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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 305 – “I wasn’t expecting this”

Previously on The Real L Word, the members of Hunter Valentine clambered out of their van, exhausted and bedraggled from playing shows — and having epic shouting matches in between shows. As they threw open the doors, they were heartily welcomed by the aroma of dead fish, signaling that they were, indeed, back home in the charmingly whiffy borough of Brooklyn. But even more toxic than the overripe fragrance that permeates certain enclaves around the L train was the tension between Kiyomi and Somer, who never resolved their differences.

Romi ended her relationship with the ever chuckling Jay and ran back into the arms of her ready and willing ex-girlfriend Kelsey. During the dinner at which the two reignited their romance, Romi told Kelsey that even if they broke up, Kelsey would not be allowed to sleep with anyone else. Happy to be out of her parents’ house and excited to resume her role as Romi’s lap dog, Kelsey obliged with the two words that would cement their reunion: “I’m horny.” Love is a beautiful thing, ain’t it.

But during Kelsey and Romi’s time apart, Kelsey bided her time by poking her lady pecker into as many ladies of WeHo as she could, and Lauren was one of them. According to common West Hollywood knowledge, which is almost as accurate as anything you read on the internet, this did not sit well with Romi, and consequently, Romi and Lauren have beef.

Corci the Unicorn finally climbed out of the bed they shared with their sleepy orange cat for the weeks they mourned the loss of Charlie and left the house for the first time, bringing flowers to the nurses who took care of them at the hospital.

And finally, after a bout of homesickness, Amanda paid a visit to Brooklyn with Lauren in tow, but left Lauren waiting at Metropolitan Bar for four hours, and sauntered in less than contrite. Lauren began to suspect that Amanda may have reconnected with her ex-girlfriend.

And now we jump into a two episode arc that will make you hold your loved ones tight and your bottle of Purell even tighter.

The episode opens with Amanda bounding into Lauren’s dining room with exciting news – and a look that can only be described as the love child of Annie Lennox and an alien from an aquatic planet. Amanda tells Lauren that she and her ex decided to get back together and not see other people, and this is Lauren’s reaction. Lauren digs further, asking Amanda whether she and her “ex” ever actually broke up. Then Amanda admits that she and her girlfriend were still together when she left New York.

“That’s not what you told me,” says Lauren.

Amanda tells us that she made it a point to hang out with her “ex” while she was visiting New York, which now explains her many disappearing acts around Lauren last episode. Amanda says that she may move back to New York after all.

Lauren sighs and tells Amanda that if she decides to move back to New York she needs to give her advance notice so she can find a roommate.

“Woof,” responds Amanda. “That’s just so extreme.”

Err, meow? Actually, thirty days notice is pretty standard.

Lauren tells Amanda that it is normal to want to be near the person you love. “Sometimes, I think you try to fool yourself…” says Lauren, and then adds a dig. “…as much as sometimes you try to fool me.”

Amanda tells us that she thinks Lauren is jealous. While I don’t disagree, I also think that as a general rule, giving a roommate a heads up that you are moving out is just good manners, so she can fill your room with another warm body with a steady job or a trust fund, because the rent is too damn high.

Lauren tells Amanda that she has been dishonest to her, especially in New York, where she repeatedly lied about her whereabouts, so she does not know whether to believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

Woof, indeed.

Next we cut to Romi and Kelsey, who are packing for Dinah Shore a/k/a lesbian spring break. Every April, 15,000 lesbians from all over the world drink and screw their way through Palm Springs in the most delightfully unhygienic event in the country. The only way to handle the sheer level of noise, mayhem, and estrogen is to drink to a near blackout state, but since no one has any clothes on, the probability of regretful behavior is all but inevitable.

Says Romi, “I think it’s just a place where people go to get wasted and fuck people. Like, people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah to fuck other people – and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriends.”

Kelsey dutifully nods in agreement. Romi tells us that Dinah is going to be stressful this year because she has been asked to host events “as a celesbian.” She tells us, speaking slowly as if she were speaking to a room full of first graders, “A celesbian is a lesbian who is a celebrity, and they are very rare. There’s not a whole lot of us, so I have work to do.”

Oh, Romi. Then Romi warns Kelsey, “We’re sticking together all weekend. If you leave me out there, alone, for the wolves to get me, I will fucking murder you.” Romi then attempts to shoot laser beams at Kelsey with her eyes. Perplexingly, Kelsey doesn’t think any of this is out of the ordinary, so instead of sprinting out of the front door to freedom like a reasonable person who has been confronted with lunacy, she continues to pack.

Romi tells us that she is afraid of encountering drama with the fearsome foursome of Whitney, Sara, Lauren and Amanda, who will most likely be drunk.

Kelsey tells us, “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi, and I want to make her happy, and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, I’m definitely not going to be around certain people.”

