“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 305 – “I wasn’t expecting this”

 
 

Finally, Cory and Kaci arrive in Palm Springs some time after midnight. About their late arrival, Kaci explains, “We have jobs, so we work from the morning to the night.” Does this mean that the rest of the cast is unemployed or underemployed or need not be employed? I’ll let you come to your own conclusion. The two decide to call it a night and pass out on the bed.

I ask that same question every time I load up a new episode of this show and press “play.”

Meanwhile, Kiyomi and Lauren, sans bikini tops, escape to a swimming pool for a session of night swimming. Kiyomi feeds Lauren a slew of cheesy lines, such as,  “It’s funny ‘cuz we just met each other but it seems like a while.”

And somehow, miraculously, it is working.

Kiyomi tells us, “I cannot deny my chemistry with Lauren.” Oh, it’s that pesky word “chemistry” again, which is tossed around on this show to topless ladies as often as beads on Mardi Gras to, well, topless ladies.

The next morning Amanda wakes up with a pounding headache in the same bed as Whitney’s equally dreadlocked friend Ruby and has a “Dude, where’s my car?” moment, except the car is Lauren.

“She’s inside Hunter Valentine,” says Ruby.

“Ewwwwwwww!” says Amanda.

A few minutes later, Lauren does the walk of shame back to Amanda’s hotel room, grinning from ear to ear. Since she is so happy, I guess we should call it the “stride of pride.”

Amanda asks Lauren if she slept with Kiyomi. Lauren says she did, and Amanda is repulsed.

She tells us, “I think it’s gross. I don’t find Kiyomi attractive, so when I think of her fucking my best friend, it’s gross.”

I guess this means Amanda is never going to proposition them for a threesome.

Amanda then tells Lauren that Kiyomi has a girlfriend, and at first Lauren seems concerned but then shrugs it off, telling her that she is a good mood and not to be a Debbie downer.

After Lauren leaves the room Amanda tells us, “[Lauren] is so full of shit. She totally likes this girl but is being a defensive bitch about it.”

Before I release you as my hostage, remember these info-graphic from the last episode? So much as happened since then! First, we have learned that the mystery woman is Kiyomi.

And Amanda is not happy.

But oh! Since Kiyomi has now appeared on the chart, we can throw Somer on as her frenemy.

And that concludes Part 1 of the Real L Word Dinah Shore Chronicles. Tune in next week for Part 2 as I pull out my hair, because I am rapidly running out of white space on that graphic and don’t want to start over. I have already seen episode 6 and believe me, the chart is nowhere near complete. Consider this a warning.

This recap was made possible by Sam Adams, Jim Beam, and McKayla Maroney, who is not impressed.

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