Welcome to the second installment of Lesbian Fear Factor, a game show set in the idyllic resort town of Palm Springs, California, where contestants are subjected to harrowing challenges, such as weaving and bobbing among 15,000 lesbians who have lost their ability to reason or walk in a straight line, ingesting stupefying amounts of alcohol and possibly other mind altering substances, and running into every lady-loving-lady in their past, present and future.
In the last episode, one contestant, Romi, suffered the indignity of not being recognized as a “celesbian” at the hotel check-in line, and instead of giving the front desk her credit card like every other guest at the hotel, she bleated and whined like a constipated goat and showed up half an hour to her event. Another contestant, Lauren, melted into a pile of pink Jello in front of a gigolette whose pick up lines could have been lifted from the lyrics of rejected Savage Garden tracks. Unfortunately for the viewers, no one is eliminated for failing their challenges on Lesbian Fear Factor, so we will be stuck watching them all until the season finale.
Still not impressed.
And finally, whereas the winning contestants of the real Fear Factor receive $50,000 for their trials and tribulations, in Lesbian Fear Factor, there are no winners, and there are no prizes – only tears, sputtering livers and cold sores.
As our brave platinum-coiffed contestant Amanda accurately stated, “It’s terrifying.”
Is fear a factor for you? Either way, Dinah Shore weekend isn’t over yet! Cocoon yourselves in Saran Wrap, and let’s forge ahead!
The episode opens as Dinah virgins Cori and Kacy, emerging from their self-imposed cave, take a few tottering steps towards the mayhem at the Riviera Hotel’s swimming pool and courtyard, which are now overflowing with thousands of almost naked, gyrating and jiggling frolickers. Like Brendan Fraser’s character in Encino Man who had never encountered the curious civilization laid before him after he climbed out from a hole in the ground after being frozen in ice for thousands of years, at first they are frightened.
“This is insane,” says Kacy. “Already in one minute, I have seen more lesbians than I have seen in my entire life.”
As they approach the door separating the pristine hotel lobby from the teeming wildlife outside, Cori has second thoughts. She hesitates and tells Kacy, “I think I’ve changed my mind.”
Kacy decides that they’ve come too far to turn back, and she gathers her courage and pulls Cori towards the circus.
“Oh my god,” says Cori, her jaw falling dangerously close to the unsanitary concrete surrounding the pool. “This is some… lesbian shit.”
Kacy takes in her surroundings and tries to make sense of it. “I think it’s just like a club,” says Kacy, pausing to remember the last time she went to a club and realizing it was before Encino Man became frozen in his block of ice. Then she has a sudden albeit dim recollection that clubs are generally not open at noon. “But during the day!” she adds.
“And everybody is half naked,” says Cori.
As the two walk around in circles, acclimating themselves to the bizarre spectacle of panties and pasties, a fan spots them and asks to take a photo with them. Then she asks Cori how the baby is doing.
Back in Whitney, Sara and Lamanda’s room, Amanda continues to follow Lauren around and harp on her new situation with Kiyomi.
“Just so you know, she has a girlfriend,” says Amanda. She tells Lauren that it is obnoxious for Kiyomi to be hitting on someone when she has a girl at home.
Lauren’s buzz is getting killed, so she waves her hands around, hoping the resulting air currents will blow Amanda away.
Then Whitney butts in. “Are you going to make out with [Kiyomi] today?” she asks Lauren.
Lauren says she digs Kiyomi, and Whitney agrees. “I’d hit it.” Then she changes her mind and says, “No I wouldn’t.” And then “I support it.” And then, “Not.” What a mess of contradictions. Romi, is that you? Why are you wearing a Bob Marley wig?
Finally, Whitney says that since she is Lauren’s friend, she will support her decision, whatever it happens to be.
“Thank you,” says Lauren, applauding, and she bends down and stands inches from Amanda’s face. “Hear that?” she asks a surly Amanda.