Kelsey pauses to think for a second. “Romi is usually right about… certain people, so…” And then her voice trails off as she attempts to catch her thoughts to finish her sentence but, alas, they seem to have outrun her brain.

Ah, dear, sweet, simple Kelsey. Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?

Romi contemplates whether to pack an axe for protection.

“Should we bring boxing gloves? Oh, we should pack this!” “Just in case those lesbians get crazy,” Romi continues. “I’ll cut a bitch this weekend if they even fuck with me. And if they fuck with you.”

Cory and Kaci meet Whitney and Sara at a restaurant, and Whitney and Sara tell Cory and Kaci that they are heading to Dinah Shore the following day. Cory and Kaci smile and say that they are going as well. “Shut the fuck up!” says Whitney.

Kaci tells us that she and Cory are Dinah virgins and that they finally bowed to peer pressure and gave in this year.

“We haven’t left the house for so long and now we’re going to Dinah Shore?” says a nervous Cory.

“It’s quite an entrance back into society!” says Kaci.

Sigh. Whitney tells Cory and Kaci that she is hosting a Real L Word dating show and that the cast members who are being auctioned off as daters are Romi and Kelsey.

“People are competing to get dates with them,” says Whitney, trying not laugh. “I don’t know why.” At this point Sara breaks into peals of laughter. Kaci asks Whitney why she and Romi are no longer talking.

“[Sara and I] have abandoned negative people in our lives. Romi is one of them. She has done shady things,” Whitney responds.

Sara cannot wait to jump in and tell Kaci and Cory about these “shady things.” She tells Kaci and Cory that at the last Dinah, Romi made out with Whitney in front of her and stared right at her. “If she could push me off a cliff and get away with it, she would,” chirps Sara, delighted to fan the flames of lesbian drama between herself and her former bff.

Cory tells us that hearing Whitney and Sara dis Romi is difficult, because Romi has been a good friend through Cory and Kaci’s tough times. Cory tells Whitney and Sara that she is Romi’s friend as well, and that she does not wish to get involved in their drama.

Whitney is not impressed. Back in New York, Kiyomi and Ali are arguing, yet again.

“I don’t trust you,” says Kiyomi.

Ali responds with high pitched whining.

Then Ali’s phone starts vibrating. “Your phone is going off,” says Kiyomi. I think it’s the girl that you slept with.”

Kiyomi is upset that Ali was not forthright about her dalliance. “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat!” yells Kiyomi. “Just tell me the truth!” Does anyone else think that neither of them has a right to complain? There is no honor among thieves – or lesbians in non monogamous faux relationships, so let’s just admit this and move on. Next!

Kiyomi tells us that a year ago she had her heart broken and just isn’t ready to open herself up fully to someone else and that is why she suggested non-monogamy. While she may have prevented heartache for herself, it looks like she created twice as many headaches. Let me tell you something. Non-monogamy and women?

Exhausted from the fighting, Kiyomi slumps out of Ali’s apartment and makes her way to the airport to go to Dinah.

Elsewhere in Brooklyn, Somer and Donna still have not finished packing. The flight is in an hour. “My position in Hunter Valentine at this point is still ambivalent, so missing a flight out to a show in Palm Springs is not the best thing in terms of figuring out where I fit in the band,” says Somer.

Back in LA, Whitney and Sara are packing to head to Palm Springs. Whitney tells us that this is the second year she and Sara are arriving at Dinah together. “Hopefully it will be our first year leaving together,” says Whitney.

Hunter Valentine lands at LAX, but someone is missing. Somer and Donna missed the flight after all and are en route on another flight. The band contemplates whether to wait, and Laura tells Kiyomi and Vero that they should leave without them. Kiyomi agrees, and while Vero has reservations, majority rules, so the three take a car to Palm Springs sans Somer and Donna.

Let’s take a quick detour and play another game of “Is this real or not?” Since the world is small, and lesbians tend to end up in the same enclosed spaces, no matter how illogical the venues and improbable the chances, the girl I am dating sat right next to Kiyomi and Laura on the flight leg to LAX on their trip to Palm Springs and her trip to Hawaii. On one of our very first dates she told me that on that flight “this band full of lesbians called Hunter Valentine was upset about the keyboardist missing the flight and not taking things seriously.” She said Kiyomi complained about Somer for the duration for the flight and that she and Laura were wearing identical wicker hats. So, yep, there was beef even when the cameras were off. Oh, but otherwise, they were really nice.

What have we learned from this little tangent? (1) The band drama is real and (2) if you make the cast of The Real L Word, Showtime ain’t payin’ for business class or first — you’re riding coach — sowwie!

