“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 304 – “Scissor Sisters”


Then, back in LA, Sara tries to get her mother acclimated to the idea that she is getting married by taking her shopping for wedding dresses.

“Beautiful dress, but you are having a wedding without a man, no?” says her mom, looking less than enthused.

Corci the Unicorn decides that it is finally time to re-enter civilization, and the first thing the magical creature does is bring flowers to the doctors and nurses who took care of Cory at the hospital.

Again, the only reason that Corci is on this series is to show us all how to behave and how we have all fallen short of that ideal. We bow down to you. We are not worthy.

Back in New York, Amanda, Lauren and Amanda’s brother are having a meal at Simple Café in Williamsburg. Amanda’s brother innocently asks Amanda, “When are you officially coming home?”

Lauren gives Amanda a look of disbelief. “Did you tell him you were coming home?” she asks.

Lauren tells us that while the question surprised her at first, she concluded that she must have been lied to again.

Back in San Jose, Sara has an epiphany and realizes that there is something that her mother cannot resist: wedding planning. How convenient.

“Luckily for me, my mother is the Portuguese Martha Stewart. She cannot help herself,” says Sara.

As if on cue, Sara’s mother flits over to the table and starts diagramming the wedding planning process in a notebook. And just like that, Sara’s mother comes around. This is a lesson on how to bring an unwilling party to your side: find out her addiction and use it to your advantage. I guarantee that if you tell Lindsay Lohan that you have an oil tanker filled with vodka that is all hers once all of her scenes are wrapped up she will suddenly show up on time for her shoots.

Then Romi and Kelsey meet up for dinner and it’s all “I love you,” “I miss you,” and all sorts of unintelligible cooing.

Kelsey tells us that she loves Romi and that she and Romi “have a chemistry that is undeniable.” The word “chemistry” was introduced to us in Season 1 by a certain Whitney Mixter, who used it to describe how she felt about half the women in California. This does not bode well for Kelsey and Romi.

They agree to get back together, but after the niceties are out of the way Romi continues, “Let’s just fight it out and not break up. And the next time I break up with you, this is what I want you to do: say ‘No!’ And when we break up, and we will again, don’t sleep with all those girls! Because then they come at me! Like ‘Oh, I slept with your girl!’ And I want to punch them! You better keep it in your damn pants!”

“I’m horny,” responds Kelsey.

Say what? Romi definitely has a screw loose, but since Kelsey has not only continued to sit at the table after hearing Romi’s tirade but also concludes that she wants to bone her right then and there, Kelsey is definitely one card short of a full deck. They belong together.

Back in New York, Lauren and Amanda are bickering yet again. Lauren wants Amanda to hang out, but Amanda would rather take a nap. Amanda looks at a group of girls sitting at another table and tries to change the subject.

“I know that girl,” says Amanda.”She’s in a really bad band.”

Oh look. It’s Kiyomi and the rest of Hunter Valentine, minus Somer of course. Of all the gin joints in Brooklyn. What were the chances?

“They’re all in a band?” asks Lauren. “I think they’re kind of cute.”

Amanda hollers over at Kiyomi and the Funky Bunch and beckons them over. After all introductions are made, the everyone makes small talk. The first topic of conversation is Amanda and Lauren’s Botox session. Am I watching The Real L Word or the Real Housewives of Brooklyn? And who the hell gets Botox in their 20s? Does Botox not only make you unable to express emotions but it also secretly gets you high? Am I missing out?

Then the conversation naturally segues into a topic dear to our Sapphic hearts: scissoring. Lauren loves scissoring, but Amanda isn’t a fan. See, the incompatibilities are getting even more apparent. You can only be friends with benefits if you both agree that the benefits are actually “benefits.” Otherwise it’s just friends with awkward humping.

Both Kiyomi and Laura are immediately attracted to Lauren.

“She’s pretty hot,” says Kiyomi.

“She’s absolutely gorgeous,” says Laura. Laura tells us that her plan is to drink a lot and then make a move.

At this point Amanda leaves to take her nap, and Lauren stays behind with the band.

Back in Los Angeles, Kelsey rolls up to Romi’s pad with all her belongings and starts moving in. Romi asks whether Kelsey would like some help, hoping that Kelsey would say, “Why no, honey. I would like nothing more than to carry a bookshelf all by myself,” but to her dismay, Kelsey actually wants Romi to pitch in. At this point, Romi starts to whine in the exact pitch that causes me to develop a stress headache, so I’m just going to have to fast forward. Sorry. I’m sure nothing important happens in the next two minutes.

And then we’re back in Brooklyn. Vero tells us that both Kiyomi and Laura are obviously attracted to Lauren and that she finds this entertaining.

Lauren leaves to go to the bathroom, and Kiyomi, Laura and Vero discuss who is going to hook up with Lauren. While Laura is still going to make a go at it, the three of them concede that if Kiyomi makes a move, she is the one that is more likely to close the deal.

“I don’t think I couldn’t get her,” says Laura. “But I have to really work it.”

Kiyomi excuses herself from the table and tells us that while she finds Lauren attractive, she is supposed to meet up with Ali, Laura is obviously attracted to Lauren, so the best course of action is for her to retreat to safer ground. Vero follows Kiyomi outside and tries to stir the pot, chirping that it is obvious that both Kiyomi and Laura are attracted to Lauren.

Lauren comes back to the table, and a drunken Laura tells her that both she and Kiyomi are attracted to her, and they’re both trying to figure out what to do about it. Smooth, Laura, smooth. Why don’t you use this line instead? “Hey, I have a gig this weekend. You can cheer for me then if you want, but I want to see you sooner, because I might need you to hold my hair in a few minutes when I pray to the porcelain god.”

Kiyomi is still outside and tells Ali that she will meet up with her in a few, but then she tells us, “I know I’m supposed to meet Ali, but for some reason I just can’t. I just don’t want to leave this girl [Lauren].”

Someone should give Kiyomi a dictionary and ask her to look up the difference between “can’t” and “won’t.”

And so Kiyomi returns to the table with tequila shots and starts chatting with Lauren. Lauren and Kiyomi stroll outside together, and Laura follows them, realizing that in the race to get Lauren, Kiyomi is pulling ahead. If you are a random schmuck on the street and you found yourself tossed in a pool with Michael Phelps, the only way to win is to do something swift, drastic and severe. Like spraying him with Mace.

And so our dear clearly unsober Laura has decided to take matters into her own hands. She starts disrobing on the street and gives Lauren a preview of her fine Canadian bacon. Vero attempts to salvage whatever remaining dignity Laura has left by running outside and throwing a jacket – and herself – over her, but it is too little too late.

On that note, I’m going to have to cut this recap off abruptly, because I am just honestly without words.

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