiyomi has more immediate problems. Tomorrow, Ali is touching down at the place where all lesbian drama originates on this show, LAX, to join the cast at the Real L Word photoshoot. Ali has no clue about Lauren and Kiyomi.

In a rare moment of clarity, Kiyomi tells us, “This thing with Ali and I needs to officially be done.”

Elsewhere in a more hygienic and less trainwreck-y part of Palm Springs, Cori, Kaci, Romi and Kelsey meet up to play a round of golf.

“What most people don’t know is that Dinah Shore actually has nothing to do with lesbians,” says Kaci. “Dinah Shore is actually a golf tournament. It has nothing to do with lesbians drinking by a pool.”

“It does now,” says Cori.

Cori, Kacy and Kelsey are naturals. Romi, not so much.

Romi tells us that she doesn’t care how much she sucks. She’s just having fun. “I just like hitting the balls,” says Romi. Yep, in more ways that one.

Romi and Kelsey tell us that they like hanging out with Cori and Kacy, because they are a normal couple. Being around them is actually pleasant.

“I mean we’d love to be married like them and start a family one day,” says Romi.

“I want to be married more than anything,” says Kelsey, her eyes misting over with hope.

Meanwhile back in the courtyard of degenerates, Kiyomi and Lauren, realizing that their time at Dinah is coming to an end, sneak away for some last chance nookie. Kiyomi asks Lauren whether she likes it rough, and Lauren says, “I like everything. I like it soft.”

“Yeah right,” says Kiyomi.

The two disappear to find out who is right.

The two disrobe in Lamanda, Whitney and Sara’s hotel room and start stroking their way down the road to full on smushing.

But the party of two is caught in flagrante delicto by Lauren’s boisterous roommates. Whitney and Sara burst into the room and jump onto the bed, causing Kiyomi and Lauren to scatter like grease fleeing a stream of Palmolive. Meanwhile, Amanda makes as much noise as she possibly can, possibly to distract herself from having to process the sight in front of her.

With Kiyomi and Lauren out of their way, Sara and Whitney claim the bed and start getting it on. Disgusted and suffering from blue vadge, Kiyomi leaves to get some ice, and Amanda follows her out of the room.

A tipsy Lauren is left alone with Whitney and Sara, who are happily licking each other’s tonsils.

It’s choose your own adventure time. What will Lauren do?

She tells us, “It’s Dinah. I’m intoxicated. Whitney and Sara making out is pretty hot.”

Will she film the scene and post it on Facebook?

Will she stay in the room and touch herself?

Will she follow Kiyomi outside and throw her against a wall in a broom closet?

No, none of these things!

She jumps in and starts making out with Sara.

Damn you, stupid graphic!

And then she turns around and starts making out with Whitney.

Argh, I am almost out of room on this thing! Make this stop!

“Lauren is hot. Whitney is hot. Put them together, and it can be a sexy explosion,” says Sara.

But that’s not the only explosion that can be heard. At this precise moment, Kiyomi and Amanda return to the room with a bucket of ice.

And then a distinct eruption can be felt originating from the general direction of Kiyomi’s head.

After a few minutes of cooling off, Kiyomi decides the best course of action is to leave the wreckage behind, and she goes back to her hotel room, alone.

Finally, it is time to leave Palm Springs, and the girls one by one pack their soiled belongings to drive to LA for the Real L Word publicity photoshoot. As Lauren is about to leave, she receives a text.

Perhaps the tale of Pinky and the Shane isn’t over yet.

Hunter Valentine is already at the photoshoot in Los Angeles, and Ali arrives with her luggage. Kiyomi and Ali sit down on a couch and don’t say a word. Instead, they text each other. Yes, you read that correctly. They sit two feet apart texting each other.

Really? REALLY?

Ali goes outside, and she runs into Vero and Lauren. She and Lauren introduce each other and shake hands.

Vero, the only person with a soul on this show, tells us, “Ali has no clue about anything that happened at Dinah Shore. It’s awful when the whole world knows something, and it’s obvious and you’re sitting there like a fucking idiot… it’s a horrible feeling.”

Meanwhile, the shoot is in progress inside the warehouse, and as usual, Romi is getting the cold shoulder. Finally, she cannot take it anymore and breaks down.

Sara snaps out of her fundamentalist anti-Romi trance for a second and realizes that she may have been too zealous about the Romi hate.

“I see Romi crying, and that strikes a chord in me because Romi and I used to be so close. I feel like we both miss each other very much, and I don’t want to be in high school. I don’t want to have drama with anybody. Whether or not you like me or I like you, it doesn’t mean it has to be the way that it is. So I think it’s time to clear the air.”

But first, Kiyomi and Ali need to break up for real. They break up. The end.

Later, Sara texts Romi to meet her for coffee, where they will hopefully put their differences behind them.

Suffice to say, it does not go well. The meeting quickly deteriorates into a shouting match, and finally, Sara swishes away, leaving Romi at the table.

Romi yells out, “Over it!” and swishes out herself. I really don’t know what they were fighting about, so your guess is as good as mine.

In other news, I’m over making this chart.

And finally, our bi-coastal lovers say goodbye to each other. So sad.

Lauren is wearing a Hunter Valentine t-shirt. Let’s see how long she wears it before she washes it.

And speaking of washing, I need to take a long shower. I need to scrub off the filthy layer of scum that this episode deposited on me. It may take a while, so don’t call the police if I’m not back before next week.

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