“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 305 – “I wasn’t expecting this”


Also en route to Dinah are Lamanda, who are singing the word “Dinah” over and over again to the tune of Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al.”

“There are 15,000 lesbians this weekend,” says Lauren. “It is insane.”

Amanda is more blunt – and more accurate: “It is terrifying.”

Amanda tells us, “I am scared as fuck to go to Dinah. Whitney and Sara were like, by the end of it, we’re going to need, like, IVs and oxygen masks, and it’s like, ‘Where the fuck am I going?’”

And like lemmings to a cliff, Lamanda forge ahead on the highway.

Lauren asks Amanda about her Dinah predictions.

“Will Lauren finally wipe the dust off her vagina and get laid?” wonders Amanda aloud.

In the Hunter Valentine caravan, Kiyomi receives a text from Ali and promptly rolls her eyes. She tells the rest of the band that Ali started a fight because she thought Kiyomi would try to hook up with someone at Dinah Shore.

“Which you are!” says Laura, pointing out the obvious.

Moments later, in the Lamanda car, Lauren receives a text.

Mmm hmm.

Amanda is not impressed.

Neither is McKayla

And then finally! Lamanda and Whitney and Sara arrive at Dinah, where they immediately become enveloped in the rollings waves of a sea of almost naked lesbians. Whitney dutifully reports to the Real L Word Dating Game booth, but Romi and Kelsey are nowhere to be found.

Romi and Kelsey are being held up at hotel check in. The front desk wants Romi’s credit card for a refundable deposit. Romi is convinced that her “celesbian” status would allow her to glide past security to VIP.

“We’re hosting. They’re taking care of it,” says Romi, waving her hand dismissively at the concierge, who is not impressed.

Neither is McKayla

“It is really irritating that no one knows who we are,” says a grumpy Romi. “They’re just holding us up and not giving us any special treatment.”

Poor, poor Romi.

As Romi contemplates setting up an Occupy Palm Springs encampment outside of the hotel, time is ticking by. As the start time of the event approaches and Romi and Kelsey are still MIA, Whitney becomes incensed, calling Romi unprofessional.

The concierge offers to take Romi and Kelsey’s luggage so they can make the event, but Romi – and Rose from Season 1, who has joined the two – tell him that they need to change and look pretty on stage.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Sara are not having it.

“Not one of them is here!” exclaims Whitney.

“’Cuz they’re all together and inside each other’s assholes,” says Sara.

As Romi, Kelsey and Rose remain locked in a Mexican standoff with hotel staff, Lauren decides to stir the pot by signing up for the dating game.

Lauren tells us that she heard that Romi got back together with Kelsey, so she is going to sign up for a date with Kelsey “to watch Romi squirm.”

Finally, Rose decides to take one for the team and gives the concierge her credit card, and she, Romi and Kelsey arrive at the event a half an hour late.

Immediately, Romi realizes that some funny business is going on. Sara and Lauren appear to be sharing an inside joke, and they keep turning around, taking turns smirking at Romi.

“Why do they keep looking at me like I’m Carrie and about to have blood spilled on me?” asks Romi.

Oh because you are.

Romi notices that Lauren is especially smug and keeps traipsing back and forth in front of her grinning with her impossibly shiny teeth.

Then Romi notices that Lauren has paperwork with her, and she realizes that Lauren has signed up to win a date with Kelsey to piss her off.

Romi tells us, “This is a fucking joke. You guys think it is really funny if Lauren signs up to win a date with Kelsey, and what makes you guys happier than to see me fucking lose my mind?”

Fortunately, no battle axes will appear in the next scene, because Lauren loses the round.

After the game, Whitney and Sara tell us once again just how much they hate Romi and Kelsey, as if we haven’t heard it before. But we have, so let’s not belabor the point and move on.

That night, Kiyomi receives a phone call.

It is Lauren. She invites Kiyomi and the rest of the band to a party. At first Kiyomi is reluctant because they have been traveling since 8am Eastern time, but Laura tells everyone to rally, because she is already dressed to impress.

Romi, Kelsey and Rose are having dinner with friends, and Romi calls the rest of the cast a bunch of trifling bitches. She is especially hurt by Sara’s behavior, though. She and Sara were once close, but now “Not only does she not have my back, she has intentions of making sure I am hurt.”

At the party, Kiyomi and Lauren reunite, and Kiyomi is all smiles. She tells us, “I see Lauren again, and uhhhhh… she is very attractive.”

Amanda recognizes that Lauren has eyes for Kiyomi as well and starts to scowl. She tells us, “I don’t like [Kiyomi]. I think she’s a cocky, obnoxious asshole.”

Whitney and Sara notice Amanda pouting in a corner. Whitney thinks Amanda is jealous, and Sara thinks Amanda wants Lauren’s undivided attention. You know what I think? I think after Amanda’s disappearing act in NY, turnabout is fair play.

After a few doses of liquid courage, Kiyomi is ready to make a move. She walks up to Lauren and says, “Have I told you that I think you’re pretty?”

“No you haven’t,” says Lauren.

“Ok, I think you’re pretty,” says Kiyomi.

Both start giggling like schoolgirls and their conversation rapidly regresses to a mashup of play fighting and baby talk.

Kiyomi is already gone. Reduced to a burbling fool, she tells us, “I’m mesmerized by this person. I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, and I feel like a teenager around her.”

As Kiyomi visibly swoons, she says to Lauren, “I just want to stare in your eyes. If we did that for the next ten years, that would be enough for me.”

Lauren acts like she is not impressed.

But really, she is, so McKayla is nowhere to be found

The two run off to the women’s room and almost make out. Kiyomi leans in for a kiss, and Lauren turns her head. Lauren leans in for a kiss and is all “Psych!” This continues for a few minutes. Finally, Lauren and Kiyomi get to first base at the bar, but they are interrupted by a piercing siren-like noise.

The entire bar is pointing at them and cheering.

Because Dinah is known to bring out the maturity in everyone.

Everyone is hooting and hollering in glee except for Amanda, who looks like she is about to decorate the floor with whatever she had for dinner.

She tells us, wrinkling her nose, “Normally, Lauren is the one in power, and she’s definitely a top, and that’s like sort of what makes her more attractive.  But now, seeing her, as like this submissive girl to like this more masculine lesbian, it’s like a turnoff at every angle.”

The peanut gallery of Whitney and Sara weigh in on the latest development.

Whitney tells us that she knows Kiyomi and knows that she has a girl back in New York and would like to tell Lauren to “keep one eye open. Don’t be that dumb girl.”

Sara disagrees, telling us that she adheres to the “Whatever happens at Dinah stays at Dinah” school of thought.

And then we are treated to yet another Romi sex scene, and since these are as common on The Real L Word as flies on a hot August day in NYC, let’s just move along now. Nothing more to see here.

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