On the car ride to Palm Springs, Kiyomi and Laura start complaining about Somer again, but Vero is getting sick of it. The flight to LAX was six hours, and the drive to Palm Springs is three. Nine hours of Somer-related kvetching is a bit much, so Vero tells everyone to cut it out.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, but it’s becoming blatantly apparent that she cannot fulfill her role in the band,” says Kiyomi. Again, Vero is overruled. I hope she had at least three hours of battery life left in her iPod.

Also en route to Dinah are Lamanda, who are singing the word “Dinah” over and over again to the tune of Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al.”

“There are 15,000 lesbians this weekend,” says Lauren. “It is insane.”

Amanda is more blunt — and more accurate: “It is terrifying.”

Amanda tells us, “I am scared as fuck to go to Dinah. Whitney and Sara were like, by the end of it, we’re going to need, like, IVs and oxygen masks, and it’s like, ‘Where the fuck am I going?'”

And like lemmings to a cliff, Lamanda forge ahead on the highway.

Lauren asks Amanda about her Dinah predictions.

“Will Lauren finally wipe the dust off her vagina and get laid?” wonders Amanda aloud.

In the Hunter Valentine caravan, Kiyomi receives a text from Ali and promptly rolls her eyes. She tells the rest of the band that Ali started a fight because she thought Kiyomi would try to hook up with someone at Dinah Shore.

“Which you are!” says Laura, pointing out the obvious.

Moments later, in the Lamanda car, Lauren receives a text. Mmm hmm.

Amanda is not impressed. And then finally! Lamanda and Whitney and Sara arrive at Dinah, where they immediately become enveloped in the rollings waves of a sea of almost naked lesbians. Whitney dutifully reports to the Real L Word Dating Game booth, but Romi and Kelsey are nowhere to be found.

Romi and Kelsey are being held up at hotel check in. The front desk wants Romi’s credit card for a refundable deposit. Romi is convinced that her “celesbian” status would allow her to glide past security to VIP.

“We’re hosting. They’re taking care of it,” says Romi, waving her hand dismissively at the concierge, who is not impressed. “It is really irritating that no one knows who we are,” says a grumpy Romi. “They’re just holding us up and not giving us any special treatment.”

Poor, poor Romi. As Romi contemplates setting up an Occupy Palm Springs encampment outside of the hotel, time is ticking by. As the start time of the event approaches and Romi and Kelsey are still MIA, Whitney becomes incensed, calling Romi unprofessional.

The concierge offers to take Romi and Kelsey’s luggage so they can make the event, but Romi — and Rose from Season 1, who has joined the two – tell him that they need to change and look pretty on stage.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Sara are not having it.

“Not one of them is here!” exclaims Whitney.

“‘Cuz they’re all together and inside each other’s assholes,” says Sara.

As Romi, Kelsey and Rose remain locked in a Mexican standoff with hotel staff, Lauren decides to stir the pot by signing up for the dating game. Lauren tells us that she heard that Romi got back together with Kelsey, so she is going to sign up for a date with Kelsey “to watch Romi squirm.”

Finally, Rose decides to take one for the team and gives the concierge her credit card, and she, Romi and Kelsey arrive at the event a half an hour late.

Immediately, Romi realizes that some funny business is going on. Sara and Lauren appear to be sharing an inside joke, and they keep turning around, taking turns smirking at Romi.

“Why do they keep looking at me like I’m Carrie and about to have blood spilled on me?” asks Romi.

Oh because you are.

Romi notices that Lauren is especially smug and keeps traipsing back and forth in front of her grinning with her impossibly shiny teeth.

Then Romi notices that Lauren has paperwork with her, and she realizes that Lauren has signed up to win a date with Kelsey to piss her off.

Romi tells us, “This is a fucking joke. You guys think it is really funny if Lauren signs up to win a date with Kelsey, and what makes you guys happier than to see me fucking lose my mind?”

Fortunately, no battle axes will appear in the next scene, because Lauren loses the round.

After the game, Whitney and Sara tell us once again just how much they hate Romi and Kelsey, as if we haven’t heard it before. But we have, so let’s not belabor the point and move on.

That night, Kiyomi receives a phone call. It is Lauren. She invites Kiyomi and the rest of the band to a party. At first Kiyomi is reluctant because they have been traveling since 8am Eastern time, but Laura tells everyone to rally, because she is already dressed to impress. Romi, Kelsey and Rose are having dinner with friends, and Romi calls the rest of the cast a bunch of trifling bitches. She is especially hurt by Sara’s behavior, though. She and Sara were once close, but now “Not only does she not have my back, she has intentions of making sure I am hurt.”

At the party, Kiyomi and Lauren reunite, and Kiyomi is all smiles. She tells us, “I see Lauren again, and uhhhhh… she is very attractive.” Amanda recognizes that Lauren has eyes for Kiyomi as well and starts to scowl. She tells us, “I don’t like [Kiyomi]. I think she’s a cocky, obnoxious asshole.”

