“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 305 – “I wasn’t expecting this”

Cory and Kaci meet Whitney and Sara at a restaurant, and Whitney and Sara tell Cory and Kaci that they are heading to Dinah Shore the following day. Cory and Kaci smile and say that they are going as well.

Yes, cabin fever has caused us to lose our minds and make bad decisions.

“Shut the fuck up!” says Whitney.

Kaci tells us that she and Cory are Dinah virgins and that they finally bowed to peer pressure and gave in this year.

“We haven’t left the house for so long and now we’re going to Dinah Shore?” says a nervous Cory.

“It’s quite an entrance back into society!” says Kaci.


Whitney tells Cory and Kaci that she is hosting a Real L Word dating show and that the cast members who are being auctioned off as daters are Romi and Kelsey.

“People are competing to get dates with them,” says Whitney, trying not laugh. “I don’t know why.”

At this point Sara breaks into peals of laughter.

Kaci asks Whitney why she and Romi are no longer talking.

“[Sara and I] have abandoned negative people in our lives. Romi is one of them. She has done shady things,” Whitney responds.

Sara cannot wait to jump in and tell Kaci and Cory about these “shady things.” She tells Kaci and Cory that at the last Dinah, Romi made out with Whitney in front of her and stared right at her. “If she could push me off a cliff and get away with it, she would,” chirps Sara, delighted to fan the flames of lesbian drama between herself and her former bff.

Cory tells us that hearing Whitney and Sara dis Romi is difficult, because Romi has been a good friend through Cory and Kaci’s tough times. Cory tells Whitney and Sara that she is Romi’s friend as well, and that she does not wish to get involved in their drama.

Whitney is not impressed.

Neither is McKayla

Back in New York, Kiyomi and Ali are arguing, yet again.

“I don’t trust you,” says Kiyomi.

Ali responds with high pitched whining.

Then Ali’s phone starts vibrating. “Your phone is going off,” says Kiyomi. I think it’s the girl that you slept with.”

Kiyomi is upset that Ali was not forthright about her dalliance. “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat!” yells Kiyomi. “Just tell me the truth!”

Does anyone else think that neither of them has a right to complain? There is no honor among thieves – or lesbians in non monogamous faux relationships, so let’s just admit this and move on. Next!

Kiyomi tells us that a year ago she had her heart broken and just isn’t ready to open herself up fully to someone else and that is why she suggested non-monogamy. While she may have prevented heartache for herself, it looks like she created twice as many headaches. Let me tell you something. Non-monogamy and women?

Exhausted from the fighting, Kiyomi slumps out of Ali’s apartment and makes her way to the airport to go to Dinah.

Elsewhere in Brooklyn, Somer and Donna still have not finished packing. The flight is in an hour.

“My position in Hunter Valentine at this point is still ambivalent, so missing a flight out to a show in Palm Springs is not the best thing in terms of figuring out where I fit in the band,” says Somer.

Back in LA, Whitney and Sara are packing to head to Palm Springs. Whitney tells us that this is the second year she and Sara are arriving at Dinah together. “Hopefully it will be our first year leaving together,” says Whitney.

Hunter Valentine lands at LAX, but someone is missing.

Somer and Donna missed the flight after all and are en route on another flight. The band contemplates whether to wait, and Laura tells Kiyomi and Vero that they should leave without them. Kiyomi agrees, and while Vero has reservations, majority rules, so the three take a car to Palm Springs sans Somer and Donna.

Let’s take a quick detour and play another game of “Is this real or not?” Since the world is small, and lesbians tend to end up in the same enclosed spaces, no matter how illogical the venues and improbable the chances, the girl I am dating sat right next to Kiyomi and Laura on the flight leg to LAX on their trip to Palm Springs and her trip to Hawaii. On one of our very first dates she told me that on that flight “this band full of lesbians called Hunter Valentine was upset about the keyboardist missing the flight and not taking things seriously.” She said Kiyomi complained about Somer for the duration for the flight and that she and Laura were wearing identical wicker hats. So, yep, there was beef even when the cameras were off. Oh, but otherwise, they were really nice.

What have we learned from this little tangent? (1) The band drama is real and (2) if you make the cast of The Real L Word, Showtime ain’t payin’ for business class or first – you’re riding coach – sowwie!

On the car ride to Palm Springs, Kiyomi and Laura start complaining about Somer again, but Vero is getting sick of it. The flight to LAX was six hours, and the drive to Palm Springs is three. Nine hours of Somer-related kvetching is a bit much, so Vero tells everyone to cut it out.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, but it’s becoming blatantly apparent that she cannot fulfill her role in the band,” says Kiyomi. Again, Vero is overruled. I hope she had at least three hours of battery life left in her iPod.

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