Whitney and Sara notice Amanda pouting in a corner. Whitney thinks Amanda is jealous, and Sara thinks Amanda wants Lauren’s undivided attention. You know what I think? I think after Amanda’s disappearing act in NY, turnabout is fair play.

After a few doses of liquid courage, Kiyomi is ready to make a move. She walks up to Lauren and says, “Have I told you that I think you’re pretty?” “No you haven’t,” says Lauren.

“Ok, I think you’re pretty,” says Kiyomi.

Both start giggling like schoolgirls and their conversation rapidly regresses to a mashup of play fighting and baby talk.

Kiyomi is already gone. Reduced to a burbling fool, she tells us, “I’m mesmerized by this person. I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, and I feel like a teenager around her.”

As Kiyomi visibly swoons, she says to Lauren, “I just want to stare in your eyes. If we did that for the next ten years, that would be enough for me.”

Lauren acts like she is not impressed. But really, she is, so McKayla is nowhere to be found

The two run off to the women’s room and almost make out. Kiyomi leans in for a kiss, and Lauren turns her head. Lauren leans in for a kiss and is all “Psych!” This continues for a few minutes. Finally, Lauren and Kiyomi get to first base at the bar, but they are interrupted by a piercing siren-like noise.

The entire bar is pointing at them and cheering. Because Dinah is known to bring out the maturity in everyone.

Everyone is hooting and hollering in glee except for Amanda, who looks like she is about to decorate the floor with whatever she had for dinner. She tells us, wrinkling her nose, “Normally, Lauren is the one in power, and she’s definitely a top, and that’s like sort of what makes her more attractive. But now, seeing her, as like this submissive girl to like this more masculine lesbian, it’s like a turnoff at every angle.”

The peanut gallery of Whitney and Sara weigh in on the latest development.

Whitney tells us that she knows Kiyomi and knows that she has a girl back in New York and would like to tell Lauren to “keep one eye open. Don’t be that dumb girl.”

Sara disagrees, telling us that she adheres to the “Whatever happens at Dinah stays at Dinah” school of thought.

And then we are treated to yet another Romi sex scene, and since these are as common on The Real L Word as flies on a hot August day in NYC, let’s just move along now. Nothing more to see here.

Finally, Cory and Kaci arrive in Palm Springs some time after midnight. About their late arrival, Kaci explains, “We have jobs, so we work from the morning to the night.” Does this mean that the rest of the cast is unemployed or underemployed or need not be employed? I’ll let you come to your own conclusion. The two decide to call it a night and pass out on the bed. I ask that same question every time I load up a new episode of this show and press “play.”

Meanwhile, Kiyomi and Lauren, sans bikini tops, escape to a swimming pool for a session of night swimming. Kiyomi feeds Lauren a slew of cheesy lines, such as, “It’s funny ‘cuz we just met each other but it seems like a while.”

And somehow, miraculously, it is working. Kiyomi tells us, “I cannot deny my chemistry with Lauren.” Oh, it’s that pesky word “chemistry” again, which is tossed around on this show to topless ladies as often as beads on Mardi Gras to, well, topless ladies.

The next morning Amanda wakes up with a pounding headache in the same bed as Whitney’s equally dreadlocked friend Ruby and has a “Dude, where’s my car?” moment, except the car is Lauren.

“She’s inside Hunter Valentine,” says Ruby.

“Ewwwwwwww!” says Amanda.

A few minutes later, Lauren does the walk of shame back to Amanda’s hotel room, grinning from ear to ear. Since she is so happy, I guess we should call it the “stride of pride.”

Amanda asks Lauren if she slept with Kiyomi. Lauren says she did, and Amanda is repulsed.

She tells us, “I think it’s gross. I don’t find Kiyomi attractive, so when I think of her fucking my best friend, it’s gross.”

I guess this means Amanda is never going to proposition them for a threesome.

Amanda then tells Lauren that Kiyomi has a girlfriend, and at first Lauren seems concerned but then shrugs it off, telling her that she is a good mood and not to be a Debbie downer.

After Lauren leaves the room Amanda tells us, “[Lauren] is so full of shit. She totally likes this girl but is being a defensive bitch about it.”

Before I release you as my hostage, remember these info-graphic from the last episode? So much as happened since then! First, we have learned that the mystery woman is Kiyomi. And Amanda is not happy. But oh! Since Kiyomi has now appeared on the chart, we can throw Somer on as her frenemy. And that concludes Part 1 of the Real L Word Dinah Shore Chronicles. Tune in next week for Part 2 as I pull out my hair, because I am rapidly running out of white space on that graphic and don’t want to start over. I have already seen episode 6 and believe me, the chart is nowhere near complete. Consider this a warning.

This recap was made possible by Sam Adams, Jim Beam, and McKayla Maroney, who is not impressed.

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